Well, I have tried to start this new thread numerous times but end up erasing it everytime.
I do not know where H and I are right now. Everything is calm and peaceful. He seems to be fully engaged in making his place in the house. These are all great things.
H has been honest about his "lingering" feelings for OW. We have had a few discussions about this over the last couple of weeks as the circumstances that came up a few weeks ago has sent me into an unforseen tailspin. I am depressed for the first time in my life.
I have a H that by all appearances and actions loves me and wants me to be happy and is so remorseful for his actions. I have a H that has confessed to still be in Love with the OW, there has been no contact since May. I have to be honest and say I feel like I am living a slow death of my heart and soul.
He is great man and I know that he is being honest with his feelings (he doesn't want to deceive me) but everytime I feel close to him.... there it is .my heartbreak..... my lack of understanding how he could still after 10 months love this OW. On top of that, he knows that he was/is in love with the fantasy of what she portrayed herself to be..... she turned out to be a you-know-what.
We had a conversation Wed. night and it really boils down to can I choke it back and live like this? for how long? How will I know when it's done for him? Or We can seperate and let him deal with it on his own as he should have done instead of running right back to me as a safety net. Or we can just be done. These are my decisions to make.. None of these options are good..... there are so many sacrifices in all of them.
I truly do not understand how he can think he can love her and love me like he does. He says he just wants to happy and have every day happy but understands why that's hard for me to pretend to do.
He says I deserve better... that I should make a decision and stick to it....that he will never leave the house or the kids & me again, I would have to ask him to leave and he would respect that and take care of us like he did last year. It wouldn't be ugly just very sad. He doesn't understand that if this is where he wants to be why he has these lingering feelings. He said that he doesnt' spend a lot of time dwelling on it though.
Enough about him though.... My friends, I am not sure how to manage this emotion I have. I fear that the final blow, the last nail as been struck within me. I can't pretend that this problem isn't there... I try... I have tried.... I am not successful and last night it hit me. It hurts to give so freely and to be so close and open and know I am sharing a space in his heart.
The boundary was set a year ago.... she's out or your out. I won't share.... so now what do I do? How in the heck can I set a boundary on a fantasy. I find it hard to believe that we came so far in this and the reason my marriage is going to fail is not because my H had an affair, lied, left my kids and me in a matter of hours, was an absent dad and never looked back for me, but because he can't get over the feeling of "love" he has for a f*ck*ng wh*re. There I said it. I have tried to be nice. I feel like I am being disrespected and my self esteem is crashing.
He has said he will go to counseling (in a can't stand to do that tone).. but he hasn't ..... I am not going to force him or set it up for him. If he really wanted to help get over that he needs to do that for himself and for us.
I am sadden by all of this.
I am having surgery on Monday and will be on serious drugs for about 10 days ... so if my post are out of whack it's the drugs talking not me. ;-)
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
Wow SC I am sorry you are feeling so low, but I understand it. How many times have I wondered if H still looks at me and comares me to OW, if he compares our whole relationship to what 'might have been'.
Of course we need to remind ourselves, there is a reason that the affair ended. In your case it sounds like your husband found out she was a lying, cheating, manipulative skank. Didn't he say something to that effect?
I know it doesn't help, but I don't really think he loves her. He loves his idealized version of her, his selective memory of her. Like you said, you are competing with a fantasy, pure and simple. The disadvantage to that is, she is a fantasy . So he can remember things however he wants, or imagine that she was better than she was. And be totally unrealistic...
The benefit is, she is a fantasy. Because she isn't there. And you are. He said he just wants things to be happy with you on a daily basis.(You said: He says he just wants to happy and have every day happy but understands why that's hard for me to pretend to do.)
So if you decide you do want to keep moving forward with your marriage, maybe that is something you could work on? Being happy, upbeat, fun in his presence. I know I am asking the impossible when you say you are depressed and facing surgery...
My theory is, if you are unhappy, jealous, depressed, and H knows it; then when he is around you he is feeling this sadness and emptiness. Then you say he has his pretend image of ow. I am sure it is not an image of sadness/guilt/emptiness. He prob. feels guilty seeing you in pain because he knows he caused your pain with his choices. If memory serves he has said as much, he gets angry at himself for how he hurt you.
I care about you, I am not trying to hurt you more or question your feelings. But I am applying some of what I know from what I have read in books and from my own life. If the time he spends with you leaves him feeling guilty and inadequate, and angry at himself, that is not going to be time he enjoys. Add that to unrealistic images of fantasygirl, and it sucks.
However if you can find a way to boost your own confidence (and remember he CHOSE you! He is WITH you and says he LOVES you and WANTS you. ), that would be so great. Imagine he spends time with you and you DO laugh, have fun, relax with each other. As things improve with your relationship over time, he won't need a fantasy relationship to think about. He will have a REAL, fun relationship to think about.
I mention this b/c my DB coach said that for a lot of these guys, there is a feeling that we are scrutinizing them every minute we are together. Because they have hurt us and we are looking for signs that they are "making it up to us" or even signs that they might "do it again". If they feel tense and judged all the time, they may decide "time with wife = tension". If the goal is to keep your marriage and make it a better one, there needs to be a way to reduce the tension and increase the 'fun'.
Again I know i have rambled on and on but I am fresh from my first DB coach call and re-visiting my own approach to things...
Good luck with your surgery, I hope all goes well. I have been looking for you around here, glad you are back.
my heart hurts a little after having just read your post.
