Which direction do I go?

[Sara]

Beautiful, Ping. You and your wife still communicate very well. Good for you.

[AmyC]

Your family is covered in prayer.

You did very well in that conversation with her.
I wouldn't have too many more of those too soon though.
Try to have some faith - if in nothing but that you're going to be keeping an ear out for Him.
That is all you need to do.
And for the love of all things Holy don't set a time-table.
Don't put God (or yourself or your wife) into that box.

Just FYI: It might be real hard for her to hear you apologize for anything right now.
Even if you owe it to her, it might still be hard for a while.
She's still realizing a lot of things and my bet is she feels a huge amount of guilt for (among other things) not having the knowledge before that there was a way to fight for the marriage.
But she didn't know.
There was a lot I'm sure neither of you knew.
But you're learning now.
And no matter what happens, that's a good thing.

Together or apart, that's a good thing.



Peace,

AmyC

[ernest88]

Chad..

you have the best here on your thread. The advice you're getting is so awesome and i'm so glad you contacted me and came back here..I don't know why I was picked but I feel honored that you called me.

I don't have much to offer you other than to say I'm proud of you.

I know it's been hard and this will not get any easier. Remember the basics...remember the basic principles of all this..

this has never been about saving your M..it's been about saving you all along...I realized that in early December.....

one good thing Ping...you can still feel....and that's a good thing..that's the best of things...with an open heart then good things happen..

I'll say a prayer..

[AmyC]

"What I lack in decorum, I make up for with an absence of tact"

LMAO - I never noticed your sig line, Mike!

I might have to borrow that from time to time.

[faithisbelieving]

Ping1...I never posted to you before and what I have to say MAY anger a lot of people here. Some will say that I am projecting my own sitch onto you.Perhaps, I am...but...I feel I must add an opinion.

First off...for the first time....I will use the word that I hate with a passion here...babystep. This MAY be a babystep.

I saw the movie Fireproof and saw it with my friend FaithfulH. I also got the companion book that goes with it. It IS a powerful movie, but, like all Cinderella stories, we all don't live 'happily ever after.'

First off, NOWHERE did I see that you wife wants to reconcile.

She said she had already hurt me enough and she would hate to see me end relationship with GF and then things not work out for us as that is the last thing she wanted to ever do again was to hurt me.

One of the nastiest things about this bulletin board is that people will see eternal hope. And why not? We all virtually LIVE to help save someone's marriage. In many areas tho', I think we fail to see reality.

Your wife is expressing hurt and pain that she may need to get out in order to heal. Nowhere has she said she wants back in and she TELLS YOU that. Fireproof may simply have shown her how cruel she was to you and she may NOW be seeing that she needs you as a father and a friend vs. a spouse.

Secondly, I see you renewing pursuit. I read 'weak' behavior...apologizing, calling,etc. She even TELLS YOU to stop apologizing. I am not going to pull this 'alpha male' crap, but, if there IS HOPE, I think you are handling your one possible chance, well....well...it could be handled better. You can't go running back with your tail between your legs and suddenly expect to hear , "Honey, I'm home". What does it say when you say, "I'll stop my life and drop my GF for you?". Is that strong? Personally, I would prefer HER to ask YOU if you would 'drop her' if she expressed the desire to work this.

I DO THINK you should be available. I DO THINK you should listen. I DO think that if SHE brings up the opportunity to go for a walk..to talk....etc...you should be available.

I DON'T THINK you should renew old behavior....I love you's, calling, apologzing, etc. Wanna push her away?

FIND A BETTER METHOD.

YES ping...I see 'an opportunity' to be a man for her. I also you as a big setup for another spear in the heart. Reread KerryK's note.

The more complicated issue is the woman you are with. Although she is probably a 'transitional' relationship, it would be a shame for you to throw this away for an angry woman who is finally able to express repressed emotions but have no inner desire to do the work to restore what you had.

STOP.

THINK.

DON'T OVERREACT

Without knowing you....I want you to be happy. In summary, I see...let's just say...a positive opportunity. Don't go back to old ways to win back something that may not exist. Keep open. Don't pursue. Don't wimp out and be a mushy, apologetic, emotional guy. Do be the mature, leading guy that is mature enough to listen to your X and step back and see what's there without being lead over the cliff again.

