Alright, so H went out of town and I knew he was going. No big deal. But, he left without mentioning it the day he left or saying goodbye. He treated me like I had leprosy in the morning so I took his bait and didn't approach for a hug or even a 'close' goodbye. I waved from across the room and left for work.
I spent all yesterday being angry and upset and squelching the urge to contact him. I had dozens of excuses and any of them would have been acceptable. But they were excuses. I have not made contact. I am still angry about it this morning.
I just had a light bulb moment and realized I am angry at MYSELF but funneling it towards H. Sure, he was a jerk. But I reacted to his being a jerk and mirrored that behavior instead of being who I should have been in that situation. The me who rejects H's being a jerk and not react to him. Duh, DB 101. I know he won't take the lead and I should have been the bigger person.
Ok, I gotta get busy and wake up the snoring dogs to go out for round 2 of chores.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
WCW, it is almost impossible not to mirror their behaviors... It I am disappointed with your Cowboy. It seems safer to be upset with your H than to critcize my own. I really thought he was turning a corner. His pouty style would be funny if it were not so hurtful.
I can understand why you would end up in a rant. It is just too difficult to keep neutral when they are so indifferent and inconsiderate. I try to edit what I would like to say but it does seem that the occasional fire fight brings improvements so I am conflicted about what is best. I am not a big game player, either, so I do believe that clearing the air in a calm straight way, is good.
This weather is depressing and aggravating. It affects the way I look at things. I hope things are well out in the barns at least... Are your new cows staying home? No fence breaking outlaws, I hope. See? The recurring hopefulness theme!
"I just had a light bulb moment and realized I am angry at MYSELF but funneling it towards H. Sure, he was a jerk. But I reacted to his being a jerk and mirrored that behavior instead of being who I should have been in that situation. The me who rejects H's being a jerk and not react to him. Duh, DB 101. I know he won't take the lead and I should have been the bigger person."
Wow WCW does that ever ring some bells. I'm just not in the position right now to do anything about it. Shoulda Woulda Coulda
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
Well WCW, I hope you are doing well. I get worried when you do not post after you have had hurt feelings. I know that this is familiar stuff but lately there is so much grief and exhaustion on the DB board that it is affecting us. Just by reading too much I got caught up in the foreverness of my own disappointment. Things have improved very much for both you and me but we are tired. We easily derail.
I became tearful reading on your friend Jeff's thread in 'Divorced but not done'. His sadness is contagious. His realization that if these situations run on too long they are not usually resolved happily seemed horribly true. Somebody posted and reminded him {and me} that we are in control of our own happiness and peace. Usually, I know that and so do you. Shall we regroup?
This afternoon, I took a risk and when my H called to ask whether I could travel next week, I just gave him the green light to go without me. He may, but surprisingly, he thought he might put the trip off. He speculated about whether he should just come back to WI for the week... there is a lull in the cheese action out west. So, clingy little Flicka feels better for that and got a very good response from the wayward one.
It seems that whenever I just give up and distance myself in a careless way, things work out better. I will be sad to miss a trip to England but I am glad not to feel obliged or resentful because it is so rushed and difficult. I have to think this through better.
Did your Cowboy come home and regroup? Did you make more cookies? Shouldn't you invite your wolf dog in? It is going to be so frickin' cold! I am assuming the cat-boys are already cavorting under and around. Do you have a way to plug in your truck? I used to use a block heater... it was magical. I need one for me, now.
So Cowgirl, I feel lucky that we can catch up in the real world. I do hope that the board would reconsider their policy for contact info. We need to start plans for our second annual DB Rodeo.
Well WCW, I hope you are doing well. I get worried when you do not post after you have had hurt feelings. I know that this is familiar stuff but lately there is so much grief and exhaustion on the DB board that it is affecting us. Just by reading too much I got caught up in the foreverness of my own disappointment. Things have improved very much for both you and me but we are tired. We easily derail.
I became tearful reading on your friend Jeff's thread in 'Divorced but not done'. His sadness is contagious. His realization that if these situations run on too long they are not usually resolved happily seemed horribly true. Somebody posted and reminded him {and me} that we are in control of our own happiness and peace. Usually, I know that and so do you. Shall we regroup?
