I haven't been on here since my D was final which was 12/08. A lot has happened since then and over time XH became a stranger to me. I could hardly believe we conceived a child together. This was my way of coping...detaching so much to the point that we only said hi to each other when he came over to watch D12. I thought I was doing ok...until I found out that he is "in a relationship" with OW.
A little background... I found out about OW about 3 years ago. Ultimately, we separated and for 2 years, while I was DBing, he was growing further from me, never any interest in making it work...so I decided to let him go and we agreed to file. One of our agreements was that if we became serious about someone, we would wait 12 months before introducing the OP to our D12. Within only 2 months of that agreement, XH was wondering if I would be flexible because he might want to introduce OW sooner. 1 month after that XH was reaching out to me and letting me know how much he appreciated me and saying how depressed he was however I set some boundaries and let him know he could no longer lean on me for emotional support...I told him I was not that person in his life any longer. I found out a couple of months later that OW was married to another man and my XH did not know. There were a lot of people involved that got hurt because of my XH and OW. I felt bad for him, but also relieved that him and OW were not together.
Now, another couple of months have gone by and I find out via Facebook that they are "in a relationship"?!?!? I have to admit, my stomach turned inside out!
And the questions return...how could 2 people hurt so many other people and not care?, how could I let OW into my D12 life...a woman who lied to so many people about so many things?, how do I trust XH judgement if he wants to be with this kind of woman? how could he want someone who has lied to him so blatantly? and he chose her over me? Would things be different if only I had let him talk to me when he was reaching out?
It makes me feel powerless again. How do I regain my positive thinking, my internal power, my trust?!?!
It makes me feel powerless again. How do I regain my positive thinking, my internal power, my trust?!?!
You make You powerless. You have secretly sat and waited for him to return to you rather than do what is necessary to heal. You can't run from the truth no matter how you want to rationalize it. What I want to know is why you allow him to have a hold over you? What is in it for you by doing that? What result are you expecting to just happen? Get yourself unstuck. Only you can change the state you are in.
I know the ink is barely dry on the divorce papers but you need to work on untangling your emotions from his. Quit carrying the torch.
What I want to know is why you allow him to have a hold over you?
This is the question that goes through my mind constantly. When I think logically, he is not the man I fell in love with, he is not a person I would be interested in today because he is not good for me. Logic has momentarily left the building and I feel overwhelmed with feelings of insecurities, jealousy, anger and sadness. I began feeling like he is the only one out there for me or I couldn't do any better than him. The OW is 24 and I'm 35, how can I compete? My confidence fell back down to zero from one incident and I realize that I am still on that emotional roller coaster that I thought I got off of a while ago...instead, maybe I just got used to the ride.
how do I trust XH judgement if he wants to be with this kind of woman? how could he want someone who has lied to him so blatantly? and he chose her over me? Would things be different if only I had let him talk to me when he was reaching out? .
1. His judgment and taste in women is out of your reach and none of your business anymore, I dont' mean to sound harsh, but you can't --as you can plaininly see- choose who he can be with, the more you think you have a saying in his life the harder will be for you to move on. Sadly, he has all the freedom to introduce whomever he likes to your d12, agreement or not. The court couldnt' do much about that unless there is abuse or neglect.
2. She can be a paid whore (stbx's then-ow WAS a paid whore) and he still would think she is his perfect partner (ow had stbx convinced it was ok, that other women prob did that when short for cash).
3. She is not better or worse than you, she was not chosen because she was the antithesis of you, she was chosen for her ability to whore herself, it has nothing to do with quality, he didnt' choose her because she is a wonderful person (wonderful people dont' have a "relationship" touted online and be married!)
4. And to the last statement: NO NO and NO!!! how I wished I would've said what you told him at the time! I was stbx's crying shoulder and support last year when he was almost suicidal and so depressed, I even helped him as he tried to pried himself off then-ow, I almost felt close to him and thinking that perhaps... and then BLAM! he shows up at my house to pick up the kids with his week-old live-in gf. My point is, that it is NOT your job to shape him up, it was not up to you that he get himself together, he had to decide for himself to get help, nothing else would've work other than the firm resolve to get his act together... instead he choose to keep on with looney-bin gf and live in fantasy world.
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It makes me feel powerless again. How do I regain my positive thinking, my internal power, my trust?!?!
By realizing that your emotional wellbeing doesn't depend on him, that you are powerless to change his behavior and stupid desicions. By removing yourself from him as far as it's humanly possible, only talking about d12's visitation. I know, it churns the stomach to think of those skanks near our beloved kids, but there is nothing left to do but love love love our kids since we are the sane parent at the moment. Counseling will also help your d12, my s11 sees a C from time to time and it has helped him cope since arse-sbtx thinks he's done nothing wrong and has no idea why s11 is feeling bad.
here are a few paragraphs from "healed without scars"
"the greatest insult was not the fact that he had left her. It was that she was still holding on to him long after he was gone"
"the purpose of a trial is to reveal what is genuine in this world--to prove what is true and to expose what is false..
