Thanks so much for stopping by this morning! I'm at work and it is so quiet and boring today...:)
I will try to stick to the as-if for sure; this has helped me get through many situations and it can work again. Now we will have 2 days with basically nothing open, but I hope I can get H to at least go on a walk or drive with me. I have downloaded shows for us, and bought lots of food and alcohol :). The issue here is that he is still very sensitive about me pressuring him to do things, so this still has to come from him. I did not post about this, but last week I told him that I was open to doing things with him, things that he wanted to do, but the only reason I was not making suggestions was that I didn't want him to feel pressured. He said he knew. I think I may go the route of asking him if there is anything that he would like for us to do. If he wants to sit around and play video games, or watch TV, I am fine with this, as long as he knows that I am willing to do more...
I am trying to look at these 4 days as a positive thing. I will stay smiling, and do what I can do to make things as happy as possible. We'll see if we really are back on track. I hesitate to say this yet. All I know is that things are better than they used to be, and this is a miracle in itself. Of course another ILY would be nice too, so fingers crossed for this too...:)
Happy Christmas to all of you. I truly hope you all have the wonderful holidays that you deserve.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Thank you so much for stopping by. I wish you both the happiest of holidays too.
SingleDad--I do believe there is hope. I am not there yet, but there is hope...:). I will stop by your thread after the holidays. I am trying to regain my sanity a bit around the house, and seeing whether we can have some normalcy again. So I may not be posting much unless something really interesting happens...
Take care of yourselves!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Hi ITH, nice to "meet" you, It's so good to hear that you are making the kind of progress you are. Reading stories like yours helps me to remember to be patient... my wife and I had a disastrous bomb-->separation and it's only just been two months ago. I honestly thought for awhile I would be better off without her, but then came to realize my own contribution to the disaster. I'm always relieved when I read someone else's comeback story... helps me stay hopeful in my own situation. It's funny how important the ILY's can be. I got my first real "ILY" (not an ILY2, which is different, obviously) in forever yesterday (on voicemail, but hey, that's great, that means I can just listen to it again!). That was one of the things that had frustrated me, was that I was always the ILYer and never the ILY'd. Funny how such a small change can bring so much happiness!
Anyway, not trying to hijack, just wanted to say Hi and start getting to know some of the folks on this forum. I have a feeling there is a long road ahead of me, and it helps to see others further along.
Merry Christmas!
Me: 33 Her: 39 M: 8 T: 10 K: D15, S4 Separated 10/30/08. My current thread
Thanks so much for stopping by! I will look at your thread and post more after the holidays. It's nice to meet you too. You're not hijacking at all!
I haven't made it yet though. I just can't emphasize that enough. We are living together again yes, but H isn't wearing his ring, and says that he is still seeing where things are at, still isn't happy etc. It's progression, but it's still limbo land...Yes the ILY meant a lot to me. I hope for another one sometime before January 1st. That's my goal anyway! Congratulations on your ILY! A voicemail ILY is great actually! It's recorded as you said.
Well you've probably read the saying by now about 1 month of work for every year of M, or being together. I am not entirely sure how true this is, but it does seem to be a decent rule of thumb. I got my bomb at the beginning of July, and now we are at the end of December, so about 6 months, and we've been together 7 years. I first became a little more hopeful about 1 month ago. This process does take time, more than you think it will or you want it to. However I don't think this means you have to be separated that whole time, there is the rebuilding and moving back closer to each other again that I think falls into this category of things taking time. All I can say is take every opportunity that you get to show your W that things could be better and different. She won't believe you at first, but she is likely to start lowering her guard after seeing some consistency. Of course I don't know the details of your sitch, but I will read more after the holidays and check in on you then.
Merry Christmas to you and I hope you are doing well today,
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Just haven't posted in a couple of days, so thought I'd do some journaling. Not a lot is going on here. Things are sort of at a standstill at the moment. There haven't been any recent major breakthroughs or blowouts. Good thing is that I have now been back home for 7 weeks today, and there have not been any fights whatsoever. We used to fight like crazy. In fact it was the rare weekend where there wouldn't be yelling and tears. That is definitely not the case anymore. From my side if H starts to get irritable, I validate whenever possible. I can only control my own actions, so I think very carefully before responding to things, rather than just saying the first thing that pops into my mind.
