PM Thread #2

[Can it work]

Good Morning PM. I hope the weekend has brought you some joy? The one thing you indicated to me in your last post is that you have low self esteem. That's a big problem I have too. I always saw myself as the lucky one for getting a W like I did. That is completely flawed though. My W loved me for who I was, not because she was feeling sorry for me and fancied a bit of rough. You have to realise that your H fell in love with you for who you were. Have you changed much in that time? Before you met your H, did you look in the mirror and like what you saw? What about now? Better or worse? What you need are compliments from people/men other than your H. Right now, your H is blinded by lust for OW so you have to just put him to the back of your mind since he'll be no help in this right now. A good thing for you to try now is to try and rediscover the woman in you. How long has it been since you flirted with a man other than your H? Your basic man is a pretty simple creature whose idea of relationship issues haven't progressed much from the stoneage. If subjected to a bit of flattery by a woman, the minds of these primitive beasts turn to mush. I'm not suggesting you should cheat on your H but you do need to prove to yourself that you're still a woman deserving of male interest. If you can even make one man take note as you walk past, there's still hope of winning back the love of your life. You need to believe in you! To do that, I think you need to be shown that you have something to offer. Enjoy it! It'll be a great boost to your self esteem and it will get your mind off that H of yours. If H notices this, it may even make him stop and think a bit. Don't let that be the reason you do it though because that would make it a covert contract. Good luck!

[PositivelyMommy]

Hi CIW, I ordered your book. I can't wait to get my hands on it and start reading, I think it will be really useful. I'll let you know when it comes and I start getting into it.

THANKS so much for your comments!

I have been working on our outer appearance (as have you, I read in your post) and I can say I haven't looked this good in a long time (10 years plus). I am getting a lot of positive comments from my girl friends but to tell you the truth, I don't meet that many men!

You have a good point, though. I wouldn't mind boosting my ego with some innocent chatting with some guys and actually it's been on my mind these last 3 weeks. Now I am wondering how to go about this. First of all, I'm not very smooth, i.e. don't know what to say, get all flustered. I will try to relax, though. Also, where to go to meet these mysterious stoneage creatures??? I need to put on my thinking cap. Any ideas? My girlfriend suggested kickboxing class, high ratio of males activities.

I am still wearing my wedding band. H tossed his in April...He lied and told me it's 'missing'. I don't know why I am still wearing mine, maybe because I still believe in our marriage and also I don't want the kids to see it's off my finger. Should I take it off??? Don't know, so many questions.

[davidswife]

Hi PM,

You're the only one who can decide about your wedding band. I don't know if I'd take it off just to flirt or get a reaction from H.

I'm happy to hear you're taking care of you.


dw

[PositivelyMommy]

Thanks Davidswife! It's a tough decision, I am definitely not ready yet because this rings means a lot to me. It truly is a symbol for me. I don't take my marriage lightly and if I took it off, in my mind, I am saying that I am 'done'.

Or the other hand, who is to say that I can't take it off? These are my rules, no one elses. Can't I change my own rules? Can't I change my own point of view? No one says I can't take off my ring and work on my marriage at the same time.

[Can it work]

Well it's nice to hear you sounding a bit more positive PM. I hope the book is a help to you. Like I said, it's aimed primarily at men (hence the title) but I do believe that it's not only men who can have the 'nice guy' persona. Not all of the psychological reasons behind becoming a nice guy will be appropriate but I think many of the behavioural traits are common regardless of gender.

Now, where can you meet men? LOL. Not a past-time that I'm really familiar with myself but I think the idea of kick boxing sounds like a good one. I don't think you just need to concentrate on high ratio of male activities but also those that have plenty of opportunity for interaction. For instance, I go to the gym 3 times a week. While I'm there, there are many women there too. I'm yet to speak to one though. People just tend to keep to themselves in my gym. Not a good way to meet people. I used to meet a lot of women when I was out with my friends. I don't really do that any more though as we're trying to do more couply things. There's nothing like a couple of drinks for loosening the tongue when it comes to talking to the opposite sex. Not too much though or you just start talking nonsense. LOL. Well, I do anyway.

I can relate to you totally with your feelings towards your wedding band. I don't think I'd want to take mine off until I was 100% sure my marriage was over.

[Tawnya]

{{{PM}}} I feel that way about my wedding band too..sorta like in the movie Fireproof where he said "this hand will have to heal around my ring"..my ring is actually missing a stone that I'd like to have fixed..but I just can't bring myself to be without it right now..

I hope you are having a good Monday!

Tawnya

[davidswife]

You can totally make your own rules, change your own rules, they're your rules.

I just made the comment about it being your decision because I had lots of friends and family commenting that I should take off my rings. I never did, I just never "got there" with it.

As with any sitch, everyone is your life has an opinion, but in the end, listen to your heart.

Interestingly enough, my H never took his ring off, even during all his antics. I don't know that I took it as any kind of sign at the time, but I was surprised.

dw

[PositivelyMommy]

Hi Davidswife, I just re-read my ring comments and just realized that it could have sounded angry but didn't intend it to be. I was asking myself retorical questions. Trying to ease myself out of my comfort zones and trying something new. I guess, a 180 :-)

No can't take it off yet. Not ready.

For you romantics out there, I recently watched a movie called, 'Partition'. It's a weepy so only watch if you want a good cry. Set in India, very good, very romantic. Reminds me what love should be, not what it has turned into in my M.
Need to get it from the DVD rental store as it's a couple of years old.

[TxMomw/2girls]

PM..

you sound good.. thanks so much for my post and my 2x 4 you gave me... I needed it.

I struggled with the ring thing too... I can't wear it much now because it hurts to see what it represented .. if my H ever comes home we will both get new rings when we fully recomitt to our marriage... I wear my band but not the engagement and band together anymore... it takes me to a happy place and right now I'm so hurt... My H took his off the day he told me of the OW... ouch!!

Personal decision... I would play with it... you can take it off and then wear it again ... I do both actually.

What are you doing for thanksgiving??

[PositivelyMommy]

H just called and said he will be away for Thanksgiving and all weekend. It's a blow and I am feeling pretty sad. He asked me if it was all right. I answered, I don't have much choice, do I? Then I told him to go and have fun. His pretext is work, yeah right! I can't believe anything he says anymore anyway. Really trying to let this roll off my back. I know it will in a couple of days but am hurting right now because I just miss my old H so much. Hard to face the fact that he is having a separate life from us, hard to face that he keeps on lying, hard to face that he has OW.

I need to detach more. Need to think of more ways besides sports and work.