I keep feeling like I am losing ground. This thing with W and her megalomanial desire to wrest fatherly roles from me looks to be a losing battle for me. Teacher's and caregivers were already informed by W, and the arrangements are practically set in stone now. Moreover, I am disheartened by the attitude that they should all automatically defer to the mother and join her in disregarding the father's interests. Is it because we all tend to be biased towards the mother and assume the father is at fault? I have done nothing wrong, effectively, and yet I am being treated like a criminal.
So she has done it again, launching her plans to rearrange our children's lives early enough to make any opposition from me too little too late. She has managed to keep me in the dark until the last possible second to prevent me from taking any effective counter-action. She has already solidified her beachhead and entrenched her position across my boundaries. And since this is the third time in less than a year, she has established a precedent that I can be pushed out of any decision making capacity with regards to our sons.
I can play fair and adhere to respectful, honorable treatment of her position, but she will do anything and say anything to get what she thinks she is entitled to, even if that means disregarding her children's father. I abide by the "rules" of engagement, but she has proven she will use that to only gain advantage.
My attorney seems bewildered that W and her L would be so bold as to not only flaunt their disregard for my consideration regarding our S's welfare but that they would even entertain the idea of taking me to court. They must think they can prove such a horrible image of me that it would justify practically any wrongdoing on their part.
And W's L keeps insinuating I am a deadbeat for not agreeing to pay the higher child support they wrongly calculated, as if I am somehow trying to rob my children by merely defending myself from W's avarice. They have even suggested that I should pay spousal support (alimony), in total neglect of the overriding fact that W is guilty of adultery and criminal conversation.
Maybe they're "shooting for the moon" and this is all just standard legal posturing. But even were they to be totally shot down in court, I fear the terrain for co-parenting will have become so scorched and made toxic that it will become nigh impossible and our S's would suffer.
You may have to look into a child guardian, or some other such separate party, to look after the kids' interests. The guardian would have to be paid, and that cost is usually shared by both parties (not sure if you can prove that she pushed you into that measure and have her responsible to pay the costs)...
From her position, I can't imagine her being able to get away with more than 50% of the time and shared agreements for custody and major decisions. You are right; she is the one with the adultery, and the judge will take that under consideration. It doesn't automatically go to the mother's anymore.
I'm sorry...you are right. Do you think she would go to co-parenting "training" with you - again, the 3rd party might be able to hold more sway in that...
I think your W is digging her grave. I was advised by my C and my L that 2 things you have to be careful for as a parent when they are looking to determine custody is allowing free access to the children with visits and calls, etc, and making decisions with the co-parent rather than on your own. I'm thinking she is kind of helping to build a case that you would be better as a primary guardian from the kind of stuff you are saying. What does your L say about that?
Do you think she would go to co-parenting "training" with you - again, the 3rd party might be able to hold more sway in that...
I have tried that before with W, several times. I even arranged for a well-regarded family psychologist almost exactly one year ago, one who offered parenting skills training, and met one-on-one with him in preparation -- but W wants absolutely nothing to do with me in that regard. I should have taken the hint then, especially when she said she cannot bear to even be in the same room with me, let alone doing anything to help bridge the gap between us. When I offered to start these sessions separately, she shot that down too. She said that I could go ahead for just myself, since I was apparently (in her opinion) in need of psychological help, but she herself needed no such help with her parenting skills.
Of course, in retrospect, this was but days before her highly documented rendezvous with OM in a local hotel (I got evidence from a P-I that I had hired) -- so the last thing on her mind was getting along with her spouse when she's lined up a major encounter with her affair partner.
I later offered again, back in May, to try to work some form of middle ground out between us and to get the outside support we need to cooperate for the sake of our children. I shed a few tears when she turned my olive branch down yet again -- and she even responded to that by threatening to call the police if I did not leave then and there. I guess she got angry because her conscious started coming to life at that point. Can't have that, can we? That's when I decided it was best to just drop the rope altogether. There has been no talk from me since that point about trying to salvage this M, even if that might be best for our children. I am now only concerned for my children and their R with me.
Now that our L's are suggesting that W and I seek a parenting coordinator and/or parenting skills training, suddenly she's listening (or giving the appearance she might entertain the idea for once.) If the idea comes from me she will reject it completely out of hand. Otherwise it remains to be seen if she decides to take the suggestion or not.
Unless W's L tells her it is imperative for appearances sake to try to work something out with her H, my W is not very likely in the end to go with any such outside help that involves me. And since her L appears to want to engage in more conflict than what is truly in the best interests of her client, I doubt W's attorney will truly encourage the effort anyway.
I'll hold the offer out there still, but I'm certainly not holding my breath.
