I have requested for my screen name to be changed on a couple of occasions. I have gone to the FAQ link, and requested this, of the moderator. They have not changed this, so far. Should I have just re-registered with a new name?
Well, here is the update on my siutation. I continue the boundary-setting and self-respect exercises. Well, change has come - but not the one that I had expected.
I tried taking back control of my own master bedroom. I tried sleeping there, for the first time in ten years. (Since 1998, I have slept in a guest bedroom in my own home.) I thought this would be a last step, to get back some semblance of a real relationship with my wife.
I went in my own master bedroom, and slept there, over my wife's strident objections. She views that as exclusively her room, and I am generally not permitted to enter there. My wife is physically repulsed by my presence, and patently refuses to sleep in the same bedroom as me.
BAD MOVE.
This has all but finished my marriage. That night, my wife gave me an ultimatum: 1) leave the master bedroom now, and get divorced in 2 years; or 2) spend the night in the master bedroom, and get divorced now. I chose option 2. I thought I could call her bluff, and she would back down. She didn't. Now I am paying the price for this.
Now she is contacting the divorce attorneys. She has advised me to do the same. I live in a no-fault divorce state, so it appears that I will be forced to accept the ruling of the courts. I am contacting my own attorney, but this is just to protect myself, my parental rights, and my assets.
I really do not want to divorce - I have stated this emphatically in the past - but she doesn't seem to care anymore. Nor is she willing to attend any counseling sessions, read any of the marriage books I have purchased, or do anything to save our marriage. She simply wants out.
It seems like I threw away my marriage, for no good reason, whatsoever. I am now sinking into a deep, deep depression. I am now focusing what energies on trying to survive the battle of endurance, that I know is coming.
When this all began, I didn't want to destroy my marriage, because I still had small children. I didn't want to see them grow up in a single-parent household.
-- This refers to her so-called possible lesbian affair you built up in your head, right? Again, excuse me but I am going to say in a quite stentorian voce: "BS!
You did not forgive her. Your lingering resentment is quite clear. STOP being so damne dself righteous. Did you confront her with your discovery? Did you verbalize this so-called "indisputable" evidence?
No. I thought not. You "threwe away" the "evidence." Hence resentment. Hence her feeling an ill wind from you probably.
Mrp,she may have actually felt respect for you had you taken her to task with your so-called indisputable affair evidence.
-Stigmata-
I did confront her about this evidence, about 3 weeks ago. She did not deny that it was in her posession. She claims that it was given to her, but was never used, and doesn't even recall who gave it to her.
Her story just doesn't hold water. I'm sorry, but if someone gave you some gay paraphenelia, would you remember who it was?
I suspect that this person is someone who is close to our family - very close. I also suspect that my wife is trying to protect that person, who is also married.
Yes, I realize now I should have confronted my wife about this 11 years ago. Bad choice. Bad decision. Now I need to live with the consequences.
What you think she thinks is fantasy. You say she is "calculating she is better off single?"
Really? Do you have a pocket "my wife is gay" MRI? Unless she has said this in no uncertain terms I wouldn't recommend you attempt to mind-read my good man.
-Stigmata-
She has actually told me on several occasions, that she thinks she will be better of single. This is why she has worked 2 full-time jobs over the past 5 years. This way, she can be totally financially independant, and won't need me, anyway. These are her exact words, Stigmata. I'm not making this up.
You DID NOT, NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT throw away your marriage. You stuck up for yourself and your wife made a decision, or is still bluffing. Don't you dare blame yourself for taking back a little of your manhood. Nothing is done until it is done. Talking to a lawyer does not mean a marriage is over.
No fault doesn't mean you can't defend yourself in court or that you have to accept anything other than the D. Also, even if she files no fault, there is usually like 6 months that have to pass before it becomes final. YMMV per state.
What is going to be better in 2 years than it is now? Another two years of her squashing our testicals sounds fabulous.
DO NOT give back that master bedroom. She keeps threatening. Answer me this, why hasn't she left already? Why didn't she leave earlier? Threats, if she was so serious, why is she still there.
