Seeing that I needed to get a new thread going (and to make it somewhat easier for those who are going to be at MAL's East Coast Getaway next month), I took the idea from reading my horoscope (Virgo) on the Cainer web site yesterday. It mentioned about a kaleidoscope and how with just a very slight turn, the whole picture changes. Kind of sums up my life.
It was one year ago yesterday when I started posting over in Newcomers. Although I have grown a lot since that time, my R hasn't progressed a whole heck of a lot...
At KAW's urging, I migrated over to Piecing in early October and stayed with this thread until the end of December. Things were going slowly but surely but we did have our additional stresses of being hit with a very bad ice storm (losing power for five days) and finding out that our beloved dog (who W and I adopted back in 1989) had cancer and would pass on soon.
2003 began on a very sad note when our dog passed away quietly in the night on January 3 - got some tears when I saw that post again. A few days later I had my telephone consult with Vernetta who reminded me that it was important for Bob to have a life. A few days after that I got laid off from my job - additional stress placed on the R. Also started to post from home so W has been in the position to snoop on my threads if she so desired. To recap, W installed CyberSitter on all of our computers shortly after finding out about the materials in January of 2002 - nothing to report since then. As I mentioned to C at my last session - I do not look at as being cured but it is firmly in check. As long as I recognize the warning signs and take heed, I won't allow it to happen again.
Also saw at the end of that thread a post from LL saying that she wasn't as strong as I was and was going to give up. LL - I am so glad that you didn't give up and aren't giving up now.
The thread title was prompted by something W said at one of our last joint C sessions. We celebrated (if you want to call it that) our 12th A, adopted a new dog (who has her own issues... ) and saw me officially become one of the unemployed. Maybe I should have titled this thread "Lagging Economic Indicator."
I agree with what KAW, TS and PnT said recently that I do need to nip this area of contention (the DB Getaway Weekend) now. But W again hasn't been home much for us to really talk. When I do receive some new information from MAL concerning the weekend, I'll make sure to let W know so that I'm keeping things in plain view.
Quote: When I do receive some new information from MAL concerning the weekend, I'll make sure to let W know so that I'm keeping things in plain view.
is there still an issue for wife that would prevent you from going on a db weekend alone?
how will your going or not going effect things?
"w still isn't around much to really talk" I have a feeling that one of the main causes of grief in the r is w's lack of availabilty. may I ask...was she always so absent (being at the gym, work, visiting mom) or are some of these escapes a result of something else keeping her from activly participating in the r.
asside from going on a db weekend what other things are you doing just for you?
is there still an issue for wife that would prevent you from going on a db weekend alone? Not in terms of actually making the trip - W made sure that she would be free that weekend before I went ahead and committed to going. I suspect what has her concerned is that I did mention that the group was pro-marriage and that we provide support and understanding to each other because our M's are in crisis. I think that W only expects me to have C as an avenue to talk things through - not other men and women.
how will your going or not going effect things?
I think that W has some issues concerning trust, LL. Given the way that she has been treating me for the past few months, it would be perfectly natural for me to "stray off of the reservation." And regardless of what I say, W will still have those issues rummaging around in her mind. But I don't want to go looking elsewhere - my place is where I am right now.
I have a feeling that one of the main causes of grief in the r is w's lack of availabilty. may I ask...was she always so absent (being at the gym, work, visiting mom) or are some of these escapes a result of something else keeping her from activly participating in the r.
Shortly after the birth of our D nearly nine years ago, W and I agreed that I would go into work early so that I could pick up D from daycare in the afternoon. W is not a morning person at all so she prefers to go into work at a later time. That schedule has worked out pretty well for us in the past. It also meant that W would be pretty tired when she did get home and was not interested in going out. We also made the critical mistake of not carving out regular quality time for just us - W was just so enamoured with D that she wanted her to be in on nearly everything we did. And me being the fool that I am, I went along with W's line of thinking.
As to our sitch today - I do think W schedules things for herself so that she does not have to do things with me (plays and concerts with coworkers, dinner outings and weekends away with the Mom Posse). The thing is that I do encourage W to have a life outside of work since I do know how stressful work is for her and she does put in a lot of hours.
aside from going on a db weekend what other things are you doing just for you?
Well I do have the gym that I visit a couple of times a week to keep fit (still hovering at 130 lbs for over a year) and the German group dance practices during the Spring and Fall. Other hobbies? Well, I am an amateur radio operator so I do get on the air occasionally. If I was working again, I would strongly consider taking up golf again - used to be a pretty decent player but kind of gave that up when D was born.
BTW - my birthday is next Friday so it should be interesting what W gives me - I mean, what the kids and dog give me...
Quote: As to our sitch today - I do think W schedules things for herself so that she does not have to do things with me (plays and concerts with coworkers, dinner outings and weekends away with the Mom Posse). The thing is that I do encourage W to have a life outside of work since I do know how stressful work is for her and she does put in a lot of hours.
is w still against going anywhere with you without the kids as back up?
could you try to include some wind down time for her that includes you?
Quote:
I think that W has some issues concerning trust, LL. Given the way that she has been treating me for the past few months, it would be perfectly natural for me to "stray off of the reservation." And regardless of what I say, W will still have those issues rummaging around in her mind. But I don't want to go looking elsewhere - my place is where I am right now.
well then asside from it being benificial for you personally to go...how do you perceive it effecting your r with w? how do you suppose she will act when you come home from the weekend?
Quote: BTW - my birthday is next Friday so it should be interesting what W gives me - I mean, what the kids and dog give me...
happy almost birthday...I hope the kids and dog treat you great! and who knows maybe w will surprise you too.
is w still against going anywhere with you without the kids as back up?
