So...where am I now...I feel like I need to share a bit about where I've gotten in terms of my M. For starters, I don't think I want B back at all. This distance, this time apart, the kind of painful honesty I got to through a lot of grief - I find myself realizing things about myself that I hadn't ever noticed before.
I don't blame B for the problems we had - or the degree to which I was shut off from myself over the years that we were together, though I look back and see that our dynamic was not that of a healthy couple - nor was it very helpful for me. I put so much of my time into her and trying take care of her - and fix her - as well as fix things for her - that I don't think I left much time for myself.
She continues to be cold and distant. And we have not had a single conversation of substance since she moved out in November. I'm going to move into a smaller house next month - and when I think of the upheaval of my little family I realize that she's not done anything to slow the destruction of our family - nor has she said or done anything to indicate an interest in reconciliation. That's fine, I understand that - I respect that. I sometimes just wish we could have a conversation of closure - though even something like that would end in her anger...and that's just what I don't want any more of in my life at home - her anger.
I wouldn't say that I'm now a WAS. I had closed the door on our M a while ago, and I'm now finding that I just want to lock it and say we're done. That's where my thoughts are today...
It sounds like you have found out a lot about yourself and that you have really and truly shifted your focus to yourself and what you want for your life.
It is so important that you are able to move forward without blame. If one takes anything negative with one as he moves forward, then I think one is moving forward too quickly - or not really moving forward but rushing ahead, if that makes sense. I do not sense that in your words. You seem to be really free of negative emotions.
As for the conversation of closure, I am just not sure we get to have those. I suppose in some situations they happen, but if we weren't communicating well when the marriage was "working," I am not sure we can manage meaningful communication now that it is not. But, I try not to think of it as unfinished business. For me, I have done my business, I have nothing left to say. If you have something left to hear, I suggest you search within yourself. You may find the answer is already within you.
You are doing such great work making your way through this, showing a lot of strength, courage and dignity.
Hi Veronica, I think you're right about the negatives - and it reminds me of a post I read between SmartCookie and Dudess in which they talked about not leaving with anger.
I'm going to share something now that I feel I just have to talk about. B dropped the bomb and starting talking about divorce on my birthday in May of last year. Since then we had stopped sleeping in the same bed, briefly went to MC, and then slowly deteriorated more and more. By October of last year, her list of reasons for leaving had grown to include fictions about me - fictions about my stealing money from the family and fictions about me as an abusive husband.
I know that B had a rough childhood - and I know that she has many profound and painful issues to heal through - and I hope for her sake (and our son's) that she does.
Before she dropped the bomb, I was very unhappy in our M - and I had often thought about D myself. I know that a lot of that unhappiness stemmed from me and my expectations of her - and that my expectations lead to my feelings of resentment. I also know that in the many years we've been together I've often just doubted that she wanted to be with me...as I've mentioned before, there had been EAs and at least one PA that I know about.
She moved out in November - and we've not had a discussion about anything at all. We've not talked about the nature of our separation - we've not talked about checking in with one another after six months and seeing how we feel...we've not talked about what could be worked on to improve things...rather, any conversation has opened up her anger toward me - and reminded me, over and over, of the unhappiness I used to have at living with someone that slammed cupboards, yelled at my S11, resented me when I was happy, and who seemed, more and more, to dislike the relationship I had with our baby.
When I think about how things were for us before - how I was within that dynamic - I just don't want it for me or my children anymore. I love B - I suppose I always will to some degree - she is a remarkable person - brilliant, imaginative, beautiful, kind - she has many fine qualities that make her into a rare person - though her demons just make her a stranger to me - a stranger that I've lived with for nine years...and someone that I just want to let go of and move on with my life.
These thoughts, what I've written so far, have been with me for a long time - I started writing about such things several weeks ago, and had even reached the point where I didn't want to work on my M at all anymore and wondered if it would be best for me to leave this board...I haven't left the board, obviously, though my thoughts about B haven't changed - in fact, I've grown further apart from her since she has moved out. My distancing from her has nothing to do with her coldness or anger when she come by to pick up S2, nor is it because of her manipulative threats to call the police and claim that I intimidate her - my distance comes from opening my eyes to a lot of what I had given up in order to maintain this M...what I had given up in order to feel loved by her...and I just can't do that anymore.
Now comes the part that might bother some people...I've met someone that I am very fond of. We've not developed a relationship - though we have a friendship that continues to grow - and a way of talking with one another that just amazes and fascinates me. I am taking this very, very slowly - because I know that I have a long way to go before I can be in a new relationship - but her friendship is reminding me about a lot of things I had misplaced in myself...or simply neglected.
I was reading that jealousy button thread - and I thought to respond with the following: Meeting someone, taking interest in another person in order to affect one's W is unfair to everyone involved and it is a distraction from the real work one must do in healing. I've met someone I want to get to know more - but I cannot and will not let it go further until I have reached a point where I know that I am in better control of my healing - until I reach a point that I know I am working, constantly working, on feeling complete and living a fulfilled life that would be complete even if on my own entirely. For me, and I've come to this slowly I suppose, the work done through DBing is to find oneself and to feel complete and honorable in oneself to such an extent that loving someone, caring about someone does not become an attachment. I've mentioned this once before, but I'll say it again here...the idea of "you complete me" is terrible in my view - since it suggests that we need another person for us to feel whole - and that is just not true. We should be complete - and our partners should be complete in themselves - so that we have our own spheres of life - and when we come together, we simply overlap in a shared space - without have to have one sphere subsume another.
