Was that a speedbump or a milestone?

[sleeper]

I helped rebuild a 360 ci chrysler engine once with my dad. I know what "top dead center" is.

Fasten your seatbelts, everyone (I didn't have that luxury).

After yesterday's marathon spew triggered by DD informing X that kids and I spent afternoon at another lady's house X texted this to me this AM:

"I talked with kids for a long time (they were verbally upset by our fighting) and I understand their hurt and pain and I WILL DO WHATEVER I CAN TO CHANGE MY ATTITUDE."

She called in the PM and we talked for about 45 minutes. She explained why some of the things I have done have hurt her. My 180's were apparently too good as they have only made her more angry because I didn't do them earlier. I guess I should read, "Damn you've improved and I've noticed." She once commented about 3 months post-bomb that she was angry that another woman would get the "good" me. Until lately there was no other "woman" to get me.

We had the longest, most productive, fantastic talk since we have separated. A lot of it focused upon the long term effects of our D (and posible future relationships with others) upon our children.

The kids orchestrated 6 family "group hugs" tonight when I took them back to X.

OM is sick. She has two children and a sick boyfriend to care for as she is beginning treatment for a std which she admitted (for the first time) OM gave her during our convo today.

She very nervous about her finances and she lost her health insurance when she divorced me, now having to pay for everything out of pocket.

I'm not happy she is going through this but it is obvious all that glitters is not gold.

[forward]

Sleeper,

That is great. She has made some steps in your direction. I sure wish that I could say the same.

How do you feel about this?

[sleeper]

You won't believe what she said today...

She called after I got off work and berrated me for not wrapping up some financial stuff I've been working on. These are things I want to do before our financials are completed. I was a little miffed as I don't feel I am remiss at all in the matter but I held my emotions in check. I told her I would take care of the issue today.

I went by to see her about an hour after our convo as she was on my way home and I needed to ask her conformation on what I had arrranged. She was so pleased she said, "That deserves a blow job" (I hope we're all adults here). I was a little surprised but just smiled. We discussed the action for a while longer. I made the comment that it wasn't the time or place for a BJ as I said my goodbys and she smiled.

I kid you not.

[fisherman]

WOW!

Man, I'm speechless....

[forward]

Hmm. Very interesting. But how do you feel about it? Not the BJ, but the, uh, flirting?

And how are you feeling about the person you saw? If you arent' feeling involved yet and you are still interested in W, you may need to put the kibosh on it, just to avoid hurting anyone.

I think you need to haul out the DB book and read the parts on what to do when they start to act interested....

[Andabelle]

I just shot coke out my nose.

[sleeper]

So last night she came by and got kids. I sorta had to hurry her out of here. I carried DD out and discovered OM was waiting in the car outside.

After leaving she texted me several times thanking me for wonderful children, and thanking me for doing things with them, etc. She also mentioned something she plans to do with DD this summer.

Could she be reconnecting with children?

Again?

This Am I was curious for a moment whether OM had spent the night at X's with the kids as I recently discovered by accident he sometimes does . I wasn't curious enough to drive by and find out.

I think that was a good thing.

[sleeper]

Something I learned from Sunday's spewfest.

X returned again and again to the theme of how deeply she was hurt by my dysfunction. She kept saying it was 5 years (at seperation she said 4 but it has grown in her eyes to 5) but I didn't argue the point. She said she was both very deeply hurt and very angry.

This clicked in my mind as I read that anger is a response to fear, pain or disappointment. In her case she may have experienced all three.

This explains why she became angry at my 180's (too little, too late) and any attempt on my part to distance myself or allow her to experience the brunt of natural consquences for her action. In her mind I owe her for about 5 years of pain.

This knowledge has helped me to understand some of the negative dynamics over the past two years.

[forward]

Sooo...you're sounding as if you aren't sure about where you are or not....

[sleeper]

As it's been throughout this entire hell, where I am in all of this doesn't make a bit of difference.

They've had their share of rough spots but X and OM seem to be growing closer and closer regardless of the developing friendship between X and myself. I recently noticed family pics with me in them have been removed from X"s living room. X and OM are attending a church sponsored conference on relationships today.

On a different note, I and ladyfriend attended the opening night of an art exhibition last night. We ran into several mutual friends of X and myself. There were also two of X's employees there. I didn't realize it was going to be such a big event.

This should be interesting.