Wow, Rob - way to go! You sound like you're in such a strong place right now. That's so great! It gives me a real sense of hope that someday I too will achieve the level of calm and composure that you're demonstrating. Thanks for the inspiration.
lemonsnap
Me - 29 H - 29 M - 6 months T - 8 years ILYBNILWY - 1/24/09 Recovery begins 3/1/09
Wow, Rob - way to go! You sound like you're in such a strong place right now. That's so great! It gives me a real sense of hope that someday I too will achieve the level of calm and composure that you're demonstrating. Thanks for the inspiration.
Thank you Lemonsnap, your words are very encouraging, it's nice to get positive feedback.
Just remember, it wasn't an overnight transformation, I took a fair amount of lumps along the way to feel the way I do right now, personally 2008 was the hardest, most painful and probably also the best year of my life. It's the most amount of growth I've ever experienced in my whole life and it's funny to say it but it required this kind of stimulus to jolt me into this growth and becoming this way.
If you allow yourself to experience this growth and don't remain guarded (ie. attacking first before someone attacks you), continue to wear your heart on your sleeve but allowing yourself to experience a great life in the face of adversity, you too will experience the kind of individual growth that you never knew you were capable of. If a few years ago I could peek into the future and look at me now, I'm sure I would have thought it was impossible to be the kind of person I am today and that should tell you that the potential inside of you to become something much greater exists in all of us, it's waiting to be accessed and used.
It's like going to the gym and working your muscles, they're only going to grow and get bigger if they get pushed hard enough and are forced to adapt to conditions that never previously presented themselves.
You can wallow in self-pity all of your life (I've done that for a fair bit of my life) or you can recognize that you have the gift of life, make use of it and live a great one. The side effects are that you will become an amazingly strong, attractive and energetic person - someone you never knew could exist.
Here's another thought, if I'm this way right now after all of this has happened to me, what happens if I continue to press forward, continue to improve and continue to make use of my untapped potential? I never thought I could be this way several years ago, who knows what I could be like a few years from now if I continue improving?
It's kind of exciting when you think about it.
You are more than capable of it too, the only thing you have to do is believe in yourself and just do it. ;-)
You are doing fantastic!! So proud of you. Yes it does work but getting people to believe that when they first come here is hard to do b/c of their fear of losing their spouse. They cannot understand how pulling back draws them closer to you, but it does.
Let me ask you a question about her temper tantrums. If she is having one of these and the phone rings or somebody comes to the door, does she immediately cut it out and act normal? If so, that proves she can control her fits but she just does not want to do it. People who throw tantrums....LIKE throwing them. They have used that as their tool of emotional blackmail for so long until some do not know what else to do to get their way, so they act like a two-year old. However, it is much, much worse when it is an adult behaving like that. There is no excuse for it. It shames me to think my own gender acts like that instead of acting like a graceful and poised lady!
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asked me if I had seen her mp3 player recently (why would i know where that is? -
Isn't it so funny to sit back and watch this played out for you? I mean it is sooo obvious that she was looking for any excuse to call you. Yep, it is working just fine! So, keep doing what works b/c you are finding cheese at the end of those tunnels.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi Sandi, seriously I think I have a fan club in you ;-)
I love the positive reinforcement, I feel pretty good as it is but reading your replies just puts that little extra in there that makes you feel even better - I appreciate it, thank you very much!!!
You can pretty much ask anything so no worries there.
Yes I've seen that she can control them, I've actually brought it up on occasion with her. She can be perfectly fine with her friends and she has never had a flare up with them - I pointed that out to her. When we were living together, I remembered her having a bad day, temper tamtrum, being rude, miserable and lethargic, doing nothing at home all day (and this was during a period of time where she willfully quit her job) complaining she felt sick or tired (or both) and then at 9 or 10 in the evening, getting dolled up and going out with friends to a club or a restaurant and I would comment that she apparently felt much better in an instant.
She does act that way, she has all her life and I would give in to it all the time.