I can only surmise that W has built up such a huge facade of lies and self-deception -- of the WAS-type delusional variety that we all have had to endure -- that she has managed to convince her L, her family, friends, neighbors and caregivers for our children of this insane fantasy. If I don't submit to W's terms for unconditional surrender, I am somehow this horrible evil person for standing in the way of her "happiness" -- in fact, in her mind, that makes me into this abusive, psychologically-torturous monster who deserves her continual acts of betrayal, alienation and deceit. All because I don't surrender complete control over to her megalomania.
I can sense the storm clouds of this insanity brewing -- they want to stick it to me in every way possible, to nullify my fatherhood but still bind me monetarily to their decisions regarding my S's lives and well-being. I am still to be obligated to serving as W's meal-ticket and pack animal, but to have no custody and have no say in the matters effecting me or my S's. To remove my ability to parent my children whilst still gouging me for both child support and alimony can only be described as slavery. There is no other word for it.
I am also 100% certain that the evil MIL has put in her two cents -- even to point of being willing to purger herself in testifying against me, if it comes to that. If it goes to trial, I can bank on it. Why a judge would give any credence to the the testimony of such a untrustworthy person with a vested interest monetary at that) in screwing me over, I don't know. But they will lie, cheat and steal -- they have proven that already.
My L has said nothing directly to me about these matters as yet. Until she does I worry that she has "blinked" at the degree of W's resolve.
Sadly, the system is most definitely stacked against fathers like myself. And I guess I should not be surprised. I just have to persist despite this... for the sake of my children.
Silly question at this time, but have you been documenting everything that you have offered and she has declined? You need to fight her right back to have the time you and your boys so rightly deserve.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Silly question at this time, but have you been documenting everything that you have offered and she has declined?
No, not a silly question. I suppose I have this about as documented as I can. I have maintained a journal of sorts. And I can produce email evidence of W's responses.
Originally Posted By: InLikeFlynn
I thought NC was one of those states that punished OM with alienation of affection and penalised cheaters in court?
Yes, these laws are still on the books. NC is one of the few states that still has a law against Alienation of Affection and a law against Criminal Conversation (read: adultery). But I gather that most lawyers refrain from pursuing either of them. I guess the hurdles needed to prove a case are so high and the outcome so indeterminate that they almost never consider them now unless the plaintiff stands to get a huge monetary payoff from the defendant -- so I guess it is now only considered if the offender has wealth to be mined.
And since NC is also a "No-fault" state for D, there is very little advantage in that regard either for pursuing one of these additional charges. It's sad really that modern values have deteriorated to such an extent. These laws were created to help protect the family and to help protect children, by discouraging both infidelity and predatory adulterers. Now they are left unenforced.
In my own case, my L has said that the threat of one of these suits might could be used as merely a bargaining chip should we wind up in court, nothing more. That was some time ago now, almost a year ago when we last mentioned this subject. I can't say I was all that encouraged by my atty's lack of enthusiasm for such a case; I'm even a bit disappointed. I trust she has weighed the odds and is advising me where to better focus my energies. But with W now making moves towards litigation, it may be time for me to remind my L about these additional cards with which we could deal.
I think that's true of a lot of our WAS. If we don't agree to what we want or we bring some reality to the table, we are seen as being horrible. But we all know that's not true.
Your W and my H have threatened legal and custody stuff, but that doesn't mean it will happen. My H was trying for primary custody, but I don't really even think he wants it, or will get it. Lots of bluster, but doesn't mean anything to the judge. In our state at least, most of child custody and everything seems to be all arranged according to formulas, and you will have your fair share of custody basically unless you beat your child and/or really unfit (I've been told).
I think you are focusing too much on your W and MIL, and not on you and your boys. Let your L take care of the legal stuff, and if she's not then get another L! Let God take care of your other worries. I had gotten so busy I hadn't read the bible in a week or 2, and am returning to reading it daily and it brings so much peace to me. Exercise helps me. And I still take ADs and plan to at least through the D and maybe a little after. I put a little time each week or try to for me to have some fun. They just opened a new coffee shop in town, my small town finally has our own overpriced coffee!!! But I'm psyched to go there and visit and bring a book and want to try to do that maybe once a week. Do lots of fun stuff with your kids.
I do think you are kind of in a similar sitch to mine where things will get much better for you in time. (((((NC))))))
I think you are focusing too much on your W and MIL, and not on you and your boys. Let your L take care of the legal stuff, and if she's not then get another L! Let God take care of your other worries.
Thanks, Karen, you're absolutely right. I know better than to let W get me down like this. And I know to give this all over the the Lord and to turn my focus onto my S's. But every now and then I still get distracted by the senseless drama... Even though I think I am getting better it manages to sneak up on me.
Remembering to just be thankful is always going to be a struggle for me, being the natural pessimist that I am, and so I truly appreciate the reminder.
