As I read through your first post in this thread and the post about your surgery it was like dejavu. I had this exact conversation with myself last Saturday as I was taking a long drive. Our situations are VERY similar. I was driving, thinking about how things are pleasant and friendly with hubby, but he obviously doesn't love me and has no intention of it. Then I thought back through the years of all the things that I overlooked like the year that he decided it was better for him to live in his own apartment when I just happened to be pregnant with the twins and that on the day they were born he went home to sleep instead of sleeping in my private room at the hospital because "he would be more comfortable in his own bed". And this was years ago.
And then I had an epiphany...maybe he never was the person I projected him to be. Well, maybe in the very beginning. And realizing this made me realize that he will never change to be that person and will probably never be the person that I need him to be. And it was a load off my soul for some reason. Because its not about what I do or don't do. Or the conversations we have. That's just the way he is. And I'm the way I am. And maybe things will come back together, but I don't think he'll ever meet my expectations of what I'm looking for and its wrong for me to expect him to.
I realized he's just like my mom in that he just doesn't or can't feel like that. And I've let her off the hook after years of never feeling like she cared for me, so I can probably let him off the hook too.
I have a decision to make, but its my decision and I have time.
I know these are weird things to say, but like I said...I was feeling all the feelings you expressed and then..poof...I wasn't.
I hope you can find peace and a place to breath and realize you're loved.
TIT,
Thanks for your post. I understand what you are talking about but it is hard to convey to people who are still withiout their spouses at home. It's kinda like you never really understood what it meant to be betrayed until you were. Upon reconcillation and being almost 11 months down the road, I didn't expect him to still have "in love" feelings for her. He LIED about that, but it was to protect me. I get that, but that still indicates to me .. he is capable of lying and fooling me about what he is feeling. I will say that my H was always there for me before... so that is different. He has always been supportive, get up in the middle of the night.. even though I was nursing and he had to work the next day ... just so he could sit there with me and do the diaper change .... so this is different. I don't want to seem I am harping him .... I use this place for learning and quesitoning and venting. I question the difference in him. There is something off.... it's hard to get that "off" here in a post that doesn't come across as I am beating him down about it. But the reality is we have to address it and fix it. There are times to let issues set and rest and ride.... there are times to fix it. We need to fix it and move forward.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
Well my friends, in light of everything while my H was out of town for week.. the overwhelming need to settle this issue became to much and I emailed him the following letter.
Honey,
Right now I know you are sleeping soundly. I am sitting here reflecting on our journey together. I ponder how the break down started. I can only own my part in my break down of being a loving wife to you. You see, the way I figure it is that since my parents divorced and I only got to see my dadm 2 days out of every 30...... I obviously have a hard time being seperated from the man I love. I wish I would have known that dynamic when I met you.
I LOVE YOU
Over the years, when we moved to Georgia,(this was 10 years ago) you were gone all the time with the AF. I was talking to you about the kids and what a hard time they/we were having and you got angry and told me not to tell you about that stuff anymore because it made you feel bad and you didn't need that. That was a pivotal point for me in our relationship.... you can/could check out (so to speak) so you didn't have to hear/feel that. But then I felt alone, what about me.... I didn't have a choice I llived it, heard it, dried the tears from it... but couldn"t share it with you. I became angry about that. I lost you as a partner in Georgia. I felt you had no compassion because it was easier for you to change that to anger for some reason. I will never understand why anger is much easier and better for you than compassion and love. I don't get it. Over the years the anger and resentment from both of us has escalated. WE both had valid reasons. The more I begged, pleaded, cried, & bitched the more angry and distant you became so I begged, pleaded, cried & bitched and rinse and repeat.
I LOVE YOU
You didn't feel valued or loved. I didn't feel valued and loved. You felt like the money man and I felt like the nanny and maid. You and I spoke ill of being married and it made me sick to hear you say it. But I agreed to save face and I should have known then something was wrong. I want to be in a marriage were both parties will feel like marriage is the best thing on earth because it should be..... it can be.
I LOVE YOU
Ronnie, you don't seem happy. You are to hard on yourself. I wish you could figure out what you can do for yourself to make yourself happy. I just would request that it be done properly and honestly. You are a good person and I know you want to do good things. I am struggling with stuff myself but I can't talk about it with you and I can not stand to share anymore of my marriage stuff with my friends. You keep turning it back to it makes you feel bad. Do you see the pattern here. It dates back to Georgia. I am alone.
