Meditation on Mediation

[LucasE]

Thanks A,
I went to the therapist's this morning with W. I didn't bring up the text. I didn't even bring up the house. We talked about what to tell the kids and when. We spoke about how bad our communication is. How I don't listen to W. I was able to do it all without too much emotion. Arthur, you are right about moving forward. I'm convinced now that there is an OM and as shocking as that is at least I don't have to wait anymore to find out. I will try to process this new information. I think your word shock is right. It isn't as sad as the rest of it. It also gave me a little inner strength as if I knew some secret.
So is there a way to adjust my actions now that there is an OM? Keep on DBing? Got to call the mediator.
Thanks again, L

[LucasE]

Oh, by the way,

W cracked.

we had a preliminary therapy session proceeding a initial consultation for a mediation. she was stoic and angry.

then she cried all day.

I kid you not.

She never shows me emotion, never. She texts" Hi. I just wanted to let you know I'm a little apart and emotional today after the therapy this morning and T talking about us stepping onto the path and everythings making me cry and I just wanted to let you know because I dont't want to be like that in front of the kids but I'm a little afraid that I'll hug them and cry."

Then I sat with her and listened to her sorrow. It was awesome.

Then she texts "Hi, Thank you for tonight. I feel bad because I feel like I burdened you with my pain as well as your own. I really appreciated you sitting with me and hearing me. I'm not used to letting my guard down with you anymore. I would like to keep seeing T through this process. I feel like she moves us forward but together . She seems like a positive force. Even though I cried all day and drowned my phone. Hmmm. Maybe I should rethink that. Anyways, I actually am looking forward to seeing you play tomorrow. And play loud. Don't give a xxxx about what I think. Be yourself. It's the best you."

Still going forward with the divorce. Freaking weird, but that is how it goes.

I think she needs me to admit that the marriage wasn't perfect and really mean it.

So much that I'd agree that it should end.

I'm gonna divorce my wife to try to get her back.

It might not be too late.

DB give me strength to continue to move forward without my wife, knowing that she may never reconsider.

Good luck all, L

[Arthur]

Nice last post L

I'd say keep doing what your doing. Your doing good. I said above I didn't think she was totally done and to say so much in such a way I agree. Maybe you changed a lot (we all do) to something she didn't really like but you are now showing her that person she fell for in the first place.

hold it together as you are and if you feel like bursting, excuse yourself as it sounds like your W would not have a problem with that and get away for a bit, spill your stuff on here or to a close friends and regain yourself before going back.

GL sir, have a great weekend

[LucasE]

Hi, I need to write some stuff down:

Still on the rollercoaster. W has cooled off on the sudden warming. She is back to the distant co parent. . As one can see from my previous post, she is trying to connect with me. She seems to be a bit spooked by the upcoming mediation session this week. This OM issue is tripping me up though. She has gone to great lengths to cover her tracks. Today W told me that she was helping her sister unpack and found old letters from the 80's where she wrote things like I love you I love you and I miss you I miss you. As if the text from 4 days ago has nothing to do with this old letter discovery. Like it is just a complete coincidence that she is bringing up this story now. Like "look, I've always written to my sister this way." I have never said a thing about the text and yet she is still referring to it. Which is definitely something I would do if I were lying to some child about Santa Clause. Setting up the lie. Giving it historical reference. Do you see what I mean? I would have filed it away but she keeps alluding to it. So...
My theory is that OM is a friend that she is protecting. Someone who needs protection. Someone she is willing to lie for, and she is not usually a liar. Someone who perhaps has a wife and two boys? Because if OM is not who I think he is, then who cares? It would make much more sense to my sitch if she were in love with someone. Why lie about it? She isn't going to fare better in the D if she didn't have an OM. It would be a bitter pill, but no worse than the D. If he isn't him, then what is she protecting? Me? The kids? Her reputation?
So what to do? I haven't wanted to call her on it because I feel it just puts me in the victim position that I'm constantly trying to avoid. I also think it gives me silent strength to know something that she doesn't know I know, and I need strength where ever I can find it. I also would like to prove to her that it doesn't matter to me as I truly believe that it is only a symptom of more important issues in our M. Not to mention the possibility that I am wrong. Maybe she really loves her sister.
Reasons for busting her on it: Perhaps the brutal honesty will shake some sense into her. Perhaps brutal honesty is exactly what our M needs. I could also show her, by handling it well, that it doesn't really matter to me, but then why am I asking? Well, because I couldn't shake the feeling that there was something I was feeling?
I am thinking of saying, "W, was that text really for your sister?" I guess all I am risking is that she might think that I don't trust her, but she is Divorcing me. Why should I trust her? These are exactly questions I should be asking. Right?

