Six months later--the truth is out there

[hoosiermama]

Yep, sometimes the anticipation is worse than the reality. And sometimes not. I'm glad this time it worked out so well!

I can't believe this thread hasn't locked up....

[hoosiermama]

Can't sleep...I'll regret this tomorrow morning! D12 is coughing her head off in spite of my best efforts--what good is it having a mom who's a nurse if you still end up with unpleasant symptoms?!

I know this thread is gonna lock up. I'd have started another except I'm just flat out of ideas for a title.

So let me just get down to it. Does anyone see any hope in my sitch? Is this MLC, or just my self-centered H with the brakes off, or some combination of the two? And someone tell me WHY would I even consider being back in a relationship with this man (and only after he hits bottom without a bounce, and learns a few things about life in the process)?

I've been thinking (not much lately, I'll admit) about what kind of 180's I could do. And everything I've come up with I'm sure he wouldn't notice, because I communicate with him so rarely, and see him even less. And it's always about him, on occasion about D--never about me; I could have developed terminal cancer or won the lottery and he'd have no idea. He never asks. And I don't initiate any conversations unless I absolutely have to, and always about visitation or money. And those he answers whenever it's convenient for him, if at all. Earlier in the summer I tried to have a conversation or 2 by email--just some things I needed to say, nothing earth-shattering; no reply at all.

On Friday we were both at a concert where D sang; it was a large room full of parents and others. I purposely stood as far away from him as I could (the bomb got dropped just after the last concert of last year's season, so it's a little tender). And he looked for me the whole time--never found me. That surprised me a lot.

I see a few WAS's coming around on various threads over the past few weeks. Is it the holidays? Coincidence?

I expect the affair with OW to blow up in the near future--not because I know anything at all, because I gave up spying awhile back (as if I could do that anyway!). But because it's already lasted longer than it did the first time around, 22 years ago. I could be completely wrong; they could end up married, who knows. But if it does end, what would he do? What would I do?

These are the things I think about when I can't sleep. I was asleep briefly, awoke from a dream in which I returned home to find my door padlocked. That was a little unsettling!

[hoosiermama]

~^~

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Hoozh,

As you know, I fully expect your husband's affair to crash. It remains to be seen whether or not he turns to YOU at that point, begging forgiveness, or if he's too stubborn and/or too far gone. But I do think he'll crash, as there's still so much working against him that's yet to happen:

1. Financial reality.

2. Legal reality.

3. Wicca Woman could dump him.

4. Logistical reality of not seeing his daughter every day (he may not seem like he cares now, but if #3 happens, he WILL).

5. Spiritual epiphany (there's an awful lot of scripture in this man's head, if not his heart, and this could still happen).

6. He married you for a reason, and some combination of the above may make him realize what he's done to you.

So, define "hope." YES, I absolutely think he's going to crash and burn. And I also happen to think he WILL beg you to take him back. I'm just not sure if you will WANT him back at that point, nor if you even SHOULD.

Puppy

[BeingMe]

Hi Hmama!

I think you get so much good advice here that I scarcely feel a need to say anything. One thing I have been thinking about recently is the idea of 'living in the now'. Sometimes, we worry too much about the future, and the past too. Find joy in the Now! Because now is all we truly have.

The future is a fluid substance --- your H may or may not crash and burn, the OW may or may not dump him, and so forth. One can make assumptions based on the past (which is dead and gone), but truly, you cannot know for a certaintly what will happen. Plan for the worst, hope for the best, but live positively in the present. There is always something positive to be found --- a beautiful sunset, a child's smile, etc.

I think, however, you know all this, but feel overwhelmed sometimes by all that has happened. Just take it one day at a time.

Thinking of ya, and keeping up with your sitch.

PS Hope the weather out there isn't too bad. We are driving to Illinois (36 hour drive) to visit D28 and I am hoping there won't be too much snow on the way. Yikes!

[hoosiermama]

Thanks, Pup. Your replies are always so well-thought-out, and I really appreciate your thoughts.

