Merry belated Christmas to you too!! I hope your holiday was great. Mine was actually pretty good. I spent it with my wife and daughter. We had a nice time as a family, but it is still so hard (as you can imagine). Don't be so proud of my stands, they never seem to take full hold. I really do still love her and I just can't seem to totally let go, no matter what I say. The problem is, of course, she's not loving me back, yet she still hasn't filed for divorce. I just can't seem to figure it out. Hopefully the new year will bring me clarity. We're both off work for the next week, so I may a bit missing in action until the 5th. Have a very happy New Year and I hope it is much better than this year has been! God bless you!
Reading your story felt like my own. My H is having an unconfirmed EA as well. I know how hard it can be to live in the same house with the person you love and know that they are not feeling the love that you are.
I am trying most to follow the "act as if" principle. I am acting as if everything is ok and that everything will work out. Remember that the OM is helping your W feel good things about herself. Try working on being her friend first and being the person that she fell in love with so many years ago.
I hope that your time together will be good. Just act as if you are enjoying your life and hopefully you will make it true.
K, I really am trying but it is so hard. Most of the time I can fake a smile and pretend to be happy, but I'm honestly dying inside. She spent the past couple of nights in the house w/my daughter and I (on the sofa bed), and it's just so difficult. I was actually thinking of trying to initiate physical contact w/her in a take charge kind of way, but then I thought that could really back fire on me. I just don't know what to do. I also now think she may begin dating even though we're not even divorced, though functionally we are. Everything is just killing me inside. My life has become such a roller coaster--I have these moments of great strength and then I feel like crap all over again. She told me the other night that one thing that would make her consider our relationship again is if she felt that I could be truly happy without her. She said that she feels like she's my life and that I'm to dependent on her and that makes her feel suffocated. I don't really get that, because since she left I have continued on with my daily life, yes it is hard and yes I do feel very sad and yes I do cry about it, but isn't that normal? Am I just supposed to say oh well and move right on? I think I could do that if I didn't really love her, but since I do love her that is very difficult. I know this has to do with GALing, but I guess I just haven't figured that part out yet. By the way, I will read your thread tonight and hopefully I'll be inspired.
She told me the other night that one thing that would make her consider our relationship again is if she felt that I could be truly happy without her. She said that she feels like she's my life and that I'm to dependent on her and that makes her feel suffocated. CR
That's huge. I mean my H has never looked back I don't think. I think you should work on GALing and realizing that you can be happy without her. Happiness is from inside, you really can't get that from someone else. And obviously it makes your W pressured to feel like it's her job to make you happy. I would recommend some serious GALing. Find out what makes you happy and do it. PM has a great link she posted recently that has some great advice in it also. You can do this!!!
Am I just supposed to say oh well and move right on? I think I could do that if I didn't really love her, but since I do love her that is very difficult.
I loved my H enough to let him go. I finally realized it would be more selfish of me to try and keep someone with me who didn't love me --even though I knew he did, and would someday regret losing someone he had such a long history with and who was extremely loving, accepting and supportive.
I knew it would only backfire for me to selfishly try to hold onto him, or try to talk him into staying if he all he wanted to do was leave. Quite honestly it was one of the most powerful and "freeing" lessons I learned. And the eventual acceptance and realization that I didn't want him back unless he was 100% certain he wanted to be with me. He had spent waaaay too many years yo-yoing. And I had spent waaaay too many years trying to convince him to stay. I felt is was unfair to the kids. And I finally realized I wanted to be married to someone who really wanted to be married to me.
So.... my point is that detaching, letting go, and moving on doesn't mean you don't love the person. In some ways it means you love them more.
But why the h@ll are you on the couch?!!!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I know I can, but I don't know how to do it w/out changing or compromising who I am. For example, she tells me to go out after work and have drinks w/my co-workers. I like coming home to be with my family after work. My D4 is in day care all day long and after work I want to come home and see her. I also want to come home and see my W. I also don't really want to hang out with a bunch of my co-workers who don't share my beliefs and views. I'm a family man and that's how I like being. Any suggestions on how to GAL without changing your core values?
Running, I also get what you mean. I definitely don't want her with me out of guilt, but I also believe that if she sticks to our marriage out of submission to God He will show his ways and her heart would follow and our marriage would be more fulfilling than she could ever imagine. She was once very in love with me, and I really want that back, though. I feel like I came to the point of letting go last Saturday, but my heart still aches for her. It's just hard, as you all know. I willing to put in the time, but not if it's all for nothing. I don't want to waste my life loving someone who won't love me back. I know that I deserve to be loved. My desire is that my W is the one who loves me...but who knows if that will be her desire again.
I know I can, but I don't know how to do it w/out changing or compromising who I am. For example, she tells me to go out after work and have drinks w/my co-workers. I like coming home to be with my family after work. My D4 is in day care all day long and after work I want to come home and see her. I also want to come home and see my W. I also don't really want to hang out with a bunch of my co-workers who don't share my beliefs and views. I'm a family man and that's how I like being. Any suggestions on how to GAL without changing your core values?
How about doing some volunteer work? Coaching some kids?
Also, things you can go do WITH your kids?
You shouldn't have to compromise your beliefs, so DON'T. But there ARE things you can go out and do, that don't involve sitting around the house pining away for her. Puppy
I'm a family man and that's how I like being. Any suggestions on how to GAL without changing your core values?
Sure, I GAL but have kind of the same core values as you. I don't go out drinking either. The family and I are involved with the local theatre group and have been in plays and S15 who doesn't want to be in one does volunteer work. The kids and I do a tae kwondo class two nights a week. I really recommend that as a fun activity, but really whatever you and your family enjoy doing is good. We run in the park with our dog (well I slow jog really).
I do volunteer work also for my church as well. Church activities are great for the whole family. I also do a Bible study one night a week just for myself. I do think you should do an activity or even 2 each week that are just for you. It's good to just sometimes spend time on yourself. I've found that out this past year. You can't just live for your family. I mean at some point they will have their own lives, and you should also put some time into yourself. I've found myself to be a better mom putting an hour or 2 into time for myself.
