To the Max!!!!

[BeingMe]

Or do we BOTH already know?

I would guess that if you have to ask the question, then you DO know. Sort this out now because if you don't, it will be years of resentment whether you win him back or not. And, maybe, not resentment, but unnecessary debt that you can circumvent now. If he wants to be immature about finances then too bad, someone has to take care of it and if you're still within a legal marriage then somehow you have to sort it out otherwise it's just as much your burden as his. Whether he gets upset or not. What's that saying? When the wolf come in through the front door, love runs out the back.

Take care, y'all. I truly admire those who keep ranches and farms running despite the cost. We city/town dwellers need to know you're out there.

[Flicka]

I love the greener grass thing. I have been trying so hard to be that... I am only chartreuse.. apparently.

We do know.

[NNP1965]

WCW, I know the finacne talk ia very difficult with your H, but I think at this point it must be done.

What about if you said something like "how can we figure out how to get ourselves out fo this?". Don't let him get away with denying there is a problem. But don't accuse. You are married, so the problem really belongs to the is both of you.

Hugs to you ((((WCW))))

Hey have you heard anything from Opti??? I wish she would let us knwo how she is.

[WCW]

MG, Flicka, NNP, BeingMe, thanks for your thoughts.
Fix, I got the shock of H's debt a while ago. I've known about it and told him I know how much, he denies. The monthly bills laid on the table. That's why he's gone to all paperless so I can't track anything. The cc companies do send letters yet so I know the bad news.

The only thing that H has said is that it's not my problem, he will make his payments. I said this is community property state and his debt is my debt and it affects me and my credit. Right now my FICO score is over 200 points above his, one of his high balance accounts must have me listed on it as it shows on my record as a bad mark.

When H moved here he came with debt. We dug out with a plan in place. It was good for the first 10 years, until he started his own accounts and bill paying when MLC/ow came along.

I won't just pay his bills, but I would gladly assist in forming a plan on how HE could better manage what he does pay to be more effective. H would have to prove responsibility before I would willingly dump money into a cheeseless tunnel. There are a few things that he has changed and I think one of them is not using cc's for everything. Maybe he is forced to that for being over limit.

I feel I have to talk finances before H takes me down with him. He has jeopardized too much already. It surely won't be pleasant as I have reason to believe a lot of his debt has to do with 'another place'. I have asked about that and again he admits nothing.

It all boils down to I know, he knows I know, but he won't let me in and we haven't been able to discuss it. Isn't this role reversal? Isn't it usually the woman who runs up the debt and the man does her bail out?

There is a good note to post, I have a horse lined up for H to train as soon as the weather gives us a break (March?). Not only will that be $$$, it will boost his ego and esteem, and he has to be home to do it.

[WCW]

The financial talk has gone about as well as I expected. H won't spill a word except that he had a plan and was doing fine until I fed the horses too much grain a year ago and he couldn't keep up. So, according to H I am the cause of his debt. H says I fed 300 pounds a week. So if that is even true, I spent $3000 on grain for 6 months. I said show me the receipts and I will pay that. I asked how that put him 6 figures in debt? He won't talk.
But I am not done. I am angry. Very Very Angry.

[NNP1965]

(((WCW))) Act, don't re-act.

[WCW]

Good advice NNP, but I blew that!

I went back for one more round, ended up saying things I shouldn't have. Basically told H he was lucky to still have me.

ps - I haven't heard from Opti.

[Flicka]

Cowgirl, did you ever see that complaint coming? It is laughable and makes me worry about your Cowboy's intellect. To shift the conversation to feed costs was an interesting and odd tactic. He makes himself less credible and a little ridiculous to your loyal fan club when he makes goofy accusations.

Neither you nor I have good access to financial records yet we are both obligated for 'better or worse'. Lately, I am assuming things are slightly better, but not having the facts keeps us off balance. You have more to lose. My house and land are already lost....

Don't get defensive or show too much anger. Just keep insisting on getting things straight. I have turned up the heat {literally! and figurativly} as well...

[BeingMe]

One should perhaps re-focus back to the present, as in, "let's not get bogged down in some feed issue from a year ago, but what is happening now, and how can we get through it." He is avoiding the issue by misplacing blame onto you. He knows if you and he get to closely look at the finances, that he will be the one having to do some explaining. It is starting to sound like he's hanging onto your tail while getting himself out of the muck he's gotten himself into. Maybe there is another place he's set up somewhere. Is there a possibility that you can legally separate yourself from his finances so that you are not responsible for his present/future debt while still maintaining a position of working it out together?

[WCW]

No Flicka, I didn't see that one coming - that he would accuse that I am the cause of his financial problems too. He said he had a plan all worked out until I put him under and he couldn't keep up. Puuhleeeaassee! First off his accusations are wrong, and 2nd off if it WAS true he should have said at that time he was in trouble. I know he was in trouble before last year. At least now I know what he thinks and the grudge and hate he still feels to me.

BeingMe, I tried a version of what you suggest. I said give me receipts and I will pay that, but surprise! he doesn't know. I said let's get the info on interest rates, due dates, and balances to make a plan to pay off. He said 'yea, wouldn't you like to know that' with total sarcasm. Later in the day I also said when he is ready to apologize for placing the blame on me I will accept that and be ready to work on solving this. He just sets his jaw and nods.

I am just so very angry. I have tried and tried to talk to H first. He won't. I will try one more time and tell him that if he wants to stand in the middle of the path to try and block me go ahead but I will work around him then. I have not worked this hard and gotten this far to let him take me down with him.