I posted over the weekend about my current situation. My h and I separated because of lots of lies and strange behavior on his part. It's been about 2 months. I have thought and thought and wanted us to work on things and try to save our family, for us and the kids.
I was willing to forgive, work, and try to grow and move on. My h has been staying w/a friend and the kids and I have been in a townhome for the last 2 months. I came to the decision that I wanted to ask him to come stay with us and work on things. I wanted to move forward and try for the sake of our family. All this time he has been saying that he still loves me, misses us, blah blah blah. Of course he still wanted to sleep with me.
He comes over last night, we have a nice dinner, play with kids, etc. They went to bed and he had been lovy dovey all night and day with tm's etc. We made love. I then told him I had an idea, about him coming to stay with us while we work on things. Instead of being happy and wanting to try, he blows up at me and starts chewing me out. I have put him through two months of hell, etc. etc. He says I should have wanted to live together and try in November. He stormed out and even left his freaking shoes in my bedroom. He said he'd get them later. I'm so devestated.
All this time, he tells me he loves me, misses me, etc. and then when I pour my heart out and open the door for us to try to make it he blows up?? I feel like I have been used. I feel like a freaking prostitute. I wanted to cry all day at work today and had to fight back the tears all day. I was willing to try to forgive and move on from the hell he put ME through leading up to the separation, but he will not do the same for me and his family and kids. That's it. I have to find a way to just make myself not care. How does someone do that? H is about to go sign a lease for a year for an apartment. That's it. I don't know if he has found someone else, or why he would turn on me all of the sudden when I decided to pour my heart out to him. I guess I'm good enough to "love" in bed, but not in the same house. I feel literally sick to my stomach. I don't even want to sleep in this bed. I have to keep the happy face on for my kids. God, how do I do it? Me-32 h-33 Married 12 years separated- 2 months son-8 daughter-3 looks like divorce is looming...
Last edited by SoConfused; 02/25/0902:07 AM.
"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out." Robert Collier
"One's best success often comes after their greatest disappointments." Henry Ward Beecher
I have decided that I most definitely will try to avoid contacting him. He gets paid on Friday, so he will bring us some money. I have to talk to him for so many things that the kids are involved in. It would be so much easier to just break free if there were no kids involved. I will have to sit at my son's games all season either next to him, or being awkward and sitting apart. Uggggg.
"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out." Robert Collier
"One's best success often comes after their greatest disappointments." Henry Ward Beecher
Hi SoConfused. Besides having the OW over the Internet that he was communicating with, can you give us an idea of the problems that exsist? You talked about his lying, etc. but I felt you were keeping something back. Also, why do YOU think was his reason for getting so angry if he led you to believe he wanted to work on the M? Something doesn't add up. If you can open up and tell us more, maybe we can offer more advice.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The reason that he supposedly got so mad is the way I worded something during our chat. We were discussing the fact that if he went out and signed a years lease, then we would both be stuck in long leases if we were to work something out. He threw in my face that I signed a years lease. I told him that when this was first going on, I didn't see much hope of things getting worked out and I wanted a stable place for me and the kids. He had been acting irrational, and I was afraid he was going to leave us, and then I wouldn't be able to support the kids. This was not uncalled for, as he had actually taken off a couple of different times, and yelled at me that we needed to just get divorced. So, how are you supposedly going to get so mad that I said I didn't feel that things would work out. If I thought they would, I wouldn't have wanted to seperate to start with.
Obviously, I was trying to give it another try now, and that's why we were having this talk. I also told him that I had thought about (we had even discussed it before we separated) the fact that if we did get things worked out before a year was up, that he could come stay with us. He was supposed to be staying with his friend this whole time and trying to pay things off, etc. Now all of the sudden, that goes out the window and he HAS to have his own place. I think it's because he is interested in someone else. I know he went on a date. You can't really take your OW back to your friends little apartment. As for the OW he was talking to on the internet, that was someone far away, and I read the e-mails. It was just talking like "friend" talk, however I felt that it was inappropriate in some aspects. I felt it was an EA, because one night when we had a disagreement, I sent him to stay at a friend's house for the night. He was texting me talking about how he couldn't sleep, etc. Yet one of the e-mails to this woman was from that night. If you are so broken up about being apart from me, why would you be e-mailing another woman? That's why I felt that he was in/on the verge of EA.
I swear he was in total denial before we separated, even though we talked about it two months before hand. It's like he has no memory of what we talked about. He is basically acting like he suffered so much during these past two months (because of his own actions) and now that he's about to get his own place and be "free" I am trying to pull him back. That's not his working, it's just my take of the situation.
