Wow! A lot of good advice there. Yes, I feel she at least had an emotional affair, but she won't own up to that and call it what it is. She continues to insist it was an innocent friendship (even defends talking to him at 3 am while I sleep). Anyhow, those are all her problems. If things work out I will defend her to anyone, so long as she is repentant and stops this nonsense. What do you all think of a legal separation? Last night after work she said she'd rather do that than get a D, at least for now. She says that God might have a plan for us again, she doesn't see it or how it could even happen, but she at least wants to wait and see. Is that just a prelude to a D? Should I give it a shot? What does a legal sep entail? Anyone been down that road?
Crafidi, Have you continued reading DB and DR? first STOP asking your W if she is having an EA, PA, talking to OM etc. The more you grill her the more she will run. Does it matter -- you know in your heart what she is doing. She will not tell you and it will frustrate you more with her continued lies. They are in a fog and you will never get an honest answer. Let it go...
Legal Seperation is almost same as D except it is not a D, might buy you some time so she can change her mind, and protect assets. It could be a prelude to a D. If W wants a LS or a D -- let her get it. Do not help the process in any way till SHE files.
What I did was get some legal consultation from several L so if H asks me for D I will be prepared -- unlike him. I do not want a D but I you also need to have eyes open.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
I haven't been down that road, as my state doesn't offer LS, but from what I've researched about them, it's usually just a prelude to D. I'm generally only in favor of it if:
- you need to separate finances, for YOUR protection
- you or your children cannot withstand the current situation (arguing, angry outbursts, verbal abuse, etc.)
Part of the problem with them is that it doesn't give the wayward spouse an opportunity to see you live out the "new, stronger you" in front of them everyday. DBing obviously can only work to the extent that they're SEEING it play out in front of them. If you're separated, there'll be only a small fraction of the opportunities for them to see that.
LS is offered in my state; but the catch is the cost. It costs the same as a D; and it only lasts one year. After the year, if you file for D....well you pay up again.
My L was against the idea just for the cost alone and the process is the same as D.
I am currently reading DR, but I think I need to skip straight to DB. I have stopped asking about the EA/PA/OM. It really doesn't change matters, and as you point out, it only pushes her away more. I am letting go of it (at least in front of her) and praying that God will reveal the truth. I really need to let go of it in my own mind to really allow God to work. I am hoping for the best and preparing for the worst....
I was hounded and hounded by my H for years. I lied and kept the secret. When I did tell the truth it was freeing BUT more importantly it let go of the OM. up until then i was sharing a dirty little ecret with him.
I know with absolute certainty that as long as she continues to deny , or talk to this other guy, you cannot improve things. I also know that hounding her may eventually give you the truth but it will still be you moving on, which will either give her the wake up call or she will leave.
You have lost her at the moment and even though it goes against everything you want to do, it will be you having enough and accepting that, that will be you answer.
Remember A are decietful and ugly and do not last. So even if she does go, once you dont care all the fun and excitement will deflate and the appeal wil lose its shine.
You're right on both counts--it's not what I want to do, but it is what's best for me. I'm not even concerned about the OM at this point. I just found out he's moving out of state. My big problem is the whole ILYBINILWY line--I just don't know what to do with that. What exactly does that mean and what do I respond to that?