No worries though, I don't give in to it anymore. I don't do it to resist an argument or stop a fight, I basically tell her that I don't feel like rewarding her crap behavior with my attention so she can act the way she wants to act as long as she knows that I won't be there to watch & listen to her act like an immature brat and that she was very unattractive when she acted that way. The first time I ever mentioned this exact thing to her (a few months ago when I was learning to stand up for myself), it threw her off balance, she was visibly affected, she didn't understand it that I wasn't going to sit there and accept her tantrums as normal adult behavior. I told her she was boring & unattractive when she did this and I had better things to do with my time than waste them on every episode like this one.
Yes you're right, it is funny to sit back and watch this play out as it has been. I had the kids for my share of the time and when I told her that she would be taking them for the next several days, she was also thrown off, I had them for a few extra days (some scheduling snafu's at her work required me to have them a bit longer) and I guess she was enjoying the freedom of not having to take care of the kids so when I told her she would take them she was left off balance. "You mean you can't watch them?", "I'm not really prepared to take them", "haven't done their laundry in a bit" (she lives with her parents, they take care of most of this stuff for her), "Maybe it would be easier if you kept them for the rest of the week". To which I replied, if you need clean clothes for the kids, you can come by & pick up whatever you need from what I have because i just did the laundry and we're up to date at our end plus I have a few things do the rest of this week. She asked if I was going out last night or this week, I eluded that it was possible that I was but didn't give her any details, she had more questions along those lines about wanting to know where I was, she genuinely curious, my cell rang a few times when were talking and I just muted it each time and she asked who it was, I told her just a friend - it was funny because my phone is usually never that busy so that made her more curious (I didn't take the calls while talking to her), she told me it was ok to speak to whoever was calling, I told her I know it's ok but i have caller ID and I can call them back after she leaves. She came by to pick up the clothes but she was shook up, you could tell she had things to say, questions to ask but didn't know how to do either. She can tell that I have a life without her, I think that is what is throwing her for a loop, she's still not used to me going out with my friends, doing stuff outside the family, being happy & cheerful. "It just seems so easy for you to move on", "you seem to be handling all of this very well", "how come the kids listen to you more than they listen to me", etc. etc.
I know she can see the changes - it's because the changes are real, nothing to fake, that's the beauty of it.
I will keep doing all of this and not because of her but because it's good for me to be happy, have a life, realize my potential, be a good father and regain my individuality again and just live life the way it was meant to be lived.
The kids have some sort of school play happening this evening, she bought me a ticket, reminded me what time it is starting and she told me she will save me a seat next to her if we don't arrive at the same time and to have a good day at work.
Thanks again for the positive feedback, I'm doing great.
And no... I haven't seen her mp3 player anywhere lately ;-)
she texted me and asked me if she could come by my place and asked me if I would help her paint her toe nails tonight - she has never asked me to do this before - ever.
- I could reject the request and just tell her I have other plans - I could say yes but tell her that if it involves "a$$ wiggling" (her trying to see if I want sex from her, I guess her power trip) that I will have to decline
Honestly, I want to but don't want to come off as being desperate. I could play it cool and do it, it could be a nice bonding experience without any relationship talk and it's a type of physical intimacy without the sex part.
She does have nice feet and I do love how they look after a pedicure.
Rob, Going to a school play is probably a good idea right now - sit by her, enjoy a good time.
Painting toe nails is not a good idea - I've never heard of a woman asking a man to help paint toe nails - I know I've tried to help my D8, and I just do a horrible job, and she knows that.
I would take a "rain check" - have something authentic to do, and if you really feel like it is genuine, then have an alternative ready, but make it something public and light - like going to a coffee shop.
I would also watch closely to how she reacts - if she gets mad and pouts, it probably was a$$ wiggling. If she is nice about it, then maybe she meant it, and she should be OK with doing something else. It sounds to me like she just got bit by the jealous bug!
Rob, Going to a school play is probably a good idea right now - sit by her, enjoy a good time.
Painting toe nails is not a good idea - I've never heard of a woman asking a man to help paint toe nails - I know I've tried to help my D8, and I just do a horrible job, and she knows that.
I would take a "rain check" - have something authentic to do, and if you really feel like it is genuine, then have an alternative ready, but make it something public and light - like going to a coffee shop.
I would also watch closely to how she reacts - if she gets mad and pouts, it probably was a$$ wiggling. If she is nice about it, then maybe she meant it, and she should be OK with doing something else. It sounds to me like she just got bit by the jealous bug!