Anyway, I guess whatever will be will be. I don't want to even speak to him after the way he treated me. His shoes are still on my back patio. I have only contacted him once and that was about the house (which we still have to get rid of). I guess that's what they call "going dark". I will speak with him about the kids but not on a personal level. I have been on too much of an emotoinal roller coaster. We have not disconnected. We have been talking on a personal level. We have been sleeping together, and eating together a couple of nights a week. So, after this, I'm just assuming that he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Not gonna happen buddy.
"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out." Robert Collier
"One's best success often comes after their greatest disappointments." Henry Ward Beecher
So, anyone have any insight why he would act like this? Males??? What am I missing? It's so hard to think that even if this doesn't end up working out I am going to have to see him and be polite to him so often. Every game, event, etc. etc. for the kids. How awkward. I will of course, but it's hard. I have the feeling of being used now after this.
"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out." Robert Collier
"One's best success often comes after their greatest disappointments." Henry Ward Beecher
There is a reason for him acting so erratically. My first thoughts are he is either trying to go into a MLC or he is involved with OW.....maybe both. He seems young for MLC, but I don't know that age has that much to do with it anymore. It seems that something is going on for sure! I think he is wanting to have his cake and eat it. He wants you, but he aslo blames you for everything that doesn't suit him well. My advice would be to start pulling back from communication ASAP. Only if it is absolutely necessary to talk to him about the kids or finances. Don't talk about the R.
I have to go to work. Will talk again as soon as I get a break.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi again. Just a quick note to let you know I'm thinking about you. I hope you will be thinking about the boundaries you are going to set for your M. By that, I mean, what can you live with and what will you absolutely not stand to allow. I think it may do your H some good to have time to cool his heels before you try to talk to him again. If he has another woman, then he will not act any differently. He may be okay for a day or two, but he won't be able to hang with the act before losing his cool once more. I think he is covering up something if he is not going into a MLC. If he is entering MLC, then it will be a long spell (like 3-5 years for some). You may want to visit over in the MLC section to determine if you think any of it sounds familiar. I don't know if he is. As I said, he seems young to me, but you never know these days. I would hold off talking about the R as long as you can and give yourself time to think about what you are ready to deal with and what you won't take.
Talk later, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks for the replies, Sandi. I agree about the part that he wants his cake and eat it too. He wants his freedom, but he wants me to cook for him and all the other stuff. I would say MLC, because a big thing that he's mad about and started acting strangely about is that he wanted to quit his salaried job and open his own buisness. In this economy I said that I didn't think that was a good idea. Our kids need a roof over their head and food on the table. However, he's only 33! I think he thinks that the grass is greener on the other side and blames me for not letting him "live his dream" of opening the business. We have to be practical, we can't just go off on a whim when we have two kids to support.
I'm also highly suspicious that he has met someone and of course thinks she is great. Who isn't great with no history, stress, arguments, or responsibilities? I'm sure if that is the case it will wear off after a while. I have no doubt that after he is in his own place for a couple of months and misses everything that I do, and the kids, he will want to come back. I'm not sure my door will be open at that point... I guess if it's an OW she could do all of those things for him, but he most definitely has faults, and not everyone would have put up with as much as I did.
Also, I want to know this. Is it normal for a guy not to at least call his kids every day? I could not go 3 or 4 days without speaking to my kids. Since I stopped contacting him, he has not called me one time to talk to the kids. It has been since Monday, and tomorrow is Friday. He was a good dad when we were together, so I'm confused by this. I sent him a tm that was strictly to the point. It said Reminder: baseball practice at 5:00. He tm's back with I'm working like always. WTH? I sent back, just wanted to keep you informed. He sent back thank you. It's not for you, buddy, it's for your son! I of course didn't say that. Ugggg... Why would a guy not at least call to talk to his kids? He's going to play poker with the guys Friday night after work, supposedly. Why not come see your kids instead? I really would like a male perspective on this.
"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out." Robert Collier
"One's best success often comes after their greatest disappointments." Henry Ward Beecher
Okay, advice please. Before the big blow up that I posted about, we had talked about leaving the kids with grandma and going out on a "date" next weekend. I just talked to him a little while ago and he acts like he still wants to go. Should I go and see what happens or not? Still confused...
"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out." Robert Collier
"One's best success often comes after their greatest disappointments." Henry Ward Beecher
Not sure about the date, but as a dad I could never go that long without seeing and/or talking with my kids. I'm lucky in one way that my W left me and the kids so I get to live with them! She is the one missing out as she spends most of her time with OM.
Me-44 WAW-42 (ILYBNILWY) S-16 S-14 M-10/17/1992 T23 Met OM 10/10/08; Bomb 12/27/08; Moved in with OM 01/27/09 Me stronger and happier everyday!
