Was that a speedbump or a milestone?

[sleeper]

She likes her cake.

As from the beginning she wants me not too close (divorced), not too far (not dating anyone), just right. Maybe I'll start calling her Goldilocks.

But seriously, she has some MAJOR control issues. Always has but it has gotten much worse since mlc hit. When things aren't going as she expects she flys off the handle and begins yelling at whomever she holds responsible. Recently she once told me, " _____ did _____ and I really yelled at them." I asked, "Did that help?" No response.

I'm not going to initiate anything like counseling, "Because we have to communicate." She only wanted that because I was being "passive-agressive" and not responding to her calls (I was on a date and she knew it, doh!). I'm going to continue to be less available and do as little as possible for her. I will continue to let her have unlimited access to her kids but will no longer go out of my way to do so. I let her pick them up from school today and take them with her to dinner. She could have had them all night but she dropped them off and commented she was tired and going home to bed.

Some dept stores have "bed in a bag" in the linen dept. I guess "family in a bag" is what she's looking for.

I don't think she forgot kid's stuff on purpose. She is scatter-brained and has done that many times before. She still hasn't gotten everything to me for the week.

Screw it. I'm not going to ask for or go over there to get anything.

[forward]

Sleeper, Prior to you being more dark, you seemed to have good progress. As you know, I think dark can be good. I think you need to give it some more time before you can decide if it is working.

SHE suggested the counseling--that is a major move IMO, even if it's cloaked in a "we need to work on your problems" way. This could be a good thing for your marriage as well. It could be a reality checkup for her and could help her soften towards you. Give it a shot. You do not have anyhting to lose.

[sleeper]

Technically I believe she said, "we should sit down and talk." It was I who decided it wouldn't happen without a counselor present.

IF (and that's a BIG "if" at this point) I wanted her back a lot a lot of things would have to change as far as the way we relate to one another.

For now I plan on having less and less contact with X. She's made this decision very easy with her recent spew. In fact, I'm having a little difficulty balancing lack of contact with downright rudeness on my part while having no difficulty with either one occuring.

I'm now dating a 36 year old, very attractive and talented lady who enjoys my company and doesn't bite chunks out of my @ss.

At this point the ONLY reason I would consider reconcilliation is for the sake of the children.

But as I recall, at bomb X said, "Having children is no reason to stay in a bad marriage."

Heck, we're not even married anymore.

[forward]

Sleeper,
Uh oh, are you still considering yourself "standing?"

Consider suggesting the counseling for your own sanity, and for the kids.

[sleeper]

No, I guess not.

It was something about that second Christmas apart and her traveling to meet OM's parents at Thanksgiving. OM's parents traveled here and stayed with her and OM at her place ("our" house which is in MY name) over Christmas. Yes, they say the holidays are hard.

The funny thing is that me dating has resulted in the first rise out of her as far as I'm concerned in a long time. Almost exactly one year ago she was trying to fix me up with one of her friends for a date. What's up with that?

I saw her today about finalizing financials. She didn't seem well. She is stressed about finances and physically not feeling well. Her body has changed and she is thicker around the middle.

[Bworl]

I believe they must crash, and sometimes crash spectacularly, before they ever fully open their eyes to the falseness of the decisions they have made.

I believe that they eventually do crash hard. I believe that they suffer tremendously as they begin to absorb just what they've done, what kinds of things they have brought in to the lives of those they once pledged their love to.

And I know now, over two years removed from my divorce, that there is no way in hell that I would ever want to be too close when that crash occurs.

Your wife is just now beginning to grasp the implications of the life she has chosen.

Will it lead her to truly examine her heart and realize the falseness of her choices? Who knows. Seems like some do and some don't.

I know it must take incredible honesty with yourself to accept that you could have screwed something up so terribly. And I can see how some would avoid that forever.

But if they won't do the work, they also won't be back.

I do believe that your wife is not done with you Sleeper. At the very least, she is not prepared to be without you. I'm not sure she ever really considered what divorce would mean.

Is that enough to bring her back? I don't know.

I do know that you can't sit around waiting for her to decide.

Peaceful co-parenting is the goal. DB'ing, in terms of trying to restore the marriage, should be taking a back seat. DB'ing, in terms of continuing to sharpen YOUR game and reclaim your life, well that's always a go.


Blessings,

Bill

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Absolutely agree with Bworl.

[forward]

Sigh. Sleeper, I can understand your frustration; we're on the same timeline. I have started to surf dating websites, too.

Unlike your ex, H just never seemed that interested.

I may be ready to have some fun now.

[sleeper]

I went out last night. Had difficulty finding a babysitter but found one. I didn't tell the kids I was going on a "date" but I guess that's what it was.

When I picked up kids from sitter's DD told me X called her while I was gone (DD got a cell for Christmas). X asked her where I went and X commented to DD, "I think he's on a date with someone."

I don't find these kinds of comments by X to kids or her screaming obscenities at me on the phone while they are in the car with her appropriate. I'm taking the position that this too shall pass.

I find it interesting that X called DD on a Friday night and asked where I was. I also find it interesting that I'm no longer concerned or thinking about the last time I spoke with X; how long it's been or whether the contact was positive or negative.

Next weekend when I don't have kids I'm going on a little getaway with friends out of town.

Life is good.

Getting a life is even better.

[deb13]

Sleeper, It sounds as if you have found a good place in life right now. I am happy for you! I'm so glad that you are moving forward in such a positive way and not focusing so much on your ex-wife.

No one knows what the future holds. But, life is short...enjoy it and make the best of it. You deserve some happiness for a change!

deb