Ali, if he indeed breaks up with her I think that's exciting news. If you were to get back together she has to go first. So, I can understand the excitement and thrill about that. Also the fact that he says he misses you shows he still feels the connection with you and now realises the grass in not greener. Keep doing what you are doing. Having fun and being detached. It seems to be working. I am happy you sound excited and strong. He would be a fool to miss this last chance with you. xxx K
Well something went wrong today. I feel frustrated and impatient with myself, I am still struggling to do what I need to for college, so at this rate I am either going to fail, or I am going to have to leave. This is NOT like me, but I just dont have the heart for it. It feels like a horrible time in my life that I want to leave behind and am already done with, but I cant.. I have to keep going till May and then I am done.
I looked again at his email Friday. I almost expect him to call now that he is being more friendly, his emails are getting longer, more enthusiastic...but he hasnt phoned me for 6 weeks now.
I drafted an email to send, I wrote something friendly and funny, but it feels wrong somehow. I have seen him only twice in 5 months, so I dont understand how he can tell his BMF just over a week ago that he thinks about me all the time he is with her. Does he not want to see me then, if he misses me? I still miss him, there is still that hole in my life. I feel so frustrated that yes, if he doesnt act soon, he will have missed his chance. Its been so long since I've seen him. I'm not sure how to email him tommorow even.
Let me preface with 'perhaps I see some of me in what you do' so it is not intended to come across as a judgement or condemnation. Just something for you to consider.
I have been following your story for months and seen your moods be VERY affected by whatever you think he may or may not be doing.
I saw your mood go up *dramatically* upon hearing that his R with Helen may be coming to a close. Even though it would seem it is because of sailing and GAL, it coincided with that news. The careful observation and "alinalyzing" of the emails; having input from your Mom, BFF, Cher, etc--the focus seems to not be where it ought to be. And it ought to be squarely on YOU.
It appears to me that you are being pulled back into the low point of the rollercoaster because he hasn't done what you expect- and that is to contact you and actually see you. Your friends are encouraging you to hang on and while I am sure they mean well, it seems to keep you a bit stuck.
If you go back and read your threads, you will notice that when a crumb of hope is tossed your way, your mood goes up dramatically- you attribute it to how you are getting out there and doing things, and maybe you are doing more things because you're feeling more hopeful and want to "show him" all that you are doing...I don't know. It's just a pattern I have noticed--and then he doesn't call, email, whatever and you start to feel bad again.
You have too much to offer to do this to yourself. What if you not only "dropped the oars" in the rowboat of your relationship, but also got out of the boat completely? You don't have to get into another rowboat. You could walk away and bike for awhile. Let you XBF sit in the rowboat by himself; let him row over to the shore and call out to you. If he really misses you as his BMF is saying, you can bike VERY far away and he will still find you when he is ready.
Just my observation in seeing a pattern. ((Ali))
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
My BFF asked me, why do the DBers keep thinking that this stuff you are doing is about him? She thinks its becuase I have had to make such an effort to change, that I was so sick of being a hermit for years, that its coming across all wrong here. She knows what I have been through and how much it affected me for 18 years and how proud I am for conquering my fears and doing things I never would have. Shes proud of me too. I'm now back to my old self and I am grateful to my ex for leaving me for that reason as I was actually resigned to being that way for life. Now I feel set free and finally able to go places and try new things, that I just feel I want to do more and more, because I missed out on so much all those years.
We're between eclipses and everything is shifting, so it sort of not a coincidence. Yes, I am growing and changing and yes, he is also proably realising the grass isnt greener! But my new life is NOT about him, honestly and its NOT done to impress him. Of course, as this is a DB board and we are supposed to GAL I can see it would seem that way, but it isnt, its ABSOLUTELY for me. I cant stress that enough.
I'm really frustrated with myself over how far behind I am at college and really disapointed at myself for 'failing' at this and I am a bit angry at him for leaving me part way into my course and making a difficult thing harder. And I am tired of making an effort to be 'matey' with him. Getting out of that rowing boat sounds like a great idea. Becuase you are right, contact from him does make my mood bob up and down and I cant help getting some expectations whenever he does! I know, I shouldnt hey!