(((( sandy ))))
this is turning into a bit of a sad day for me ..slowly but surely. i am not sure what it is but there just seems to be a bad vibe going on ..on these boards. A number of sitches that i am fairly close to are under some serious attack from Satan.
i kind of felt like i needed to spend a little more time on here today then normal. I have tried to be a steadying voice for some people. don't really know how that is going.
i just watched Fireproof last night for the first time. i was pretty amazed by it.
receive your sustenance from the Lord. His grace and mercy will wash over you.
Sandy - When your H says he's still "in love" with OW, what I think it really means is that he misses that dopamine high.
Antidepressants would probably help him, but since he hasn't gone for counseling, what else could you do to boost his levels? Is he exercising? What can YOU change to make yourself or home novel, interesting, new? Will he take vitamins and fish oil?
And meanwhile, you need to LIVE YOUR LIFE! What are you doing that's fun for YOU??? Don't let his depression drag you down too. What have you always wanted to do that you've been putting off? What adventures await you? Start going out with friends, take a class, learn a new instrument, don;t put YOUR life on hold one minute longer.
I've never read your situation or posted to you, but I happened upon your new thread here and read what you posted. I was the one that had the affair in my relationship.
I'd like to support you in having patience with your H. I can tell you that it took me quite a while to get past those feelings I had for the OM. I can't even hardly explain it- OM was divorced, jobless, did drugs, had major anger issues, preyed on my vulnerabilities, lacking in parenting skills, had loser friends, etc. Yet, I couldn't get him off my mind. I would think of specific things that made me feel special and beautiful. I knew life with OM would be horrible, but I loved those specific things he did. How selfish I was to go to another person so that I could have ALL my needs met and didn't work with my OWN husband until I got them from him. My H is more than the OM could EVER be.
I tell you that, because your H is more than likely feeling the same as me. The longer he is away from her, the more she will leave his mind/thoughts. I love my H. Do I sometimes think about OM? Yes. But, I love my H, and I don't think the same way as I did before. Don't let this stop your love for your H. Don't think you are sharing his heart with her.....she is not real, and he knows this. It was fantasy love. He loves YOU. He made the worst mistake of his life with HER, and he is paying for it and he knows it. I'd suggest to tell him to stop sharing his thoughts of OW with you, and to have him stop the thoughts everytime they come up.
Sandy, I am sorry things are not going well. You mentioned H would not do IC but have you two been to MC at all(I've read your sitch but can't remember right now)or Retrouvaille? That may help the two of you get back on track. As other posters have pointed out, H chose YOU and remains with YOU. He may have lingering thoughts of OW but I doubt it is LOVE.
I hope your surgery goes well. Keep us posted when you feel up to it.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
Your last paragraph resonates with everthing I know .. it all does. I guess I just need to decide if I can buck up again and go forth...I care for you to and hope you are well.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
Sandy - When your H says he's still "in love" with OW, what I think it really means is that he misses that dopamine high.
Antidepressants would probably help him, but since he hasn't gone for counseling, WE did MC what else could you do to boost his levels? Is he exercising? What can YOU change to make yourself or home novel, interesting, new? Will he take vitamins and fish oil? I exercise him (I am a runner) and I would say I have pulled out almost allthe stops as far as interesting. He might do supplements but due to his job I am not sure which ones are legal regarding the FAA or AF. And meanwhile, you need to LIVE YOUR LIFE! What are you doing that's fun for YOU??? Don't let his depression drag you down too. What have you always wanted to do that you've been putting off? What adventures await you? Start going out with friends, take a class, learn a new instrument, don;t put YOUR life on hold one minute longer. I am going back to school to change careers that was a 180. Ellie
Ellie... Thanks so much for your post... your right I am letting this drag me down but it really is the first time this has happened since it all began... so I just need to pull it together
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
I've never read your situation or posted to you, but I happened upon your new thread here and read what you posted. I was the one that had the affair in my relationship.
I'd like to support you in having patience with your H. I can tell you that it took me quite a while to get past those feelings I had for the OM. I can't even hardly explain it- OM was divorced, jobless, did drugs, had major anger issues, preyed on my vulnerabilities, lacking in parenting skills, had loser friends, etc. Yet, I couldn't get him off my mind. I would think of specific things that made me feel special and beautiful. I knew life with OM would be horrible, but I loved those specific things he did. How selfish I was to go to another person so that I could have ALL my needs met and didn't work with my OWN husband until I got them from him. My H is more than the OM could EVER be.
I tell you that, because your H is more than likely feeling the same as me. The longer he is away from her, the more she will leave his mind/thoughts. I love my H. Do I sometimes think about OM? Yes. But, I love my H, and I don't think the same way as I did before. Don't let this stop your love for your H. Don't think you are sharing his heart with her.....she is not real, and he knows this. It was fantasy love. He loves YOU. He made the worst mistake of his life with HER, and he is paying for it and he knows it. I'd suggest to tell him to stop sharing his thoughts of OW with you, and to have him stop the thoughts everytime they come up.
WDID
Thanks for the advice WDID... I appreciate your insight from his side.... sometimes my "emotions" get in the way of being able to do that
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
), that would be so great. Imagine he spends time with you and you DO laugh, have fun, relax with each other. As things improve with your relationship over time, he won't need a fantasy relationship to think about. He will have a REAL, fun relationship to think about.