Hi ppenton, I'm sorry to hear about your challenges. I'm new on the boards, but I saw that you had some questions about going dark, and while I don't have the personal experience with it (yet) there is a great forum here that discusses it in a lot of detail. [url] http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=73 [url/] I have no idea if that will work as a link, so perhaps if it doesn't, someone more technical can hook it up for us. Keep us posted!
lemonsnap
Me - 29 H - 29 M - 6 months T - 8 years ILYBNILWY - 1/24/09 Recovery begins 3/1/09
W called me at 3:00pm, I let it go to voice mail, then she texted me at 3:30 asking me to call her. I did at 4:00 and it was about the kids plans for the day/evening. I told her I was going to dinner and out with friends.
Me-44 WAW-42 (ILYBNILWY) S-16 S-14 M-10/17/1992 T23 Met OM 10/10/08; Bomb 12/27/08; Moved in with OM 01/27/09 Me stronger and happier everyday!
W acted normal the whole time and even admitted how well she lied to me, her family and friends so she could leave me.
She should be so proud.
Buddy, the most important thing is control what you can control. It certainly isn't her, so don't stress it. You can control how you choose to handle this. You can be a great dad, there for your kids, strong, confident, courageous, and seemingly on top of things, or you can be a whimpering pile of blubbering flesh that is pining away for his wife and showing your kids a broken man. Don't worry, the fairy tale will end for your wife, and she's no spring chicken. Don't spend time thinking about how you'll be waiting with open arms, just move forward with your life and worry about that if it should ever come to that. You can't control whether that time ever comes or not.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Someone talked about going dark being more like a dimmer switch, rather than an on-off sort of thing. It completely depends on your specific sit. I would certainly have a very difficult time going completely dark, and don't think I've reached that stage yet (hope I don't have to...).
"I told her I was going to dinner and out with friends."
Good for you! Have a great evening and enjoy your time.
lemonsnap
Me - 29 H - 29 M - 6 months T - 8 years ILYBNILWY - 1/24/09 Recovery begins 3/1/09
just tried to catch up on your situation...like all others I'm really sorry that you're here but OTOH I'm pleased to make your acquaintance!
"the most important thing is control what you can control. It certainly isn't her, so don't stress it. You can control how you choose to handle this. You can be a great dad, there for your kids, strong, confident, courageous"
this bit of wisdom is good...and IMO this is a nugget of "really good advice"...
you seem to have got to this stage early..which I think is good...I spent nearly a year pleading, begging and thinking that if I just stayed put things would turn round...and do you know what - it just drove my W further and further away from me...
Recently someone has been posting about Steven Stosny and his book Love without Hurt - Bridgestone I think - if you would care to look her up...also there is a poster here called Smartcookie who posted a now "historic" post on the thought processes of a wife who calls it a day - or in her case, nearly called t a day - it is well worth hunting down!
From your thread you have some good people on board...and I'm sure they're giving you lots of support and advice but ... generally I'm a bit anti of folks here actually "telling" or "suggesting" to folks what you should or shouldn't do... only you know what will or won't work out in your situation...and the other danger is that if you take on a suggestion that isn't "authentic" to you, you'll come unstuck!
Early on in my sitch I tried so many contrary approaches i thught I was losing my mind! And this wasn't helpful to me or my W!!! Who was, justifiably(!) able to confirm in her own mind that i had lost the plot!!!
My only bit of advice to you, is to echo that already given above - which I think - to capture it:- is to be the best person and Dad you can be - which does not mean that you are going to be ridden over but have standards and boundaries, to sort yourself out in whatever way that takes, to state your desires to work things out and then sit tight but with honour and dignity.
ppenton - human relationships are funny funny things - in relationships there are two people - each with different needs and desires...its a wonder we come together with a partner at all!!!
ppenton...step back...where are you now - in terms of yourself...what are you doing for you and your kids? I see you have a couple of sons ... are they ok?
And - also keep posting!!! Its a great way of involving yourself in life when you feel that the world is coming to an end! Which by the way - it isn't - but then hey - that's easy for me to say - but let me tell you - the "bomb" for me was 2 years + a week ago and its our Wedding Anniversary today - Valentines Day!!! 11 years!
My kids are doing ok, I am so glad I have them and we are going closer each day. I have been in contact with their teachers and counselors at each of their schools. Normally, W would handle this but she can’t be bothered right now. Not sure if I mentioned it in this post, however, been cleaning and re-organizing the house to my liking and the W says it looks great. I said “thanks”. Also, finished packing her things as they are in the way and I need more dresser space. I got tired of looking at all her stuff and the painful reminder of how much I love and miss her.
Last night, I went to a Separated/Divorce support group last night at local church and it was awesome, I'm so glad I found it. I have not told W anything about how I am getting through this most difficult time of my life with the exception she knows I'm going to therapy weekly. W does not know or need to know about all the support I'm getting from family/friends/co-workers/neighbors/ church/etc. They (you) are all helping so much!
Tonight going bowling with some friends from high school as none of us wants to celebrate V-Day!
Me-44 WAW-42 (ILYBNILWY) S-16 S-14 M-10/17/1992 T23 Met OM 10/10/08; Bomb 12/27/08; Moved in with OM 01/27/09 Me stronger and happier everyday!
The more I clean the house and pack the rest of W stuff, the more I feel like I'm pushing W out, however, on the other hand I feel more in control of MY house! does anyone think packing up WAW stuff is going too far as I still want to work on M?
Me-44 WAW-42 (ILYBNILWY) S-16 S-14 M-10/17/1992 T23 Met OM 10/10/08; Bomb 12/27/08; Moved in with OM 01/27/09 Me stronger and happier everyday!
W was very surprised to find the rest of her stuff packed up and sitting in the living room. Told her she could take it anytime. W did spend about 90 minutes with S13 this weekend and even less time with S15. Bowling was fun last night and went out afterwards for a bit until kids needed ride home from friends houses. Took S13 to my parents for this afternoon and S15 spent day with friends. I miss W so much and wish she would of told me months ago that she was not happy, then we could of worked it out then. But I'm not a mind reader and am working on myself!
Me-44 WAW-42 (ILYBNILWY) S-16 S-14 M-10/17/1992 T23 Met OM 10/10/08; Bomb 12/27/08; Moved in with OM 01/27/09 Me stronger and happier everyday!
I'm so sorry to read all you are going through. I wish I had something constructive to say. I just wish you the best and I sincerely hope everything works out for you bud.