I'm pretty excited about tommorow..Tang Soo Do..I'll be wearing makeup again, lol. My BFF said she will be as disapointed as me if Good Looking Man (GLM) doesnt show up this week.. she cant wait to hear what happens! I cant wait to do some more flirting and groin grabs.. hehehe...
Hi, Ali, Just a quick thought--would you be interested in a little pact to keep each other accountable? I have been thinking about this ever since you started saying you were having trouble getting motivated to complete the work for college.
We all know that having an accountability partner can be very helpful in actually getting things accomplished. You're behind in your college work. I'm severely overdue to get my website finished (which I think will be a major factor in boosting my income out of the red zone) and I have trouble with deadlines regarding my paying work (although I don't have any deadlines pending right now, but will have some soon). We're both frustrated about how we have dropped the ball with our commitments to ourselves and our futures, and feel that sword hanging over the head.
Are you interested in working together to keep each other moving forward and picking up those dropped balls? Perhaps we could post each day what our intention is in that department for the next day (for example, "complete 10 pages of first draft of dissertation," "scan 20 samples for website"), and then the following day, post how well we did with accomplishing that, and posting the next day's intentions. That's just an idea...what do you think?
Yes, for me this qualifies as a quick thought!
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
Hey Dawn and thanks for the encouragement!..Sounds like a good idea, but then if I didnt meet the daily quota, I think I'd wind up feeling more of a failure! How about we just regularly kick each others *rse and keep motivating one another?! You did already, as I managed to go to college all day and do some work, woohoo! Started a new maquette for a sculpture.
So I replied to his email Friday, it was pretty light, my BFF laughed when I read it to her, so it was funny too. I sound detached and busy/happy, perhaps too much, like I have moved on, getting on with things, which I guess is true as I haven't even seen him for 2 months now. Theres that thing that WAS feel they dont want to come back and hurt you all over again, if you seem to have moved on. Unless he ends it with her though, its immaterial anyway. I'm missing him today, because.. its snowing in Cornwall! Such an incongruous thing made me want to phone him up all excited and say "Its snowing!" but I cant hey.
... I have Tang Soo Do tonight! I hope GLM turns up, although, I dont feel as condident as last week for some reason, maybe its cos Venus has moved out of Pisces! I dont feel quite as gorgeous, lol
...spoke to soon, theres 6 inches of snow outside, so I didnt make it to see GLM at the class, ahhh, what a shame! The roads are 25% steep in either direction and oovered in snow, so I cant get out of the village ! Not unless I ride out on the back of a pig or something...
I hoped my ex would break up with Helen by the eclipses in late Jan/Feb.. well so far, last week he expressed his doubts about being with her to BMF and how he thught about me all the time with her and also has been emailing me in a very different tone.. and then there is another eclipse next Monday (effective 4 days either side) in Leo, his sign.. so if he was going to break up with her, I hoped he would around then, or certainly the beginning of their demise. THEN, I spotted that Venus squares Pluto that weekend too! This is huge, as I talked alot before here about the Venus-Pluto cycle he has been in, so that gives more weight to the feeling he may break up with her. He is slow to act though, so we'll see.
It is our 'official' anniversary on 13th Feb.. would have been 10 years.
Pig riding? We say all pigs look alike (when referring to men-sorry guys, just an expression-I dont believe that)...
Good job on the school and sorry about the TSD night... On the news here it says you guys have a snow storm and it looks pretty bad... Us on the other hand are having a very mild winter weather.
Keep walking, if he wants to be by you he will find a way. You know it is very common (and stupid but true) with people to get motivated when the LBS drops the rope, really drops the rope. Dont forget that and stop holding yourself back... xxxx K
thought--would you be interested in a little pact to keep each other accountable? I have been thinking about this ever since you started saying you were having trouble getting motivated to complete the work for college. 