You know what to do.

Bless you and I pray, like others here, that you will choose your path and find happiness.
FIB

[SteveInTN]

Ian (sofaraway) and FIB are saying the same thing, and I agree strongly with both. Be careful right now!!!! Still praying for y'all!

BTW... I bought and watched the movie Fireproof last night. Very powerful indeed. In the movie they found solid ground before too much damage was done. While it brought a tear to my eye and I loved it, it didn't make me want to get back with my X. I wanted to buy it last weekend when I had the kids, thought it would be a good Christian movie for the collection. Now I'm not so sure I want them to watch it. Perhaps down the road, but I don't want them to get any false hopes right now.

[faithisbelieving]

Great comment SteveinTN. I watched the movie and read the book. It WAS powerful. I..you..WE...did almost everything we should have in the movie and sometimes there is just too much damage....or..even simpler....we were not well matched.

Bottomline..the movie was a powerful tool for us to carry with us and use in future relationships, whether it be with someone better paired for us...or...for some....a WAW that chooses to return and do the work.

I can empathize with ping because..I believe...my STBXW's walls are even higher than his W's anger-wise. We all used the tools we had at the time we were married. We have clarity now and new tools. We have not failed. We learned.

Failure....would be to refuse to make the changes we should and not use those lessons we learned here to make a better life for ourselves and our children.

Stay strong ping. We are praying.
FIB

[25yearsmlc]

Ping,

well, you have some thinking and praying and listening to do. I thought your w's comments about not being ready to reconcile and just wanting to start by saying she "gets it" to some extent, made much more sense, given your lack of contact, than it would make if she had stormed in filled with certainty. SO I thought her comments were good signs of her being realistic and wanting to take it SLOW which is what everyone, no matter what side of the fence they are on, is saying. Take this slow.

I don't see how that can hurt but I sure can see how rushing it would. And like FIB said, the first R's out of the box tend to be transitional ones...but who knows?

All we know is what your heart wants and we can tell what that is. But to protect yourself AND your chance of a recon, if it exists, you have to take it slow. So you see in a way, the advice is consistent in some areas.

No deadlines or timelines for this. If you know in your heart that the only thing stopping you from a recon feeling at your end, is fear of being hurt again, then you have the answer, since fear of being hurt exists in all the R's we'll ever have. But if it's because you have realized things about the M that now concern you or alarm you or you no longer want this woman in your life though she mothered your kids...that's a different story altogether.

We all are rooting for you.
( j )

[ping1]

Thank you all for posting. I really appreciate you taking the time.

Kerry, I went in and ready your story with the link you provided. So much of how things transpired with your sitch seems to be happening with my sitch only being that W is not with OM. W met GF just before Christmas, I could tell she was bothered the next day that I talked to her as she made a comment that went like this, "isn't it something how you end up with an outdoorsy type blond like you have always wanted" I didn't even respond to her when she said this. I didn't think much about it to be honest with you. Just like in your sitch, my kids go home and tell W how much fun they have with GF and I and W told me how much this bothers her, she told me this in tears on the phone about a week or so ago. W has made the comment to me about how mad she is at me for going out and doing things with GF and kids that she always tried to get me to do when we were married. My comment on that was "I told you a long time ago I was going to change and I realized the mistakes I made, you didn't want to hear me and wouldn't believe me and I am determined I will not make those mistakes again rather they be with GF or someone else."

One note I need to add that I don't think I have, my XW is in IC now, I don't know how long she has been going, the only reason I know this is she told me in the past 2 weeks that she doesn't feel her friends, IC or church has helped her as she feels worse off now then she did this whole past 14 months.

My question to you is this, has your W ever started persuing or did she drop it after the D?

[25yearsmlc]

with all due respect to everyone on this whole board, no one's experience is exactly like ours. We yearn to find a guide and a path with arrows but sometimes we let other's experiences do more than they should. All we can do is say what happened in such and such a case but YOU have to seek, and listen to Him...

People DO divorce and remarry happily, and I've seen it done twice in my family. And people do reconcile only to divorce later. There is risk in every choice.

KK, this isn't directed at you, just trying to help Ping stay looking inside for some of this.

HUGS to you Ping and don't forget how many LBSers would give anything to be in your shoes now, hard as that is to recall.

((( j )))