I am miserable today. I feel sick to my stomach. Not sure if she is going to see the lawyer today or not. I haven't heard from her since this morning.
I want to call a lawyer but I don't know where to start. I don't just want to open the yellow pages and start calling, but everyone I know hates their divorce lawyer. I can't believe I'm actually to this point. It doesn't even seem real.
I am much worse off emotionally than I was last night. I need to get it together so that I don't get upset when I see her. I started getting upset this morning when talking to my daughter. I started tearing up, so I walked away from her and went into the bathroom. The last thing I want is to upset them. It's just so hard to deal with. Mr. Lost is feeling extra lost today.
Iread your update and sympathize with you. If you haven't consulted a MC or a lawyer you might want to -but expect different info from each. Neither however, will fix your situation or stop your spouse like magic wand. Just take care of yourself and don't give up until it's over. There's always time to change things. But you need to be informed. I wouldn't suggest moving out of the home until things are final. NO matter how hard it is for you - it makes things easier for her and still harder for you. Find others to console you and vent to right now because she can't deal with it. You need to be ok. Focus on taking one day at a time and acceptance. Sounds like you are trying hard - she notices the changes - keep it up if it is real on your part. Regardless of what happens, you two will always be connected and in contact because of the kids. People think they will be happier or better parents in different situations - usually not.
Well, we've been to two marriage councilors in the past. However, the first one was a mess. The second was good, but we did nothing he told us.
See, the problem my wife and I were faced with was this: She was waiting for her feelings to change and I was too afraid that she was going to divorce me to do anything about it. And that is pretty much how we existed for the past two and a half years. I read DB and started trying many of the techniques and come November she wanted to work it out.
Unfortunately, all of the tragedy in the past couple months seems to have undone everything we'd fixed.
When she came to me on the 3rd talking about D, I went out to pick up another copy of DB and found DR instead. Now the problem that I have is that I am kind of stuck as to how to move from here. I would say that I am definitely in "Last Resort" territory, yet LR seems to be aimed towards separation. But I am living there, so the typical DB steps seem more appropriate. While I have no plans to stop doing the DB steps, it seems like she feels that I am doing what I'm doing simply because she's filing. The thing is, it's not like I'm chasing her or trying to be super husband. In fact, just tonight she was saying that she needed me to stop and get coloured pens to address the kids' valentine's day cards for their party tomorrow. I was at my parents writing a journal review due tomorrow (and also because I was feeling a bit fragile today and I didn't want to breakdown now)and I told her that I could pick them up and address the envelopes when I get home. She then texted and asked if I could just finish at home since the kids were asleep and she would just run and do it. I called her back and asked her if this was something that she really wanted to do or if it would be okay for me to do it when I get home. She said it was fine if I did it, but she would just feel better if she knew it was done. I told her that it would get done and that way I didn't have to shut down and have to refocus later. She seemed a little agitated, but I told her I needed to get back to work. So I hung up.
Normally, that would have gone completely differently. In the old days (pre-ILYBNILWY), I would have picked up the pens and left it for her to do. Not because I was lazy, but because I would just assume that since she asked me to get the pens and I had done so, I had fulfilled my obligation. Post-ILYBNILWY I would have dropped what I was doing and either purchased the pens and ran them home or would have come straight home so that she could get out of the house for a bit. But since her concern was not getting out of the house but that I would not remember to address the envelopes, I decided that the best course of action would be to finish what I needed to finish first (if she is going to be single she needs to realize that I wont be at home if she needs to run out at 9 or 10 at night), then purchase the pens, and make darn sure I fill out those envelopes, seal them, and put them in the kids' backpacks.
Has anyone here used the phone coaching. I was considering giving it a try, but my money is tight right now. I wish I had done it a few months ago. Anyway, I think that speaking to someone directly who doesn't know her or I might ease my anxiety and point me in a more fine-tuned direction.
Haven't tried the phone consult - read a few people's posts and they all seem positive about it helping, but I caution you again that nothing will fix things immediately. You can search some of the posts -wish I could remember which ones but I was gazing through a lot of them at the time so it is easy to do. Sounds like you doing a great job! Whether or not it works will tell in time - I hear between the lines that you really want things to turn around. Undoing is a process and requires adjustment the same as getting M. Again, because of the kids, things will be different between you. A D of your M doesn't mean your R doesn't continue - do you think she understands that point? Could you bring it up? HAve you asked her what she needs in the R in order to stay or work on it? Is it reasonable? I am sure you know what she needs. Talking doesn't mean you are needy either - you can still want to work out a R that works for both as parents and individuals. I taught my kids growing up that family is made up of people who help each other achieve their goals as much as possible - sacrificing one for another, making tough choices and setting priorities - doesn't always mean people get their own way. They didn't like my choices when young and don't always agree now - but we all know how to offer adjustments automatically when needed to make each other happy. My kids have gone a long way to be accepting of my H and his problems because of this teaching. I am proud of them but I wasn't popular with them earlier. How does this apply? Just trying to give you some perspective - a bit old fashioned advice but something to wonder about how to apply.
Again, search other postings randomly to see who else used the phone sessions. Happy reading.
I agree with your views of family. And yes, I do want to turn things around. I just am so beside myself because after three dark years things suddenly started to look up. Only two months later they collapsed out of the blue and suddenly I'm consulting with lawyers. Even though I should have been watching for this, it hit me like a ton of bricks out of left field.