I LOVE YOU
I know you hate that I over think our relationship or think about it (or need to talk about it) at all but if I don't I fear what will become of it again. I need to know why it happened... How the hell did that happen? It still has the power to take my breath away. It seems like a terrible nightmare, but it's not. I fear for the future. I fear for the time when you have beat yourself up enough that eventually you will come to blame me. I already see that happening. You bring the old relationship into this new marriage I thought we were building. I told you last year that our old marriage was dead. The only way we could do it was to have a new marriage. You can't keep dragging your old resentments and feelings into this one unless you want it to end. I will not suffer for my former misdeeds. I have apologized, changed, and challenged myself to be better. I feel (even though you told me I didn't) that I fought for this marriage. Maybe I wasn't the best at it but damn it.. I could have behaved much differently and we would be divorced and hating each other right about now. But I lived that and I knew I didn't want that. I didn't want any of it but I wasn't given the choice.
I LOVE YOU
Honey, I don't know if in your heart and head you can ever be happy and satisfied here with us, mainly me. That makes me sad because I do love you... since the moment you kissed me on my forehead the night I met you. But that was a long time ago and we are in a very different place now. Now, you think that you have felt that for another. I can't take away that feeling that you obviously had for her. I can only imagine knowing how I felt about you when I fell in love with you and all the newness, awe, and wonder that brings. No faults, new stories, best behavior, no responsibilities. I understand why you miss that and long for that now, but I don't like it. You can never feel that for me again because we have a story, a journey and history. You now long for that feeling but it's not there and now you feel empty and sad I guess. I can't provide that for you. I can't live my life with you nursing a broken heart in front of me. It's not fair and it's cruel beyond all. I do not deserve to be demeaned by this affair anymore. I have had enough of it. After a certain amount of time with any person that inital "crush" stage goes away. It's not sustainable but a good relationship is. You don't trust me to give that to you. I have tried to earn that trust from you for over a year. I have put myself out there and at a huge risk to myself. I have recently had to overlook another incident (remember I overheard a conversation between him and a friend where married friend was saying he wanted to hang out with other women and my husband was like .."yea"...I know he didn't though) (I feel H should have been shouting fromt he roof tops Hell NO) The end result of that left me not trusting my decision to trust you and the life I thought we were building. I have lost all abilitity to read you good or bad because of that. I thought things were good and to my surprise they weren't (if they were, you wouldn't have been saying those things).. that's ok your entitled to your feelings but you have to understand why I am in such a tailspin..... I never know the truth about how you feel. You say things and now I second guess them.... it drives me crazy wondering if it's really true ... this time. I feel bad because maybe this time it is the truth but how can I know that now? I hope that it is clear... that I have a desire to believe in you.
I LOVE YOU
This letter started out as a love letter and I still feel it is.... it just changed directions. Ronnie, no matter what I WILL always love you. Forever. That said ... you need to be happy. You need to figure out what is going to make you happy. The kids and I will be fine whatever that may be. If your happy and I am happy our kids will be fine. I thought I would be happy with you being home but that's not possible if your not going to be a part of that 110 percent. I kinow we are compatible in many ways... but I fear that's not enough for you anymore. You need that rush of new love or something that I don't provide for you anymore. Honey, I know you have tried and last year that's all I asked for and now you have and I wonder if it's not going to work out for you. That is so important for me now. Your happiness and well being. I will do whatever, sacrifice whatever for you to have that.
I LOVE YOU
Did we miss our chance to start over together? What could I have done differently to prove to you who I can be? Will it ever be enough and will your passion for me ever return? I want and need that passion from you. (I am not talking of ML passion here.... that's there just fine) I am tired of beating this dead horse issue....I know you are just as tired of it too. I can not be satisfied with just "not talking" about this real issue in our marriage and pretend it doesn't exist or bother me. I can't forget about it and I don't know how to exist in this marriage with the knowledge.
I LOVE YOU
She's out there and your out there and it's only a matter of time before you reconnect in some fashion. I don't feel in my heart you are strong enough to honor your commitment to me if this occurs. It would be foolish for me to think anything else based on the recent knowledge I have. You have claimed recently that there is nothing there but you dont' lose those feelings in a few short weeks... so I know they are there and you are just trying to be sweet and make me feel better because you care about me. It really is sweet honey that you care that much about me, but it also insults my intelligence. You have really tried to protect me best you can and I do appreciate it. I thought I placed a boundary about other women, I told you no second chances but here I am, compromising my being, my sanity just to be with you. As the weeks go by, I see this is messing with my mind, and because of that I am going to go back to needing to be reassured, needy, crying, begging and that is only going to build resentment between us. I don't want that to happen. I don't want to live my life feeling like I am being judged, because I will fail.