"the enemy wants to bind us permanmetly through our troubles and hurts. Satan desires to restrain you...not a physical binding but a binding of the spirit..his desire is that the entire ordeal would ultimately destroy your faith, kill your hope and seal off your promise leaving you wounded and scarred for life..
"Jesus understands what is to be like to be abandoned, betrayed, discared and hurt by those who should have loved you... because of his death on the cross yoru wounds are now His wounds, your pain is His pain, and by His stripes you are healed."
"you must decide right now that your wounds have been open long enough..the time has come for you to push through defeat, dissapointment, rejection"
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
She is not better or worse than you, she was not chosen because she was the antithesis of you, she was chosen for her ability to whore herself, it has nothing to do with quality, he didnt' choose her because she is a wonderful person (wonderful people dont' have a "relationship" touted online and be married!)
Oh, this one is so hard to remember because somehow she is wonderful to him and he chose her over me and he is happier now. I know he is not the man I knew and its hard to remind myself of that one too. I am trying to distract myself and work on myself. Sometimes things come up unexpectedly that I wasn't prepared for how they would make me feel. This has been one of those challenging moments.
I have been faced with a lot that goes with the ow being more integrated in his life...like his family being friendly with her and not me. I think this issue is an especially hard one for me. When we met, he was not close with his family. I really pushed him to make amends (especially with his brother) and work on those relationships. I feel that I am partially responsible for him becoming closer to them. I never got the the chance to become close his parents while we were together because he was so distant from them, it seems ow now has that chance to enjoy his family the way I hoped it would be for me one day. Like so many of the other feelings that came up when xh first left, this was one of those moments when I felt cheated. One of those "its not fair" moments.
Aside from that, I have been in contact with a lot of our mutual friends and none of them treat me the same. There are the friends I have heard from who express how wrong they feel it is and there are the friends who say the same thing, but are still buddy-buddy with xh and ow. In either case, they all treat me differently and I feel like I have lost a lot of friends.
Overall, I feel as though I am going through the mourning process all over again. Mourning the loss of xh, mourning the loss of his family, mourning the loss of our friends and mourning the loss of the life we lived together.
I know this means I have to refocus on myself again. I know this will be temporary. I think it hit me hard because I truly felt that he was removed from my life and I was over it...then this...I am disappointed in myself in a way. I really didn't think anything he did or said could affect me anymore...and it just did. I let him get to me...again.
the road to recovery is a long one hon, dont' beat yourself up, it takes tons of PMA to beat the negativity that fights to eat at us every day. I"m sorry to hear about the fall out with friends/family, it is their loss.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
This thought jump started some writing I did for me that really helped. Thank you!
The road to recover is not only a long one, but a winding one. It is like being an addict, like something that will never leave. An addict that has to work on recovery everyday. We know we do this to ourselves. We know only we can turn this situation into something positive. We know we let THEM get to US. We know all of these things, we understand the logic, but then there's the brick wall. The brick wall that we are screaming at, the brick wall we can't figure out how to climb over, the brick wall we can't figure out how to break through, the brick wall that seems to go on forever to the right and the left of us and we just can't get around it. We get stuck. We can't see beyond this brick wall in front of us and all we see is everything behind us...like ghosts. Ghosts that whisper stories from the past that may or may not be true, they show us pictures in the present that may or may not be photoshopped, they take us places in the future that may or may not exist...and we can't push them away because our hands go right through them. We are fighting to make them stop. We are pushing, we are screaming, we are crying to make it all go away. Then, we hear something, a message that gets through the frequency of all the ghost's noise..."turn around"...and we stop. We are out of breath, we can't cry anymore, we look at everything we are fighting and we realize as simply as our fists go through each ghost, each ghost can pass through us undetected. All we have to do is turn around and face that brick wall. The ghosts won't know who to whisper to, who to show pictures to or where to take us because our back is turned. We have to find a way to break through it...it doesn't matter how and it doesn't matter how long it takes. All that matters is that we are working on a way to get to the other side...because on the other side are more messages.
I think what we have to realize is that the brick wall we see in front of us is also etheral; it only SEEMS solid and impenetrable. We have to go through it, even as so much of us resists, even as so much of us seems to want to STAY stuck (we've been here a while, after all, and know what to expect). We have to keep taking those steps through it - it is only by walking through it that we see it evaporate.