This afternoon, I took a risk and when my H called to ask whether I could travel next week, I just gave him the green light to go without me. He may, but surprisingly, he thought he might put the trip off. He speculated about whether he should just come back to WI for the week... there is a lull in the cheese action out west. So, clingy little Flicka feels better for that and got a very good response from the wayward one.
It seems that whenever I just give up and distance myself in a careless way, things work out better. I will be sad to miss a trip to England but I am glad not to feel obliged or resentful because it is so rushed and difficult. I have to think this through better.
Did your Cowboy come home and regroup? Did you make more cookies? Shouldn't you invite your wolf dog in? It is going to be so frickin' cold! I am assuming the cat-boys are already cavorting under and around. Do you have a way to plug in your truck? I used to use a block heater... it was magical. I need one for me, now.
So Cowgirl, I feel lucky that we can catch up in the real world. I do hope that the board would reconsider their policy for contact info. We need to start plans for our second annual DB Rodeo.
I am ok Flicka, thanks for checking. I had a real busy weekend and today. I also managed to 'fry' my puter when I moved it to clean some other stuff. Turns out I moved it too close to a heater. duh.
H arrived home fine but late. I had maintained my NC with him. We have had 'family' plans since Christmas for Saturday night. I went without H. Everyone asked where he was, his seat had been prepaid and they would try to find a last minute stand in if he wouldn't make it. I said I didn't know, I hadn't heard from him, he didn't say goodbye, and I knew it was a stupid kids game but I wasn't contacting him. Someone sent H a txt, and he called me. He showed up 3 hours late and schmoozed enough with everyone so they all knew his reasons for being so late. I was surprised he even had agreed to come in the first place as he has refused for the last 5 years. Before the night was over there was a great song playing for slow dance, I teased H and asked if he had enough to drink that he would dance with me. (H doesn't drink) No dance but he was surprised! He was even more surprised when the next dance was Footloose and I told him he could cut loose on that one as I was leaving.
That whole dance convo was all in jest. H has only danced a handful of times with me in our years together, and I think half of that was in our own living room. sigh
You are very right Flicka that we are tired. Each time I get this tired I have to dig deeper just to stay even. How does that ever get me ahead? How do we get to the future and thrive when we are so busy surviving? Keep trodding....
Speak of surviving, I came 20 miles on the Big Road tonight in the snow. There were 5 cars and 2 semis scattered off the road in that 20 miles. The snow is so dry it just swirled everywhere and it was like driving in a blizzard.
Now that I am home it is a good night. A beautiful falling snow, candles gently glowing, warm soft snuggle socks, both dogs curled up close to me. Just one thing missing. sigh again.
You are passing up a trip to England in the name of DBing? you are tough! I was going to suggest that you should go with him but let him rush back home in his style while you continue on with a nice relaxed trip.
As for Jeff, he'd better shape up pretty quick or I really will kick his butt when I drive thru Huntsville in a couple months! Better yet, I'll make him take all 5 of us women out for dinner! or even better than that he'll have to cook for us at HIS house! Shakin' in your boots Jeff?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
It seems that whenever I just give up and distance myself in a careless way, things work out better.
I think the MLC'er is in tune with our feelings. Deep down inside they feed off our need and pain. Then when we stop hurting they poke their head out of a little hole to see what's happened. To much of their surprise they see a different, but confident spouse. So they poke their head out a little more to see what else is new.
My advice is keep them guessing what your going to do next. Fixer
He showed up 3 hours late and schmoozed enough with everyone so they all knew his reasons for being so late. I was surprised he even had agreed to come in the first place as he has refused for the last 5 years.
That's a baby step in the right direction. Sometimes an action as small as this can turn into a big gain. Did you leave before he did?
Hi Fixer, I agree it is another 'baby step' for H that he had planned to come at all. Bad weather was a big factor in how late he was in arriving. I still get hung up on if he is just doing damage control or is he really waking up?
I did announce I was leaving before he did, but he walked out the door at the same time as me. Now that I think about it, I did step out of my comfort zone and had gone over to talk a guy and pay him a compliment. H was on my heels when I left.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