I LOVE YOU
I don't know how to get out of the circle that I/we are trapped in. I can not trust your need to go "hang out with other women" or whatever Justin was talking about to make yourself feel better, even if it's temporary. It's a bullshit thing that it doesn't mean anything and nothing's gonna happen. That crap is just a step below cheating. You know it, and I know it. There is no way you can convince me that's a cool thing to do when you are married. Anyway, I don't want to focus on that because it's not about that really. It's about what we are willing to tolerate.
I LOVE YOU
Ronnie.... I don't know what's going on with you. I wish you would seek help.... you keep saying you will and you don't. I have given you books, offered services to you, but you don't follow thru. Your not willing to do the work to repair this marriage. You quit in October and we have not progressed any. In fact, recently we took leaps and bounds backwards and you have done nothing to repair that. Your answer to me is I need to make a decision. Does this mean that you've done all your going to do for us? Your going to quit working on us? You are done trying to move us forward and I am sitting here again waiting for you to decide if I am worth it. Our marraige is failing and you don't seem to want to open your eyes and admit it. It won't get better unless the issues are addressed, I am not content anymore to let them fade off into the sunset. The issue with the affair can and it has for the most part ... but the recent issue has not been dealt with. I need to know why you felt/feel that way, that night with Justin. I need to know why you still love her. We were getting along fine. It makes no sense and I need it to make sense. Your answer to me is basically deal with it or make a decision to get a divorce. Not much of a fair choice for someone who just wants their marriage to works so badly.
I LOVE YOU
I am sorry this is long. I want you to know... that I know you are good. I need you to believe in yourself again. I believe in you Ron, that's why I haven't given up, but I need your help here. I need your happiness, your light, your bright spirit. I need your calm leadership in our home. I need your peaceful, patience being back with me. You have so much going for you professionally, for someone who says they really dont' care about their job, that's simply amazing and there is no one who breaths on this earth who is more proud of you than me. Yes, it's me Ronnie. I have walked with you thru this and have seen your sacrifices to get here. Your long hours, your jet lags, your tiredness, and yet you give it your all for us. I have watched you succeed in so many things that you don't even deem a success. Time and again you surprise me. I didn't tell you enough because I wasn't brought up that way and now I see that was wrong.l I am sorry you didn't know, I thought the world of you. I still do.
I LOVE YOU
I love you. I want to be happily married to you. I want to trust you. I want to spend the rest of my life blissfully in love WITH YOU!
I LOVE YOU
I get glimpses of what can be with us, but actions have led to doubts and I don't trust myself anymore. I don't trust myself to know what's real and not real. Betrayal is hard to overcome and you aren't the only one who has felt stupid during this whole thing. There are so many things I feel stupid about... how did I not know... etc...etc... and then how did I not know that 9 months later you were still in love with her. I really question myself over this. It's very confusing because you say you want to be here, you say you love me, and then BOOM! Another rug pulled out from underneath it all.
What do you want Ronnie?
Please take your time and reflect what YOU want. Not what you need or should do. What's going to make my dearest person on Earth happy? Whatever your answer, please be true to yourself. This is all I ask, after all this time is your honesty in this answer. Please be honest about it...... think and pray about it. Honest whether it hurts or not. Because eventually dishonest hurts worse.
I LOVE YOU ALWAYS & FOREVER!
Your Wife,
Sandycay
Long letter right? Well I sent that to him about 10 days ago and received a wonderful follow phone call from him. I think he finally got it, and I think he finally got the wake up call that he needed at this point. Which is to poop or get off the pot. Since he has been honem he has been very present and his remainder of his trip he was very present. I hope it last this time and I hope he has done some deep reflecting. Of course, he said he would "go get help, I guess" but since his return he hasn't said anything, but he seems like his old self.... YEA
I will comtinue to pray it last and we don't have to go down the rollercoaster anymore...I really hope that was the last big hurdle we had to face in this whole thing.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
Today is our 18th Anniversary! If you would have told me last year that I would have had this chance to spend it with my husband, I would have told you NO WAY!
Last year, no acknowledgment toward me. Nothing. I say this in effort to let others know that sometimes miracles do happen.
We are off to see a Mariner's Game today together, create a new memory so last years will not be in vain. We will never forget to where we have been.
I am forever grateful for the friends I have made here and the sage advice I have been giving. Without your stories and advice and willing ear... I may not be here today.
My prayers continue for you and yours.
Love You Guys!
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
LOL...I re read my other post and what I meant to say was
Sage advice I have been GIVEN!
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