I would say "Yes."
could you try to include some wind down time for her that includes you?
Since W does work as much as she does, she really does treasure the time that she can spend with the kids. And in all honesty, LL - W is really not a bad person or mother. I just get the sense that W is trapped in a big old cheeseless tunnel and can't figure out that the cheese has moved elsewhere.
well then asside from it being benificial for you personally to go...how do you perceive it effecting your r with w? how do you suppose she will act when you come home from the weekend?
I suppose her reaction would be not any different than it has been - very indifferent on her part. How it would affect the R if I do go? W did say a couple of months ago that since I am not working right now, it would be a perfect opportunity for me to get away for a few days. I don't really want to go down to FL and visit my family right now - I would be too tempted to talk about our R problems. My parents and sisters have a very good R with W and I don't want to jeopardize that - it would be extremely unfair to her, them and me.
I have the strong sense that we will have to talk about it - W's medical plan does not cover our current C so she wants to find another one. C is going to insist on a wrap-up session with us - something that I am going to push for before the DB weekend happens. That way W will have a safe place to air her views - as will I...
Last Friday night W was planning on going out to dinner with the Mom Posse and had arranged for D to go to a swim club to keep the D of Mom #1 company - which would leave me alone with S. No problem with that at all. After I got home with the kids from school and daycare, W calls. Traffic is extremely bad for her to get home, pick up D and go. She asks me if I could take D to the swim club and meet her there. I told her that I would be glad to help her out so I piled the kids into the minivan (aka the Dodge POS) and set out. Traffic in the direction I was going (which was the opposite from what W had to face) was not a problem and I got D there. A few minutes later W pulls up. She thanks me profusely (for her) for doing this - I told her again that I was glad to lend a hand. Had a great evening with S and we had already gotten to bed before W and D got home. Traffic was still bad - it delayed W for over an hour. And she never bothered to call to keep me from worrying...
Saturday W and D went to visit MIL in the nursing home followed by some shopping. We did have a good lunch out before they left - S was a pleasant handful. After W and D got back, I mentioned that our German band group was having a kickoff party the following Saturday and asked if I should send off an RSVP for it. W was very noncommittal about it - acted as if she didn't care one way or the other. Now these people are as much her friends as they are mine - but I get the sense that she now considers that as "Bob's Thing" rather than "Our Thing."
Yesterday morning one of our neighborhood kids (who rides the bus along with D) dropped off an invite to his birthday party in a few weeks - the week after my trip up to Virginia Beach. W was still asleep (we didn't get to bed until after midnight) so I brought it in and put it on the table. When W got up, I told W about the invite. W acted very disappointed about when the party was scheduled since she was planning on taking the kids with her somewhere that weekend. Naturally, this was the first that I had heard about it.
Now before everyone gets the wrong idea - nearly every year W does take the kids somewhere for a weekend and leaves me at home. Normally W and the Mom Posse rent something out at the beach for them and the kids but I guess that the Moms couldn't agree on something for the fall so W is going to do something solo. And that weekend D has Friday off from school as it is a Teacher Workday.
Back to journalling...
We all did go out to see "Pulse" at the local IMAX theater that afternoon followed by some ice cream (for the kids) and lattes (for the grownups). The evening could have been better - our dog chewed up some pieces of a wooden 3D dinosaur puzzle the kids and I were putting together and S was really acting hyper after his bath and ticking both W and me off at him.
While waiting for the bus this morning, W sounded like that the kids would be going to the birthday party after all and postpone the weekend getaway. And I have been busy applying online for a EPA position locally this morning. This afternoon looks busy as well - solo C session followed by grocery (foraging). Also it looks like I will get to go to dance practice this evening - yeah!
Quote: After W and D got back, I mentioned that our German band group was having a kickoff party the following Saturday and asked if I should send off an RSVP for it. W was very noncommittal about it - acted as if she didn't care one way or the other. Now these people are as much her friends as they are mine - but I get the sense that she now considers that as "Bob's Thing" rather than "Our Thing."
if you wish to go then rsvp for yourself...make arraigments either with w or someone else to tend to the kids and go...if w wishes to join you fine..if not...you go do YOUR THING and have a great time!
I should have added some other information here. The hosts for the party are among our closest friends - they have three kids who our kids really like to play with. We have slept over at their house for New Years the past two or three years. And the kids are welcome to the party. So I'm going to RSVP at practice tonight for all four of us. If W decides not to go, I'll take the kids and the three of us will have a great time.
Quote: So I'm going to RSVP at practice tonight for all four of us. If W decides not to go, I'll take the kids and the three of us will have a great time.
Visiting your new thread. Like it a lot -- great recap of your progress.
I love your grounded, positive attitude. It's helped me so many times -- rain or shine, you work on your PMA. It's contagious.
Sounds like a fun summer with the kids. Hope your dog is doing better with the axiety issue. Mine is recovering nicely from her surgery. Thanks for asking.
Gonna start a real job search soon -- I'll probably need that famous patience I've developed as I go down that road. "Keeping positive, like Bob."
Hee hee -- that'd be a cool tatoo. Keep em guessing. Who's Bob?
A few days later I had my telephone consult with Vernetta who reminded me that it was important for Bob to have a life. 
A few days after that I got laid off from my job - additional stress placed on the R. 
) and saw me officially become one of the unemployed. 
After W and D got back, I mentioned that our German band group was having a kickoff party the following Saturday and asked if I should send off an RSVP for it. W was very noncommittal about it - acted as if she didn't care one way or the other. Now these people are as much her friends as they are mine - but I get the sense that she now considers that as "Bob's Thing" rather than "Our Thing."