I have let H take the lead on everything possible. Previously he said I was controlling, and I accept that I was. Of course, to be fair, even when I did try to get him to make suggestions for us to do things together he usually didn't have any. I like planning, so he'd go along with things, and I had thought this was more or less OK. Now, we have a few trips planned. I am still booking the hotels, flights etc. for most of them as H has been busy with work and school. However before I book anything, I ask for his input, and whether he has any other suggestions. This seems to work fine. We have a trip to Brazil coming up in March. This is getting booked through his work, and he is taking the lead on this. His travel agent found tickets that cost more than the amount we've been allocated for this trip, and this was extremely frustrating to me as I found tickets that cost 300E less, and would have left us with money for hotels. Well I just asked whether we could still book through his company if we had to pay extra and mentioned that that was why I had tried to find cheaper flights. He wants to just book the more expensive flights, so I've kept my mouth shut.
Things are nice between us in terms of the dynamic. We chat about things, can be in the same room together for hours etc., and it feels comfortable. However, there are very few real conversations, and I know one of H's issues had been the lack of intimacy (emotional). I don't feel that I am in the place to address this though, as he still seems to want to keep some distance. So I am hoping the upcoming trips will help us get through that barrier. I do ask him about work and school, and other serious non-R topics when I can. In terms of future talk, there isn't really any direct future talk like planning for where we will move. H does make comments around things like the "next one we buy", or the next time he sees my mom etc. that indicate he is thinking I will be in his life in the future, but this is not explicitly stated. ML happens sometimes, and has happened twice in the last 4 days, which is a good thing. The last time we had a real "conversation" about things was by email, when he said that he wanted time to adjust to things and that he would go to MC etc. after the New Year. I feel like New Years Eve will be some kind of marker for us both. At the moment it feels like we are really building up to something, but that I need to let it happen without pushing. I guess that I am hoping that this upcoming trip will let us see the relationship in another light. We will be around others, and not stuck in our daily routine. I think we are missing fun and lightness between us, and hoping this trip will help in that way.
So apologies for the novel. It is just interesting for me to step back a bit and take stock of the situation. We've come so far, but now we're sort of at that scary point where we are going to have to start doing real work together to move forward. I hope H will be up for it.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
We've been sort of "stuck" in the house together for the last 4 days due to holidays here. Most things have been closed, and most people with family. Things have still been pretty good though, no bickering or anything. We've watched several movies together over the past couple of days, and I went to town on my own for a few hours yesterday, and H went to the gym for a few hours today.
I've done lots of cooking, which I love to do, and H has expressed his appreciation for the cooking, which I love to hear. He's been busy over the last 2 days working on an assignment that he needs to turn in before we go on holiday, so he's a bit stressed at the moment. My 180 here is to leave him alone while he works on the paper, and offer encouragement and validation when he tells me how far along he is or how much he hates working on it.
We've joked around a lot over the past few days, and H has started singing little songs to me again. They don't yet talk about him loving me, but they are cute nonetheless.
Just a few more nights and we'll be leaving for holiday. I am SO excited about this. I wish I had the next 2 days off like most of the rest of my company, but I'd used all my vacation days...
Anyway hope everyone is enjoying the holiday period!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Glad that you've had a good holiday. It does sound like things are settling into a good pattern. I am excited for your holiday and hope that it is a great getaway for the two of you... Perhaps away from your home you will have the chance to put stressful things aside and just have fun together.
Although my turnaround was quick, it sounds like yours is well on its way- just taking a slower course, but heading forward non-the less. At least you are living with your H. I think my H will keep his apt until he's done with school- but I am okay with that as long as there is love and a future in our marriage.
Keep up your hard work!
Me-36 H-30 T-7yr, M-3yr DivorceBusting Saved my marriage! sep 6-08 to 12-08. Together again, things are good!
Thanks for your message. I too think that time away from our routine and home will help us to actually have some fun. Plus, we will be around others, and I think this will be really healthy for us.
Yes your turnaround was one of those rare things that I think we all long for, but rarely happen, i.e. the overnight change of heart. I think it's amazing, but I was definitely not expecting my sitch to be the same. I am thrilled to be living with my H, so even though this brings along with it the need to constantly be subjected to fluctuating emotions, I feel that it also gives me constant opportunities to demonstrate my 180s. Slow and steady in the case of my own M I think is the only way this has a chance to work. I am still delighted by each small thing that H does that shows his love. Maybe he won't be saying ILY on a regular basis for ages to come, but he says thank you, laughs at the things that I say, and has involved me in many parts of his life again that had been off limits. Sometimes he even asks me what is wrong, and he brought me a gift from his business trip, something he hadn't done in a very, very long time.
Sometimes I get frustrated, and sometimes I lose sleep over things. I can't say that I am completely calm and at peace with everything, but I am a LOT happier than I was before, and have a lot more hope than I had before. I hope that it won't be too long before H and I can have a positive conversation about this, but I am going to see what happens on this upcoming trip before I even consider being the one to start this.
I am definitely going to keep up the hard work :).
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
