Beyond Surviving- Living Life Again

[Loving_Life]

Well, my D took place today, final D granted. Stbx finally had no changes to the paperwork and just hours before the hearing papers were signed. Court went smoothly, nothing but 'yes I agree' from both me and stbx and it was over in less than 30 min. That is thankful I suppose.

I'm sure no one has a great D day. Feeling a little stunned, although I must focus on the fact that nothing has really changed all the sudden in my day to day life. I've been gradually healing for several months and I will continue to. But, I've felt the emotion rollercoaster off and on all day anyway. Now it's final, done, over- piece of the past. The whys, the sadness, the 'I'm never going through this again' feelings are too overwhelming if I let them.... I can't kid myself and pretend I'm ok.

Then in moments for a second I feel a cloud lifted- no more strings I'm offically off on my new path and it's going to be ok.

Thanks to anyone who has thoughts for me today....

[LL44]

Never a good day for anyone. I believe its even a loss for those who had wanted the divorce to begin with.

I've been gradually healing for several months and I will continue to. But, I've felt the emotion rollercoaster off and on all day anyway

I felt this too. Its like the 'finality' of it might send you into a bit of a panic if you thought too hard about it. But you are right, you have healed a lot already and will continue to. Don't be surprised if you roller coaster up and down a bit for a month (or even longer). The focus of the day-to-day divorce stuff (paperwork, phone calls, etc) is gone, so you might have more time on your hands to think. Its ok!

I can't kid myself and pretend I'm ok.

You aren't ok, and guess what? That's ok. Don't pretend anything. And don't worry, the sadness is there, but it won't last long. You sound very positive and that will help you a lot!

Take care!

PS: Didn't the courtroom/divorce proceedings just seem so surreal? Like a movie, or a foggy dream? Very odd, huh?

[Loving_Life]

Thanks LWB for your post, yes it did seem surreal. I was on the phone long distance for the proceeding, (which was very nice and easy for me thanks to my L who was there representing me) so it seemed even more surreal. For some reason, the 'is this marriage irretreviably broken' part replays in my head off and on. I am getting better day by day forgetting it though. X's "yes" sounded so bitter, gruff, and void of feeling. I guess that's what it's supposed to be like during a D. I don't think I'll ever really understand x's mental state or mental process to rationalize this D, other than to know that he has troubles. The troubled person, yes, I am better without....

My life is moving on- got a job offer and will hopefully get my own place soon. That will be so amazing for me after several months living w. relatives. I think I will finally be SO much better very soon when I have my own place and $$ again.

[Trixi]

My life is moving on- got a job offer and will hopefully get my own place soon. That will be so amazing for me after several months living w. relatives. I think I will finally be SO much better very soon when I have my own place and $$ again.

hey! Congratulations! That's awesome! (Interesting timing...Almost like when you released the marriage (fully) you could 'grasp' your new life.

I'm sorry I missed you on your D day. I hope that each day is getting easier. D day is one day that I really don't want to experience; but, I can see where it would be a relief. No more waiting for the shoe to fall.

When do you start you're new job?

[Loving_Life]

OMG- So I'm trying to move on and control myself from relapsing. X called tonight and I talked for like an hour- somehow I invited him to come stay w/me- I live 2,ooo miles away, but in a bigger city than him, which has many opps for his career. If he ever came out here for a show, I told him he could stay with me- I guess that feels desperate- Ok- do I ever need to meet someone new, huh!! . I think he liked talking to me again for a while, but such emotional baggage.. talking to him again. Help. I even talked to his friend too, and invited him to visit. What is my problem. Why can I not let go when someone (X) has not treated me well and it's still about me offering things to him.

So, my new job is great- I'm really happy with that. I'm getting a nice new place of my own soon and adopting a dog too! (my dream- since I lost my last dogs to my X) I better focus on these happy new things.

[Trixi]

Hey L_L, how's things?

[Loving_Life]

Trixi, thanks for the post- hope you're good, thanks for checking in on me! Things are moving forward fast for me. Moved into a new townhouse that I love, adopted a sweet dog and have been pretty active, getting out and doing new things. I'm having a lot of fun going to new events, exploring my new city, etc. My new job is decent and pretty low stress (major blessing, I know!) My life is better than it was, I absolutely can't deny it. Maybe I can actually be thankful in ways that I got out of the situation w. X. Yes, the fact that my M turned out like it did is unfortunate, but how X treated me and how we lived was really poor and I am doing way better on my own in a new place. X has called a few times, making excuses about not refinancing the house yet, complaining and trying to get me to help him out. Nope, he has to take care of himself and be responsible for once instead of trying to make things my problem. Especially since we are D and I'm 2,000 miles away- hello! But somehow he thinks I should be making long distance phone calls to help him straighten out some problem with the escrow account on the house (he was granted the house in our D and he's supposed to be refinancing). I was firm and told him no, it's his responsibility now. Part of me wonders if he just wanted to hear my voice. The reasons he calls are kind of lame. It's like he just wants to whine and then ask me a few questions about my life, and then see if I'll do things for him. Sorry, but I'm done with that now. I'm not his fix-it all punching bag lady anymore. The one who he thinks he doesn't need. Yes, I'm getting past this and coming out brighter. He was so negative, rude, irresponsible and to top it off didn't believe in a clean environment or personal hygiene. When I think back on the conditions I lived in with him, it was pretty undesirable. Smoke, dirt, rodent problems, bad neighborhood we were in. The entire situation had problems. It is such a refreshing, beautiful feeling to live in a nice, clean, pretty home with a peaceful ambiance surrounding me. I live in a nice neighborhood again(something that I have not had in years) I always thought I would be lonely living alone, but I'm pretty happy here. Especially since I got my new pup. He's such a sweet buddy. I'm setting up my art studio this weekend and will be starting up fun arts/crafts projects again soon. Finally I feel the light at the end of the tunnel starting to shine on me