I believe my STBX is in the middle of a MLC. I am not sure as it seems his behavior falls into just regular db'ing. Anyways, I won't post my sitch here, due to lack of time, but had a question I wanted to pose to everyone. Do you think MLC'ers all have OW/OM? My stbxh claims he doesn't and I do believe him as he really is not the type to do this sort of thing. Maybe I am being naive. I am sure everyone is capable, as everyone is human. He does have 1 good friend that I am sure he leans on pretty heavily and I think this person sort of fills the role of the other person. Is having an OW/OM necessary in order for a sitch to be "classified" as a MLC? I am just curious what everyone thinks about this....
Me:42 H:47 D:17 S:14 D:13 D:13 M: 18 years H filed 6/16/08 (I considered separation 5/08). D final 11/09. EH MLC/alcoholic. Not sure what the future holds..
Hi Scrappy, Having an Om/OW is not necessary to be classified as MLC, however; in most cases an ow/om is involved. My H told me there was no one else and he wasn't the "type" to have an A and like you, I believed him...but one month after our separation I found out there was an OW from his work. An ow/om serves as a bandaid to fix something, fill a void...in my case H's OW made him feel "young" and she was a party girl so he was out sowing his oats while I was left with two young children. This does not have to be the end all be all, I see your H filed...well so did mine, we went to court and everything and then H changed his mind...my H did come home about 1 1/2 years ago and our M is better than before.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Hi S I also agree most of them have OW sometimes not right away..MY H started acting weird while still at home at that time I too was sure there was no OW after he moved out I felt there was probably ow but he aleways said no he visited alot and always lied about his living arrangements and never brought her to meet kids I just found out hw is living with her since 10/07 he moved out 6/07 bomb 2/07 I am almost certian she was in the picture at bomb or soon after although he might have waited to have physical Affair till after he moved so I agree they usually have someone but will deny it peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I think MLC doesn't become MLC unless and until there is a Crisis, by definition. What does the crisis entail? - leaving a family - engaging in fantasies of independence - like becoming a teenager again - trying on a new identity - new clothes, hair, tattoos, piercings, cosmetic surgery, new boobs, new manner of speaking, new interests - shedding or shirking responsibilities - running up credit card debt - walking away from commitments - mortgages, jobs, spouses
Just my armchair analysis, but it feels like many of these things are sort of fuzzy, or we deal with them differently. Like the credit card debt thing - in many cases a spouse might look at that and say, "well, we've made a mistake here, let's figure out how to get back on track." In other words, it is viewed as a mistake but not a sign of MLC.
The "new identity" is viewed sympathetically, too. I mean, who wouldn't like a makeover once in a while? a new wardrobe can really refresh you.
But it's the affair that is taken as the irrefutable sign by the casual observer.
I agree--I think there's an OP in almost all MLC situations. In retrospect, my H's MLC started earlier than I realized. At the bomb, he denied having an affair, but I soon found irrefutable evidence. And he still denies it, but talks with her all the time when D is visiting. And I also found out there had been a previous, long-distance OW in the past year. And it was another woman from his past. It has a lot to do with feeling entitled, with wanting to feel younger, and with the accompanying narcissism.
That's my experience, anyway.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Check out the stories on the MLC board. Find one where there is not some type of physical or emotional affair going on prior to the marital crisis.
I don't think an affair is required to classify a spouses mess as an MLC.
I think we spend WAY too much time trying to decide whether or not our spouse is HAVING an MLC or not.
Who really cares what you call it? Walk away spouse or mid-life crisis.
I just choose to call it "A-spouse-who-has-become-almost-the-antithesis-of-the-person-you-have-known-for-XX-years" disease.
Hallmarks are summed up with "Acts basically like a self-indulgent, beligerant teenager and can't understand why everyone is unhappy about it."
Focusing on MLC or WAS just saps your energy. At best it's an amusing intellectual discussion. At worst it provides some sick type of false sense of security that keeps you from doing what you really NEED to be doing...
Work on YOURSELF.
Take care of your children.
Work on YOURSELF some more.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Hi scrappy- Sir's "armchair analysis" is good. I might add that there usually is some kind of trigger (or combinations of triggers)that precedes the crisis such as the death of a family member, a child going off to college, being fired from a job, etc.
My H has done everyone of those things that Sir listed. I know he has had some kind of crisis whether you want to call it midlife or identity or whatever. When my H left 22 months ago, the first thing I thought was that he had an OW since my first H had an OW. Maybe I am naive, but in all this time, I have found no real evidence of an OW...and since I have been there before, I do know what to look for. My H says this is about him wanting his independance and not having to answer to anyone. He claims he likes being alone and having peace and quiet. If there was an OW, he would be have to give up all of those things. We have been going to MC for 8 months now and my H is still resisting giving up his autonomy...but at the same time, I believe he doesn't want to lose me so he is trying.
I do believe that a large percentage of MLCers have A's but I do not believe it is 100%.
Now that being said, you say that your H has a friend that he leans on. Could this be an emotional affair even if it isn't physical? It has been said that EA's are more damaging to a M than PA's.
Bworl is right we do spend way too much time trying to put a label on this. We do need to find ways to make ourselves happy and keep moving forward in our lives rather than dwell on where our spouse in all of this...BUT I think it does help us to do that when we can have a better understanding of what is happening to our spouses.
I would like to add that an OP is a way of "self-medicating" or creating a diversion to keep from dealing with their issues. There can be other ways to do the same thing...alcohol, drugs, over-work, etc. My H admitted the other night at C that he has used work to keep me at a distance.
