Devestated

[sonshyn]

I know what you mean about feeling like you are dating again. That is how I feel most days. But, I love that feeling. It's like everything is new. No baggage, no drama. Just fun and feeling happy. It's all still there, but not as important.

I don't know if you remember reading it, but I feel like I built a fence. The crap from the A is on the other side of the fence and I will not allow it to come on my side. My side if fun, positive, friendly, and open to new beginnings.

Take care and God bless!
K

[SoCo]

Well, I think I'm detaching. My h is avoiding us, because he is trying to avoid the whole situation. He says it "hurts" too much. I am having to deal with the hard questions from the kids about when daddy is coming, and my older s 8 asked me today if things are getting better between me and dad. So, h is working and doing whatever, and I'm answering the hard questions. This sucks.

I read something on a thread, I think by Steady, that perfectly described this situation. He was talking about his w, but it's the same thing. He said that she does not want to do the work, period. He has the picture of what could be, and has been, providing that they both do the work. However, if only one spouse is willing to do the work, nothing will change. Well, I am willing to do the work, but h just wants to hide.

My wall is building, and he is helping to build it. Every time I have to answer one of my innocent kids questions about this, a brick goes in my wall. Every time I think h is lying to me (I think he's involved w/someone) a brick goes in my wall. Every day that goes by that he doesn't call his kids, another brick. Pretty soon that wall is going to be tall, and the mortar will have hardened. He could be tearing down the wall, but instead he is helping to build it up higher and higher.

More than the pain that I feel, the pain he is causing my kids is hardening that wall. Pick up the phone. I don't care how busy you are at work, take 15 minutes every day. F****** Jerk.

I was trying to call him tonight for something and he had the nerve to tell me that we are not "together" so he doesn't have to answer to me. I hope that an emergency doesn't happen with the kids, because he doesn't have to answer to me and might not even know. Oh, and he also asked me if I wanted to put a GPS device on his car so that I would know where he was. Bricks, bricks, bricks. I think I'm at the anger/hate stage. I'm trying to remain civil for everyone's sake, but I would SO love to just unleash on him.

[SoCo]

Oh, yeah. I forgot the part about him calling me today and asking me to please call and pay his cell phone bill, because he was busy and didn't have time. Um, isn't that something a spouse would do for their spouse? If you don't need to answer to me, don't call and ask me to do favors for you that married people do.

[SoCo]

I am so tired of this emotional roller coaster. I need to get off. Can someone else take my ticket? I'm tired of going to work with puffy eyes from crying the night before. I need to learn to just not care. How do I do that? I'm angry, but anger still means that you care. Uggg. Please offer some advice. I have very little time for myself. My full time job and two kids keep me too busy to go to the gym, salon, etc. Hopefully h will move into his own place so that at least he can help with the kids. If he does... who knows. He is a stranger to me at this point. He was always a good dad before. It's definitely the alien. However, maybe this "alien" is who he always was, it was just hidden.

[SoCo]

bump hoping for some words of wisdom or at least an understanding friend

[SoCo]

So, I think I will just stop the communication unless it is about the kids. He obviously feels that I am still trying to "control" him. He is doing stupid stuff just to try to spite me, like going to get a tatoo. He says he has always wanted one, and I didn't approve, so now he's getting one. Okay, go for it. What does it matter to me now? He's being like a rebellious child. He won't be getting any vibes of control from me. He can do whatever he wants as far as I'm concerned, as long as it doesn't harm the kids. He needs to not call me and ask for me to help him and pay his bill or whatever since he doesn't have time though. That's stuff we used to do for each other. I guess I'm giving up the efforts at being more loving. He says that he has noticed it, and it's making it "more painful" for him. I'm 95% sure that there is an ow at this point. I have no proof, it's just instinct.

[pearlharbr]

(((SoConfused)))

I'm new to your sitch, but you sounded like you could use some hugs. I've been there!

I'm not the person to offer advice on detaching. I only accomplished it when I decided I was really done with xBF. After that things were SO much easier for me. I also went completely dark because we do not have children.

You are right, getting off the roller coaster is the step you need to take. I was riding it constantly myself so I understand the toll it takes. Whether or not your H has his own apt should not impact his ability to watch the kids so you can have some time to yourself. I hope there's a way you can make arrangements because GAL is so important to detaching. Once I started doing activities I enjoyed I noticed I wasn't thinking nearly as much about my xBF, OW or the sitch.

Please make an effort to find some time for yourself. I know you're crazy busy but taking care of yourself is the best way to take care of your family. If you're not around or in a good state, how much will that impact the children?

I hope you take this the way it's intended. Just trying to help ease the pain I know you are going through.

[SoCo]

Thank you Pearl. I do need some understanding here, because I really have nobody to talk to about this situation. My mom doesn't understand (she and dad have been married for 38 years), obviously the kids are out, so it is lonely. You can't possibly understand the situation or the feelings that go with it if you haven't been there before. I feel like if there were no kids involved it would be so much easier for me to cut ties and walk away. I could get mad, stay mad, and feel cold and angry. With the kids, I will have to see him all the time for years, and then after that too. I have to be civil and try to keep the communication open and friendly.

[sonshyn]

{{SoConfused}}

I'm so sorry to hear how much pain you are going through right now. The worst part is what is happening to the kids. We, as adults understand and can deal, but I get royally pi$$ed about the kids, because they don't understand. And I'm so sorry that you are picking up the pieces. That is one thing I can't relate to, but please know my prayers are for you.

I agree with pearl that you need to try to GAL. Can you bring the kids to a drop in daycare or share time with a friend? Does your H see them at all? Can you arrange for visitation times with him so you can do your own thing?

Maybe you are at a point that you need to act "as if" you are officially separated and H will have to face the consequences of that.

Whatever you do, please don't stop posting. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

God Bless!
K

[pearlharbr]

I do need some understanding here, because I really have nobody to talk to about this situation.

I get this too. Several of my close girlfriends are single and have never been in a serious R. Others thought I should have walked without looking back at the beginning. My mom divorced my biological father because she found out he was cheating so she was on the "walk now" bandwagon and also ends up making everything in my life a competition with what she went through. So not helpful!

Only here have I found people who (unfortunately) understand what I'm going through.

So vent away. Journal your thoughts and feelings. Ask questions, ask for support or advice, whatever you need.