I believe "emotional" and "physical" affairs to be poor monikers.
A "physical affair" WILL become emotional over time. That is human nature. However, individuals may become emotionally involved with another but there is no guarantee their R will become physical.
The term "affair" is antiquated and probably should be dropped from the English lexicon.
How about "emotional involvement" and "physical/emotional involvement"? Might those broader terms apply to more circumstances?
From personal experience, X told me in the beginning, "He's NOT my boyfriend," but has since described their R as "dating," and more recently on facebook her __?__ is identified as her "friend."
Of course an independent, sane, third party would be better suited to identify their R.
Last edited by sleeper; 12/24/0803:42 AM.
"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12 Bomb and OM 12/15/06 Separated 01/02/07 Divorced 05/13/08 X married OM(OMH) 08/2009 Married 06/09/13
The only view or outlook we have is OUR own. So his statement is nothing but truth. If YOU don't believe then YOU won't. I think everyone on the board is aware of the chances and it speaks volumes about the type of people who come here. You seem to want to keep hammering the negativity home. I think we get the picture. Why? So you can be "real" or "right?"
What our spouses decide is out of our hands, So I guess all we need to worry about is OUR OWN beliefs, huh. Where would we be as a whole without faith or positivity or someone with the balls enough to take a chance, no matter what the odds? The world would be a whole lot less intresting, wouldn't you agree? I guess there would be no need to call this place Divorce Busting then either. Maybe Divorce..... sh*t I don't know healing, coping, aw hell forget it your spouse left it's already over, just vent here?
The only view or outlook we have is OUR own. So his statement is nothing but truth. If YOU don't believe then YOU won't. I think everyone on the board is aware of the chances and it speaks volumes about the type of people who come here. You seem to want to keep hammering the negativity home. I think we get the picture. Why? So you can be "real" or "right?"
What our spouses decide is out of our hands, So I guess all we need to worry about is OUR OWN beliefs, huh. Where would we be as a whole without faith or positivity or someone with the balls enough to take a chance, no matter what the odds? The world would be a whole lot less intresting, wouldn't you agree? I guess there would be no need to call this place Divorce Busting then either. Maybe Divorce..... sh*t I don't know healing, coping, aw hell forget it your spouse left it's already over, just vent here?
Trapt, I don't think I am being negative here. I'm sorry that I can't come on the board and tell everyone "well, you keep d.b. ing and your spouse will be right back" It doesn't work that way. My definition of a negative person is someone who will look for the bad in every situation. I am not that way. When I say what I do, its mostly for the benefit of new people, who sometimes recieve unrealistic advice from people who are themselves unrealistic. Trapt, if most or many of the marriages on here got repaired, fixed, whatever, I would be the first to tell it. I'm not trying to be right, I am trying to be real though. As I said, there are many new people on here that have no clue what they are getting into and I clearly say that a few get back together, but not many. I'm truly sorry that everyone is here, I really am, but if you are here, you need to learn to live without your spouse. If you do get back with them, fantastic! If not, you have braced yourself for the worst. Anyway, sorry you are here, Merry Christmas and a better next year!
Trapt, one other thing, if your spouse is in an affair she has a 3 in 100 chance of it working out. If she also remarries later to someone else, she has about 35 in 100 chance of it lasting. If your W is over 40, she has about a 70 in 100 chance of being alone as men in that age bracket are seeking younger women. I thought I would share some of my negativity in another light! LOL In other words, if your W divorces you, I like the odds of her ending up alone at the end of the day......
I do agree that the LBS's number one goal is to focus on the improvement of themselves and not focus so much on their crazy spouse. Saving one's self and becoming better is the #1 goal. Saving the marriage has to be secondary.
A PMA goes hand in hand with this. I've been living, learning and moving forward without my wife for quite sometime. I guess the point I'm trying to make is you can take care of yourself and move on, being positive and having faith leaving that door open a crack just in case.
The odds of winning the lottery are ridiculously against you, but look how much money is thrown at that every week. I'm guilty of it. I'm not comparing DBing to gambling by any means, but it does make that 3 in 100 look pretty good.
You can't place a value on marriage and a family. The chance at reconcilliation maybe slim, however we can possibly improve our odds by becoming better, being positive and keeping the faith. There seems to be a common theme to the ones that do make it though. The LBS never truly lost all hope for any great period of time and they let go totally, turning the outcome over to a higher power.
Even if a 1 in 1,000,000 chance if you love your spouse, you have take the chance.
I am FAR from one of those unrealistic people.
You can do everything right in DBing, and your spouse might never come back.
But DBing truely isn't about getting your spouse back, its about bettering yourself and learning how to be in a mature relationship.
Trapt was correct about what I said. If you don't believe you can reconcile, then you won't. That statement put responsibility on the LBS, not the MLCer.
Almost everyone here seems to think they did nothing wrong, that somehow their spouse magically decided to just up and leave, MLC or not....that is almost never the case. The ones who don't work on themselves, don't look into the mirror and see their own faults in a relationship, those are the ones who truely fail DB, those are the ones who are stuck.
BTW isn't it like 78% of all statistics are just made up?
Happy Holidays and I hope you have a Great New Year BH.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I know I made a lot of mistakes in my M. I have fixed some and am working on the rest. Even my H commented that I had "turned [my] whole life around in two months" just preceding and following the bomb. That's when that favorite phrase of the MLCer, "too little, too late," got aired.
Regarding the statistics, I actually have a degree in math, and my favorite quote about it is (I think) from Mark Twain: "There are three kinds of lies: Lies, damned lies, and statistics." Regardless of the odds, we are not living anyone else's life. Whether someone else succeeds or fails in their efforts to restore their M does not affect our own except in lessons learned.
"Do. Do. Or do not. There is no 'try'." -- Yoda
Happy whatever-holidays-you-celebrate to all! And may 2009 be better for each of us!
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
Jack, I agree with what you are saying, don't misunderstand, I am not saying that one should not attempt to reconsile with the WAS/MLCer. I am merely pointing out the tough uphill battle you are facing. If one wishes to face it, all the best! At least you underdtand what you are dealing with. As for the comments made about statistics, guys, you are kidding yourselves if you don't think I am right about what I said. Some stats are B.S. and some are manipulated. When it comes to success rates here, its very slim. I have been here nearly 3 years and I have seen many come and go. I have seen very few get back together. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, its very rare is all.