I re-iterate; you have no wife now, only an abusive, cheating, exploitive house partner. Stand up to her, get a lawyer now. Protect yourself. Get a bulldog attorney. The no sex for all these years and the lesbian stuff will help your cause.
She could still be a wife, perhaps, if you become the strong, attractive man you could be, you are, if you just let him out.
BTW, we warned you that standing up for yourself and/or creating boundries would piss her off monumentally. Eventually, she will respect it, if you reclaim your territory firmly and calmly. You need to be like the dog wisperer, calm and assertive.
Now all that said, what have you done for you? You haven't posted in 3 weeks because you have been at the gym this whole time right? You've been busy with the tailor, fine tuning your new cloths, right? You've been out on your new Harley, that is parked in YOUR garage, right.
Brother I feel so badly for you. I want to give you a big hug...and then take you to a hockey game so we can drink a few beers and start a fist fight in the stands (my treat).
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
I could not have said it better than Down, he hit it right on the head! Your marriage as it existed was a sham and from what you have said, you know it. You had to do something and you made the right decision. Saying the emperor has no clothes was not the easy decision but it was the right decision.
Hang in there.
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
If I were you, I'd simply register under a new name, and then come let us know it's the new, improved you.
DNO and CB have it right --> you're standing up for yourself, and starting to insist upon a REAL marriage, rather than being a live-in maid, babysitter, and ATM machine for your wife. SHE'S the one choosing to make where you sleep in the house a marriage-threatening event, not you. If sleeping in the same bed as her is a deal-breaker for her, then you really don't have a marriage at this point anyway.
Pick up a copy of Michele's Divorce Remedy and start applying it's guidelines ASAP. If you really want to try to save your relationship, then you're going to have to get your wife to see you in a **completely** different light. You've got time, and you're on the right track so far.
KEEP AT IT! DON'T STOP STANDING UP FOR YOURSELF!
As I said before, DO NOT put up with any abusive language or behavior on her part --> walk out of the room/house if it starts to occur. Do not return fire, either: keep the moral high ground. Let HER be the one who rants and raves, NOT you. And yes, easier said than done.
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
I agree with what was said above. Your wife was gone a long time ago and it seemed like she was just stringing you along for some twisted satisfaction. She sounds like a typical bully. And the one thing we tell our kids about bullies is to stand up to them.
If she files...so what? She was going to anyway. Take control of your own life and don't let her pull your strings.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I'm back. Sorry, I wanted to have something to report, before I posted again.
I am still seeing a registered psychotherapist/marriage counselor. He is helping me through many of my issues. I am trying to determine why I have put up with this all these years.
He helped me determine the root cause: I have a pathological fear of intimacy, that was created in childhood, through an extremely poor self-image. I have a complete lack of self-respect, that causes me to engage in one exploitive relationship after another.
This is at the core of my problems. Until I resolve this, I will not experience any real improvements, in any facet of my life - especially in my marriage.
So I am not gong to take any actions to endanger my marriage, until my own personal issues are resolved. Quite frankly, I do not have the confidence or self-esteem to attempt anything like this, at this point in time.
I had a checkup last year, when I had a testosterone test done. This was on the recommendation of my therapist. I received bad news. My testosterone count is extremely low, and my estrogen count is very high. I likely suffer from some sort of pituitary or testicular deficiency. (This is part of the explanation for my weak sex drive, and lack of self-esteem/self-worth/confidence.) So the causes of my problems are not 100% emotional or psychological - some are physical.
I am receiving hormone replacement therapy, from my doctor. I go back in a couple of weeks, to see if there is any improvement.
Just caught up on your situation man. I encourage you to keep posting here, I will add your thread to my watch list.
Good decision to work on you, and just let the R be for now.
So what's the plan?
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
1) Fix my hormonal deficiencies through HRT. That should take a relatively short amount of time. I already feel my sex drive returning.
2) Fix the screwed-up problems in my head. That could take significantly more time. I just hope that time doesn't run out.....and my wife hits the door, before I can produce any substantive change in myself.