Tonight she was still awake when I got home. I sat down and started working on the kids' valentines. She gave me back my cash card (I asked for it back so I could deposit the money into the general bank account.) When she gave it back she said "I don't know what you were planning on spending the money on but you car payment is due next week and I need X amount of dollars for the kids health insurance."
I told her (again) that I was going to put it in the bank account. Her tone seemed a bit harsh, but I let it go.
I know that nothing will change overnight, but I'm desperately trying to figure out how to stop the slide towards divorce. I'm willing to work on it another three years if I have to, but once the divorce is finalized, there's nothing I can do.
I think it always hits us like a ton of bricks at any stage - prepared or unprepared. Have you talked to her about a separation agreement? Suggesting that time apart maybe what she is looking for. Do you have any clue as to why she is doing this now or at all? Has she requested anything change? I know R talk is off the table for DBing but I am asking you what you know from the past three years? Can you put anything together? Another possibility is that you could be separated but living under the same roof. It 's hard but can work - it requires a lot of letting go and cooperation at the same time. Only leave if you have to - if she wants to go you can't stop her -but you can give her freedom with limits. The immediate change is that you deal with the present, accept what is as temporary, but necessary. Breathe when you panic, walk when you are upset or angry, get some sleep and I hope you are eating ok. If you are into trying things - try "visualizations" of different scenarios in your mind using as many details as possible to get comfortable with a change - any change. Sometimes it just makes a change easier to do, and occasionally an answer shows up - it is amazing what our minds can do with information when tested.
Good Morning Mr. Lost, I think you and I are in similiar boats, except it's my husband who wants to bail. You can read my sitch. I'm pretty new here, but I did get the DB Coaching. I paid for three sessions and it was a VERY HARD decision because money is tight for me too. However, I am beyond glad I did it. I've only done one session so far, with Jody and just the one session was worth every penny. She gave me insight that is worth platinum. She gave me homework that has already improved our relationship. We even had a blow out recently that went better because of the homework Jody gave me. Also, she gave me a title of book to read. If I had had this book a year ago, I'm sure my H and I would be someplace romantic this weekend. My advice: Get the DB Coaching. I am more confident now than ever before that my H will come home to me and our son. Before speaking with my DB Coach, H was saying and texting things such as "We're not married. Haven't been in months." "If it weren't for the economy, this would be a done deal by now." "This marriage is over." Even during our last blow out, he NEVER mentioned the D work or our relationship being over. NEVER. NOT ONCE. That alone makes the cost of DB Coaching worth it to me. It's the biggest stride since he left and I attribute it to the insight and advice given to me by my DB Coach and also I do have a therapist right now, and she's been great too in helping with some things. (I do have a temper, unfortunately, but I'm working on it.) Also lately H has started to tell me again (like the good old days) I'm beautiful and sexy and desireable. He says very flirty things to me and I can't help but smile and just compliment him too. Lots of ego boosting going on right now between the two of us. Finally, while we aren't going anywhere for this weekend, we are going to be together with some friends at their house. That's a pretty big stride for us. You can do this. You can fight. If you feel like I do, it's all you can do. If you were really going to war, wouldn't you want as many weapons as possible? DB Coaching is the strongest weapon I've acquired so far in this war to save my marriage. You can do this. Fight.
Thursday afternoon my wife came home and had spoken to the lawyer. She explained to me how everything was going to go. She said that she just needed to go into the office and sign the paperwork.
I panicked. While I did not raise my voice, or cry, or anything like that, I did bring up the separation. I told her that I didn't want her to answer me and asked her to think about it even if she was sure of her answer.
She said that she was done. She couldn't do this anymore.
She did say something interesting though. She said that the only time I "step it up" is when she threatens divorce.
She said that she was not comfortable with the separation because she said that she knew that I would just sit there the entire time thinking we would get back together when we weren't. I told her that I would not lie to her, there would definitely be that hope, but this time it was not about separating to work on the relationship, but separating to work on ourselves for the sake of the children. Regardless of her decision I needed to do that. She got real upset and said "Do you think that I want to hurt you? Do you think that I want my family broken up? Do you think that I would have ever gotten married if I knew that I would get a divorce?"
She started to leave to pick up the kids from school. I told her that I was concerned how the kids would react to this. She said the kids will react the way that we react.
She told me she would think about it and we would talk more tomorrow. She said that she would tell me that she was not comfortable with it at all and left.
She called me about an hour later and was like nothing happened.
Today she has not brought it up. It's 12:13 AM, the kids are spending the night at my parents, so she's had the opportunity. The only thing she has done is mention a few things (car payment, health insurance, etc.) in a yours/mine sense. When she signed the kids up for her health care she said "If I were to put you on there, regardless of the situation...I'm just being honest, it would be like $XXX a month." While I get the cost thing (I can get insurance through another source for cheaper), the "regardless of the situation...I'm just being honest" thing that I'm not sure how to take.
I wrote everything down in a note. I was careful not to be emotional, but to lay everything out in a logical way. I have the note upstairs sealed in an envelope, but I did not give it to her. While I know letters, notes, etc. are a no-no, for some reason I get so flustered in this that my train of thought gets derailed and I don't always make sense. I figured this way I could lay everything out without hesitation. I wanted to give it to her tomorrow (SAT) and suggest we wait until at least Sunday before we discuss it.
Any thoughts?
P.S. Thanks for checking up on me. I really appreciate it.