That aside, I am trying to focus on her breakdown. The first in a year. She seems to be questioning her decisions. If even only a little. It is a sign that I have been waiting for. Some little proof that all of the DBing has not been in vain. I realize that it could easily be part of the cover up and or mediation preparation.

Good Luck to all of you. L.

[Arthur]

Lucas

It may have been an OM, but then something you've overlooked is it could of been for you then she realised and wanted to get away again given what she said tin the other text. However, it could of been for her sister as she has said but if it doesn't matter and it's a symptom as you say and you can handle the knowing and saying nothing, do it. You lose nothing by knowing.

I have an opinion, but my opinion is clouded by ahwat happened in my own sitch. However, I'm a believer in gaining the evidence before questioning your W so you know for definite.

I think you have got back on the roller coaster because of this text which is understandable. Try and get yourself a bit of space away from the triggers (your W) if you can right now and keep yourself really busy. Your W may even bring up the text at Mediation so you might get the answers there.

GL

[LucasE]

Journaling:

Well it is day 5 of friendly W. She calls, she texts, she cries.

3 days until our first mediation session.

She never cries about us. It is all safe subjects, but three long phone calls that were about 20 minutes each. We talk about the kids, new technologies, my work, her pilates class. I am getting quite a kick out of it. If you got to go, this is the way to go.

The advice from the L was to hold on to my OM accusations. Won't help me to bring it up. L mentioned that she recommends that her clients assume that their S is or shortly will be involved in another serious relationship and further that they assume they also will sooner or later be in another relationship. That makes it easier to envision the solutions.

Arthur you are right to suggest that I get more evidence. I hate snooping so I'm glad to be putting the issue aside for now. (I snooped once, hated it.)

L also suggests I wait until mediation to make my new plans about nesting. Let the mediator help my W and me get there together.

Anyway, whether or not it is tainted with gallons of false hope, I am always happier after a nice conversation with W and today I have gotten much more than my usual serving.

D here I come!

[Arthur]

Lucas

I snooped for a bit in the earlier and stopped after a while as I would find myself doing it when in an ok mood, then finding something and it could of been next to nothing, that would set the old head going again.

By getting evidence, I didn't really say it very well. I mean, ignore it til something is clear and the decide what you do with that information. Innocent until proven guilty and all that.

You sound positive bro. That's the way to be. Accept your getting divorced and work on that basis and anything else is a bonus. At worst, to be able to be polite and friendly with your ex is essential for the kids.

GL

[LucasE]

More Journaling:

Day 6 of friendly W. She calls, she texts, she gets weepy over other people's sitches.

2 days until our first mediation.

Someone tell me what the heck is going on. This does not make sense.

1. Her L or OM or someone told her to be nice during Mediation.
2. She is broken

I love it, but it scares me. It gives me the opportunity to DB like never before, but it is so weird. I can not forget to look forward to being divorced. I think that is why I am experiencing this.

Help...., L

[Arthur]

Dont question why, assume it's just her being nice and wanting this done as nicely as possible. If she should open up more, deal with it then and if she does try and be a little prepared for that outcome.

Basically, assume all is the same and keep doing what your doing, but also expect the unexpected and try and plan for what you do in that situation. If it get's to much if that happens, rather than go OTT, listen, validate, then excuse yourself and say you need some time to take it all in and think things through, but that you appreciate it and you love her very much. It's all just a shock.

Can somebody figure out what I'm trying to say and word better for Lucas ???

GL Sir. Keep taking deep breaths and continue as you are

[LucasE]

Hi

Well, we had the meeting with the best mediator in town. The father of all mediators. Hey, cat! 750 dollars an hour! Only the best, I say. I want this done right the first time. Jeez. Anyhow, he was awesome. He laid it all out. W hated him but she thought we should use him. I said, "NO WAY!" We are not going to start mediation if W is going to start out by hating the mediator. That is not how it works. I don't think she has a handle on how it works. I told her today that I was not interested in nesting after the divorce. She said she wants to do it for two more years. I said lets mediate!

I hope you are all finding some happiness in this life. I'm depressed, but hopeful.

HA!

L