You're so right on all these points. I expect the affair to end badly also, for so many reasons. It didn't last long 22 years ago, and she didn't even remember how/why it ended--kinda tells you how meaningful it was for her. And it's absolutely based upon fantasy; what other grownups decide, in the first 2 days of a relationship, that they're meant to spend their lives together--especially when one of them is married to someone else? But then, they didhave signs--after all, her first horse and I have the same name!

I've been thru it with this man, watched him crash and burn a few times in various different ways (and a few were simply leaps of faith that were at least a little commendable). I've never seen him make this big a fool of himself, tho.

Financial/legal reality--yeah. I think that actual, involuntary child support will be a shocker (at least I hope it's big enough to be a shocker!!) He's finally "made it" professionally and financially, and is resentful that he may not get to do anything he wants in spite of his obligations. When it sinks in that I'm not being unreasonable or profligate with money because the court understands that I need to feed my child, then it might sink in. I have no skeletons, nothing to hide; on the other hand, he seems resolute in denying the affair to everyone--but it will come up in court, even tho adultery isn't a factor in this no-fault state.

It has surprised me that this formerly great dad could seemingly care less about seeing his wonderful daughter more often. The pitch for 50-50 custody is clearly to avoid paying support, because he hasn't stepped up his contact with her in preparation for the hearing (2weeks from today). If he was truly concerned, he'd be busting his butt (can I say that here?) to show how much he misses her and wants to see her. But that has not been the case at all. I'm relieved, really, because I am not convinced she needs to be there any more often than she already is. But I'm just sayin'. Of course he's too busy, too involved with building a new relationship. That part, along with the financial stress, is what I find most difficult to forgive.

Spiritual epiphany? Hmmmmmmmm. Yeah, he has a lot of scripture in his head. He has a lot of other crap in there too, tho. In retrospect, it's never really connected for him at the heart level. He's been on a spiritual quest as long as I've known him, but it's always been about the best thing for him, how he can best be served, not really how he can serve God, his faith, or other people. Even the chaplaincy gig is not service-oriented, it's about controlling/directing others' paths toward ministry. Having been thru this particular kind of ministry education, I'm aware how much power the supervisor carries--and that is what is attractive to him. Can he learn to overcome this stuff, become more genuine? I hope so--because there's some real potential there. But to be honest, I doubt it. There's simply too much ego.

He did marry me for a reason. And danged if I know what that reason is. It's a mystery to me at this point. Could be because I'm really low-maintenance (this has not served me well!), can run for miles on just a little affection or affirmation, and am a really hard worker (too much so, as it turns out). I was once attractive, but after 3 pregnancies, a lot of grief, and the ravages of time I'm mostly just minivan mom anymore. And silly me, I believed in unconditional love. Possible, I suppose, but only if we don't age, put on weight, or occasionally need just a little extra attention.

Yeah, that's the big question--why would I want this man back?

[Purple]

Yeah Hoosya....why would ya??

[hoosiermama]

Thank you for hanging in with me. I know, I really try to stay away from worrying about or predicting the future, because it does no good at all. But this was a middle-of-the-night musing, thought if I could get it out of my head I could move on. And I do a lot of "processing" by writing stuff down and working things out that way.

I do try to live in the moment. Some would say far too much, because I'm perpetually late!! but every now and then, I'd like to begin planning for the future. You know, more than just putting one foot in front of the other. And I am still somewhat overwhelmed--as long as it seems, it has only been 6 months and I'm still adjusting.

Ah, weather--we've had snow showers today. Are you headed to northern or southern Illinois? Because in Indiana, there's a definite dividing line about as far north as Kokomo (~45 miles north of Indy)--north of that line it snows, south of that line it rains. I hope you have decent travelling weather!

[hoosiermama]

Yeah Hoosya....why would ya??

And that is the crux of the matter. I have a sense that I won't be able to let go fully (I think I'm at about 95%) until I can answer that honestly.

[hoosiermama]

I'm pretty sure it's a head vs. heart matter. Emotionally, I want my family back, I want my daughter to have an intact family, I want someone to grow old with. Intellectually I know that my relationship with any extended family has been forever changed, that the damage has been done already to D12 and it will always affect her ability to trust in stability, and growing old together would mean I would take care of HIM. I'm chasing a fantasy, aren't I?