It has been so long since I have posted that I decided I would start a new thread. I really don't know where I stand these days. H went on a trip out of the country a few weeks ago. He e-mailed several times while he was gone. He brought a box of chocolates for the Ds and myself. He also brought us each a pair of matching earrings. I guess he thinks of me the same as the Ds.
I'm guessing something is up with the OW and their R has changed in some way. H has been calling more and more over the past few weeks. He often calls for no reason other than to talk. I find myself less and less interested though. (His pattern over our R is that he eventually gets tired of the OW and ends the R. H then comes back to me with no admission of any wrong doing.)
H came back from his trip sick and has been putting on weight. He is off of all meds and I don't think he is seeing his T anymore. I thought very little of his T, but he clearly needs help.
I had given myself a timeline of January. At that point I was going to file if H had not. I found myself waviering from that timeline, but somedays I want it all to be over. The more I examine our R, the more fault I find with it. Woog mentioned (in different wording) that he never really gave his W a reason to want out. I can't say I never gave H a reason. I admit that I started pushing him away when I thought I might be losing him for medical reasons. We never took care of our M and I devoted myself to being a mom and not a wife.
Over the course of our R, H has had 4 OW that I know of. Of course he claims them all as friendships. Two of them he was emotionally involved with on a very deep level and he put them before me. H claims that he has never had a PA. His unwillingness to admit to his deep feelings for his OW make the PA thing hard to believe.
I don't know at this point if H is going to try to come back through the door. I also don't know if he tries if the door will be locked or open a crack. I used to think that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and that was God's plan for me. Now I don't know if that is the plan or if that is what I want. I find myself wanted to get out there and look for someone else. I however still choose to honor my vows even if H doesn't.
I know this is a lot of rambling, but it is a lot of me thinking outloud.
R 23 years M 20 years Bomb June 2007 S Oct 2007 Ds 11 & 16 Ds and I moved out Aug. 2008
Thinking "out loud" is a good thing! I think it helps you to organize your thoughts and feelings, when you put them down on "paper". After four OWs I could see why you might have more than a bit of trouble wanting him back. I think he'd need to show you that he wanted to change things, not just come back as though nothing had happened. We are here for you!
Last edited by Virtually_Handsome; 11/16/0802:24 AM.
Hey Red: you are right, we are on the same wavelength!
It is very hard when we have done so much work on changing, and our H's have not even started. I think that is why piecing is so difficult. Regardless of that, remember this...only you can say when you are done.
Thinking out loud is not a bad thing, either. I personally find that sometimes just writing, or typing, or posting for input gives us a sense of perspective that we might not otherwise have had. I know many times its just about getting it out on paper rather than keeping it bottled up that helps us all get through this.
(((Red)))
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Hey Liz, I am glad you showed up. How is life in general? How are your Ds? Are you doing Ok? I dont know what to say about your H. How long has it been now? I dont see how anything can change by January unless you have something to do with it. It seems he is happy with the arrangements. Did he get a house? Love K
Hey Liz, I am glad you showed up. How is life in general? How are your Ds? Are you doing Ok? I dont know what to say about your H. How long has it been now? I dont see how anything can change by January unless you have something to do with it. It seems he is happy with the arrangements. Did he get a house? Love K
Hi K! I miss you so much and think of you often. Life in general has been very busy. We had a competition at out rink last weekend so I was very busy with that. It was also D11's birthday. I had a sleepover for her lastnight.
Work is pretty good. I was really enjoying it but I got a student with some problems that messed up the mix. I'm working on getting that back on track. The good news is that my first graders adore me (they are so easy) so at least I get a lift there.
H is still in our old house. The suburb that it is in is one of the hardest hit in the poor housing market. It needs work before he could think of selling. He won't be doing that anytime soon as he doesn't even keep it clean. It reminds me of Robin Williams apartment in Mrs. Doubtfire before he gets his act together.
We now have seperate bank accounts that our paychecks go into. (We still have a joint savings account.) We are each paying our own bills although I am paying most of the bills involving the Ds. (skating, drama, anything school related) What I need to do is sit down with H and draw up some sort of seperation agreement. I know it won't be a problem getting him to pay up.
You are right...H seems happy with the arrangements. Life is too easy for him. He is starting to stress a little over paying bills. It is the first he has done that in 20 years. H called me yesterday to find out how to look at his accounts online. He couldn't remember if he had paid a large bill or how much was in his account. It is ironic that he comes to me for help in such matters...he accused me of being controlling in the past. I would think he would want to do things on his own.
I think of you and when you were at the point where you didn't think you would give your H another chance if he wanted one. I guess I'm at that point now. I think it is time for me to completely drop the rope and throw it over the fence. You are right, nothing will change before January.
R 23 years M 20 years Bomb June 2007 S Oct 2007 Ds 11 & 16 Ds and I moved out Aug. 2008
Hello, just thinking of you. Sorry H is still a butt head. Mine is going farther down the butthead road himself...
I think it is too easy for them sometimes. Just go out and do what they want, come around when they want to have the connections, step back when they don't...
Anway just please keep rambling here, I have missed you! And I am glad your little first graders are boosting your PMA....
H is out of town on business. He called twice today but I didn't answer. I saw his number on the id so I had D answer it as I really didn't have a desire to talk to him. Both times he asked to talk to me. I kept it short both times and ended the call.
I got to spend a few hours alone with D11 today. We just did lunch and some shopping. She held my had most of the time in the mall which made me feel great. I thought it was a lot of affection for a preteen to show in public. I get to spend a little alone time each night with D16 after D11 goes to bed but it has been awhile since I got to spend that much time with D11.
I'm still doing a lot of thinking and trying to decide if I am done or not. I'm supposed to go to the T on Thursday but I am going to have to postpone because D11 has something important going on that I won't miss.
R 23 years M 20 years Bomb June 2007 S Oct 2007 Ds 11 & 16 Ds and I moved out Aug. 2008
H made it back to town on Thursday. It was his night with the Ds and I asked if he could run D16 to the mall to pick something up. This is something that I have always done. H did it without complaining. I had D11 at her tryout so I dropped her at his house when it was over. He was making dinner when I dropped them off and offered dinner to me. I declined as I needed to get home and take my dogs out.
Friday I was at the rink with D11 and H called. I was talking with friends and wasn't in the mood for him so I sent it to VM. H ended up showing up at the rink and actually sat down with me. We chatted a little, then I took D home.
I thought H would ask about seeing the Ds this weekend since he missed most of his weekend with them because of his business trip. Didn't really happen. He did ask about dropping D10 off at his brother's house for a sleepover. I said sure and told him what time we would be eating if he was hungry. Months ago he would have turned it down but he said ok yesterday. He ate dinner at my house but he didn't sit down at the table with us.
I'm really confused as to if he is thinking about coming down off of the fence.
I am taking the Ds out of town to see my brother and his family for Thanksgiving. H will be stuck here alone. MIL is having their family for Thanksgiving but I don't know if H will go. It usually is a Norman Rockwell event so he would rather not go. My MIL tried to make me feel guilty about going to my brother's house, but I pointed out that it has been years since I have seen any of my family on Thanksgiving.
R 23 years M 20 years Bomb June 2007 S Oct 2007 Ds 11 & 16 Ds and I moved out Aug. 2008
Good job on insisting to go to your family. It wil be fun to get away from the mess and be wih loved ones again. And it will be for your H to be familyless during Thanksgiving.
I dont know what to say about your H. Maybe tough love could be the answer? xxx K
