I can't mentally share with anyone else the way we shared. I chose her, and I was rejected by her. And I'm haunted by images of how much fun her life must be while I'm still picking up the pieces.
You will never share what you had with xW, because you share children, the love of your lives. But you will be able to share something else, something new, something deep, with someone else when you are ready.
Quote:
this probably sounds pathetic but I'm just venting on a rainy cold dark night when I have to be alone.
Not pathetic at all. Sometimes, I find myself the loneliest on a crowded room surrounded by people that love me. We are all working through this. Its wonderful that you acknowledge your feelings instead of burying them. I guarantee your xW is burying things deep.
Thanks - I was just whining and feeling sorry for myself. Momentary blip. The PMA and GAL goes to he11 when I get really busy with work and can't get out and do the things I'm used to doing.
Unfortunately, that'll be the case for at least the next 2 months - trying to graduate this spring. But, today is much brighter and I know I can do what I set out to do. It's heartening to see a friend of mine who had sunk into deep depression a few years ago. He became suicidal at one point; it was pretty bad. But now he's totally on top of things and leading a rich, full life, pursuing the things that interest him. It's nice to have examples like that, to know that you didn't have to sink as low and to know how high you can rise.
I promise you bud that you'll be surprised at how quickly these feelings can pass. Just remind yourself that it is temporary and that things could be MUCH, MUCH, worse! When I look back on my posts from here and entries in my journal from as recent as October/November, I am amazed at where I am now. I made it to a GREAT spot all alone, not relationship for a crutch. I can honestly say that I am very happy that I went through all of the crap over the last year because I know that it needed to happen and that it made me a stronger person.
As for imagining the fun she has in her life... Just bide your time brother. All she is doing is putting off "paying the piper", of that I am certain. Find solace in the fact that you are grieving as you should, feeling the pain that you should, and getting it all behind you. You'll be in a better and "funner" place than her soon, and you'll be in the proper "shape" to stay there long term!
Yep, thanks. It IS amazing how fast the feelings fade. And Steve, you're prophetic. Heard through the grapevine today that XW ended relationship #2. I'm sure it's because once the new guy started calling and wanting to do things, she was back in that position that she was with me; she isn't willing to put time or energy into anyone but herself, and moreover, she isn't willing to even entertain the thought that there can be balance. She jettisons anything that might be a drag to her focusing on herself and chalks it up to her "independence." Sad, really. Life is all about finding balance.
In retrospect, I put up with a lot without asking for much in return, but I seldom even got that little bit. Lesson learned. The importance of spotting red flags early on, duly noted. The firm boundary of me asking for what I want and standing up for those needs, now being enforced. No more mr. nice guy.
Lesson learned. The importance of spotting red flags early on, duly noted. The firm boundary of me asking for what I want and standing up for those needs, now being enforced.
WORD!!
But you can still be Mr Nice Guy! That doesn't have to change. Couple the above with Mr Nice Guy and that makes for the ingredients of a great guy who is ready to move on, and is a CATCH!!
Aww, what the he11. Been awhile since a late night ramble.
tonight, what is divorce?
Divorce is, first and foremost, tearing away the preconceptions that society has for you and that you have for yourself. As others have written, it is the death of a dream, the death of the idea that there will be a happy ending. Divorce is the moment when we acknowledge our weaknesses, and decide how far we'll go in forgiving the weaknesses of others.
Divorce is one of those defining moments when we come face to face with ourselves and try to decide what the next step will be - it could be in any direction. There isn't any judgement anymore, no expectations, no hopes, no fears. It simply is what it is and we make of it what we make of it.
Divorce means you've lost a piece of yourself. You're alone and unsure and, quite frankly, scared. This is hardly the time to reinvent, yet that's what the advice books say. Ultimately, you'll get there. Usually without realizing it. The days become weeks, the weeks become months. Routines change, memories fade, new interests grow.
It's all part of the great pageantry of life.
So, in which direction will your step lie?
Me? For the moment I'm sticking close to home. The familiar calms me. But every week finds me more willing to test the waters, try new and different things. If that leads to meeting a new companion, great. But that meeting will be through the context of my interests and not what society expects. No longer what is expected.
Late night posts... mine have usually been either reflective or raucous depending on the point in the timeline!
Originally Posted By: lodo
Divorce means you've lost a piece of yourself. You're alone and unsure and, quite frankly, scared.
Well, yes, but I think it takes some time before you can actually quantify what it is that you lost. Early on, for me, it felt more profound. After some time I've been able to come to the realization that the majority of what I THOUGHT I lost is actually a welcome change, I was truly able to get rid of a weight that was dragging me down and altering the person I knew I was.
Now, I feel like the most important thing that I've lost is the overall quantity of time I spend with my children. However, due to the removal of the bad behavior of my X, I know that I am spending more QUALITY time with my children and I'm able to be a MUCH better parent to them.
Throw in the things I miss about being "married" and some relationships that have subsided do to my not being there anymore. But... new joys are taking the place of those and in essense it is no different than moving towns.
It's all gonna be good Lodo! Trust me! Go ahead and start looking forward to it, even though you might not actually know what it is yet!