The woman I have met knows all about my situation - and we talk about it - and she knows that I have much to work on before I can be involved in a relationship with her. And my interest in her has nothing to do with B. It is, quite simply, an attraction to someone that came to me very unexpectedly - I was not searching or looking for anyone - I was doing the opposite, in fact, I was staying away from anyone that showed any kind of interest in me...so it's still very much a surprise to me.
Thank you for having the courage to share all of these things with us. It is hard enough sometimes to say these things to ourselves, let alone put them out there for consumption. This is a great and supportive place, but it still took courage to talk about your feelings to this extent.
Your posts have been clear for quite a while that you were focusing on you and making your life complete. You have also come across as very clear about your feelings with regard to reconciliation with B.
I know there has been a lot of ballyhoo on the jealousy thread. I hope you'll indulge my thoughts on your thread since my opinion is not welcomed there. There is a very big difference between using a woman as a pawn in the chess game of one's marriage and meeting a woman, organically, and feeling an attraction that a man decides he'd like to explore. The former is the sort of behavior that makes a woman feel like a hunk of meat, no strike that, we are pickier than that about our cuts of meat, like a doll just used to pretty up the LBS and turn the WAS's head. And by the way, it'll make the WAS feel that way, too. The latter is life as it happens to all of us. Surprises happen. Sometines we luck out and get a nice surprise. It does not makes us evil incarnate to accept them.
From what I can tell you have been exceptionally careful in examining your own motives for allowing this woman in. Equally important, it sounds as though you have been extremely candid with this woman.
You may be right, some people here may be bothered by this, but I do not count myself among their number. You are handling yourself with grace and honor. Thank you for sharing this.
I appreciate what you said...since, as I said, I'm still very surprised to find myself having these thoughts/emotions...I didn't expect to have feelings for another person for a long, long time...and this time, should it continue to grow, I will mind my balls...how are you? Do you have a new thread going? How was the trip for your D and H (and you)?
I agree with V. It takes courage to share your private info with us and it does not bother me one bit. I think you are on the right track here, let yourself heal first and takes things slow. You always have done a great job on yourself and your boys. I have no doubt that you will make a right decision. Even the decision may not be quite right down the road, I know you will get busy to make that decision right....!!!
You are doing great, my friend. Keep it up.
NW626
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
These thoughts, what I've written so far, have been with me for a long time - I started writing about such things several weeks ago, and had even reached the point where I didn't want to work on my M at all anymore and wondered if it would be best for me to leave this board...
I'm so glad you are still here. The things you share are helpful to me.
Originally Posted By: healthydad
My distancing from her has nothing to do with her coldness or anger when she come by to pick up S2, nor is it because of her manipulative threats to call the police and claim that I intimidate her - my distance comes from opening my eyes to a lot of what I had given up in order to maintain this M...what I had given up in order to feel loved by her...and I just can't do that anymore.
Thanks for sharing that. I suspect that if I leave, (and I probably will) that I will find that the same will be true for me.
Originally Posted By: healthydad
We should be complete - and our partners should be complete in themselves - so that we have our own spheres of life - and when we come together, we simply overlap in a shared space - without have to have one sphere subsume another.
I agree. I like the symbolism of the Vesica Piscis.
Originally Posted By: healthydad
And my interest in her has nothing to do with B. It is, quite simply, an attraction to someone that came to me very unexpectedly - I was not searching or looking for anyone - I was doing the opposite, in fact, I was staying away from anyone that showed any kind of interest in me...so it's still very much a surprise to me.
Funny how it seems to go that way so often.
I know it's not the right time for you, and who knows what will come of it, but still what a wonderful gift.
NW - I find my PMA getting stronger and more consistent every day - and what's best is that I find myself making even better use of my time with my boys. We play like we've never played before, we laugh in ways I've not laughed in ages...and I feel so thrilled at my life right now...it's not a way I expected to be feeling.
I am moving forward with my life - and doing so with a large measure of patience and caution - and taking time to monitor my emotions and my thoughts. I enjoy the prospect of feeling like a more complete and happy person.
Dudess - Thanks for coming by - I've been thinking about you and wondering how you're doing...and I admit that I've not been very good about visiting other threads of late...I still marvel at the timing of my meeting someone that I'm so fond of. I know it's wise to be cautious and I know that I must not stop or allow myself to interfere with my process of healing. What I've been through has been extremely painful - and I know that some of the wounds I carry with me will take time, not just to heal, but to understand as well.
...the idea of "you complete me" is terrible in my view - since it suggests that we need another person for us to feel whole - and that is just not true. We should be complete - and our partners should be complete in themselves - so that we have our own spheres of life - and when we come together, we simply overlap in a shared space - without have to have one sphere subsume another
Bingo - You are you, I am me. Together we form a strong union.
Amazing what happens once we let our intellect lead instead of emotions.
Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
