Well, my h seems emotionally further away from me. I think he stayed for the holidays and is now getting ready to leave or not - I dont even know.
I need to figure stuff out for me. I am at a crossroads and I dont know which direction to take.
I have to find a full time job. I have been a teaching assistant for 12 years. It is part time and cannot be full time and has no benefits.
I do not have a college degree, though I have some college credits. Going back to school is an option, but it is an expensive and lengthy one and would take me years to get a degree. And I dont even know what I want to be. I thought about teaching, but I do not think it is what I want.
So, I am working on a resume. I am looking into some computer classes. I need to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.
So last night my son was sleeping over his friend's house. I said to h, I could sleep in son's bed, you could sleep in ours so he didnt have to sleep on the couch for a change.
He said, no thanks, thats ok. I said, well, why not and laughed. I said, its not a problem, really, go ahead. He said, oh ok I guess, whatever.
So I said, yeah go ahead, you know, thats just the kind of girl I am. He laughed and slept on the bed.
Sometimes I wonder why I am so nice to someone who is doing such awful things, but as I said, thats just the kind of girl I am I guess.
When he leaves, if he ever does, he will miss me, he will realize what he had, I know this.
I am liking who I am and who I am becoming. I allowed myself to feel inadequate because of him. I allowed myself to think that my easygoing and go with the flow ways were wrong because he is so not easygoing. I allowed myself to think that his way was the right way of doing things.
So, I am embracing me. I am ok. I like being easygoing. I like not getting stressed because everything isnt perfect. I like big, huge bellylaughs. I like being spontaneous.
H is who he is. And thats ok. He is the kind of person who has to have everything done a certain way, have everything in its place at all times, has to have everything planned out and could never, ever just go with the flow.
And I like some of that too, within reason. I like things organized and neat. But, its ok if its not all the time.
So, I allowed h to make me feel that I was not good enough, not up to his standards. But, no more. I like me.
I really like what you said about rediscovering who you are and beginning to like yourself again. I too am slowly coming to understand that. My H has always been the conservative, stay with the plan kind of guy. And that's been good in many ways. He is very successful. But, I have always has a more liberal bohemian type personality. And I have always felt that he saw me (and in many ways our children) as a burden rather than a joy. It's very sad that they will have to really lose something precious before they will realize its value.
Take care!
((()))
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
Hey Peace, thanks for thinking about me. The kindness approach is nothing new, that is how I have been since the beginning of all this because that is the way I am.
Things are the same. He is supposedly moving out next week. I backslid a little by asking for a hug. Now he is distancing himself, oh well. I needed one, so I asked for one from someone I have known over 30 years.
He is away on "business" - ie, the ow. I find now that I am more relaxed when he is not here. He works from home and it is very difficult. So even though he might be with her, I am enjoying my time without him. Not an eggshell in sight.
Hey SC, thanks for much for posting. Yeah, I hear you. I felt like my h looked at me and my son sometimes like a task to be completed. Another job.
But I think that the way I am tempered his controlled, tightly wound ways. Or maybe not. Whatever. I like who I am. I am a good person, with a lot of love to give and a great sense of humor who is up for just about anything. Like is too short to be so serious and anal (oops, did I say that out loud).
So, I guess my asking for a hug and h giving me one and holding me (just asked for a hug _ I know bad DBing) has scared him off. He went away on business and was supposed to be back today and there is no sign of him. My bad.
