I don't think it's adolescent to want those things LN. And I understand your feelings...I have felt the same way at times during my M, and I realize now more than ever that I really need those things too. I find that I am pretty easy going and tolerant up to a certain point and then I need some affection and quality time to keep me going. I wouldn't say I have that mushy/google-eyed feeling about my H anymore, but I do like to be with him and have fun together. So do you feel you clearly communicated your feelings to her?
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Yes, it is related to sex, but it's more than that. I told her I need to hear her say she misses me, she wants me, she wants to touch me, she wants me sitting on the couch watching her favorite TV show with her, that she feels something special when she thinks of me.
You know what you want from her (these are nice specific things to ask for)...what kinds of things are you doing for her? In my experience, sometimes feelings follow actions. This is complicated by your separation, but you mention that you have felt the way you want at times during the sep. What circumstances brought those feelings about? What did YOU do? What did she do?
Whoa, hope you can see a little of that forest through all those trees.
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Yes, it is related to sex, but it's more than that. I told her I need to hear her say she misses me, she wants me, she wants to touch me, she wants me sitting on the couch watching her favorite TV show with her, that she feels something special when she thinks of me.
So the recent eye-opener for me was wondering over onto the SSM forum and reading some posts by DanceQueen and Strong&Alive and Ali and some others. Reading those posts made me realize that it IS all about sex. That sexual energy is what physically drives us to discover the other stuff, the intimacy, the sharing, the unspoken communication. It's the smell, the touch, the knowledgeable glance of your lover that opens up those different levels of communication. But it's also the whole attraction thing - the sharing, the talking, the give and take of attracting someone, flirting with them, not giving them everything they want so they come back for more. In other words, you're asking for her to be attracted to you, without actually doing anything to MAKE her attracted to you. You gotta step up and make her want you in order for her to want you.
Sure, you could pretend like you know your spouse and let it all slide into same old same old and expectations and comfort and evenings doing the same thing and watching TV, but how come other couples can spend a lifetime of sharing with each other? If you want to make ANY long-term relationship work, then you need to develop your own relationship skills. If it wasn't meant to be, that'll become obvious. But that whole distance thing makes me think that you haven't really put your heart into this. Is that the case? I mean, one thing I don't understand is that I'd have moved there to be with her. Scary, yes. And high chance of failure, but if you don't risk it, how will you know? My $.02.
It's a he11 of a lot easier being alone, but that doesn't mean you're going to be any more successful at the next R. As I'm discovering. I'd like to think that it doesn't have to be that hard, but when it does become that hard, I also wonder if people aren't tending to way over-think things. I mean, why is it so easier in those initial years when you're still trying to attract someone? Are you not being yourself? Or are you not being yourself when you stop being attractive?
Where in CO are you? I lived down in the SW for many years.