I just googled it and apparently alot of women out there have asked their spouses/significant other's for help painting their toe nails so it's more common than I would have believed.
Since it would be my first time, I'm sure the intended effect wouldn't be perfection, just affection?
I'm not sure either, this request is new to me and lately she has been doing some pursuing of me.
I say if you want to do it, then do it. If not, don't. Don't worry about what you are doing as much as how you go about it (decisive, warn her you might suck at it and tell her she is not to get upset if you f it up, have fun with it).
Just don't let her put the nail polish on you, and you will be fine lol.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Yeah, ultimately up to you - I just thought it was a pretty drastic jump in attitude, and since you mentioned the sexual conquest stuff, I would wonder!
she texted me and asked me if she could come by my place and asked me if I would help her paint her toe nails tonight - she has never asked me to do this before - ever.
Oh this just keeps getting better by the minute!! It is better than watching a movie....LOL. Well, I am glad that you googled this information b/c I have been M many years and it has never one time crossed my mind to ask my H to paint my toenails! I'm sure he would probable have me committed......somewhere.
You mentioned that I was a fan......oh you better believe it! I wish you could bottle what you have found and sell it to all the LBH's......and LBW's---as far as that goes. It works for both sexes. You have to be sold on yourself before you can sell yourself to somebody else and that is exactly why it is not fake for you. That is what you have accomplished. It is great. I just don't want you to mess up by being overcome by fumes of nail polish....LOL. It does seem frivilous and I would find an excuse or just laugh and say that you will have to decline (or even that you plan to recline....lol). She is so curious about what you are up to that she is about to pop! I loved that part about your cell phone ringing and you handled that so perfectly! I got such a kick out of reading that. She really has her nerve asking who it was on the phone, doesn't she? Oh, but you are learning so fast just how to answer and as I have said to others, if you aren't sure what to say, just smile. Just b/c she asks, you don't have to answer. I think she will start coming by unexpectantly to see if you have female company there. She does seem to be getting desparate for excuses....LOL.
BTW, I also loved how you handled the situation with the kids. Good for you! And the part about how you were keeping up with the kids laundry on your end of it......was priceless. I just wouldn't make it a practice to be doing "all" the laundry just b/c she doesn't do what she is suppose to be doing. Like I've said, you have to almost treat her like a child b/c that is exactly how she is behaving. What you said about her parents told me a lot about why she throws those fits. I would be willing to bet that is how she got what she wanted from them all her life. But to see a grown woman do it is terrible! I'm sorry to say it, but I have seen more than a few that resort to that behavior b/c that is what they always did. You said it....it is very unactractive, not to mention how unladylike it is.
I would not worry at this point of not showing or returning as much attention (and especially any affection) to her as she is giving to you. That is the point. She needs to "work" for you. You are becoming more and more attractive to her. So, don't quit now. Plus, after the cell ringing in perfect time, she wonders if another female out there is after you, so that will make you even more attractive. It is just old human nature......that is how it works.
You are being unavailable to her, and you are being vague about your plans; you are forcing her hand about keeping the kids when she should--and give you time to GAL; you are holding her feet to the fire about the fits; and yet you manage to do this without coming across as an a$$. I love the way it has just rocked her world.....hahahaha. I can see why it would shake her up, but I can almost promise you without a doubt that if you keep doing what is working.......she will be yours (if you decide you still want her). You have changed so much that you may even change your feelings toward her and decide you deserve better. If that happens, and for the sake of the M and the kids--I hope it doesn't and the two of you can get back together, but if it should happen then don't beat yourself to death b/c you certainly have worked hard and I know you are going to continue working as long as there is love in your heart and you can see hope at the end of the rainbow.
I would suggest that when she does come to you wanting to reconcile the M that you have your plan of action ready to put into place....you know, for when you have the "big talk" with her. In other words, know exactly what you want from the M and what you will do and what you expect out of her as a wife and a mother. If she does not agree 100% or if there can't be a compromise about part of it.....then it won't work and she will be right back where she is now. I would also let her know that at the top of that list is no more fit throwing, and that there will be no more breaking up and going back together. B/c some women will do this off and on again and again and you don't want to live like that. They love the "game" and it is craziness.
Okay, well I will tune in for the continuing story tomorrow---same time, same channel.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
