Six months later--the truth is out there

[chicki]

Puppy,

I live in Florida and as for custody goes the court appointed mediator told me to forget about it as far as trying to get full custody & I do have records of abuse, granted it was years ago, but...

I still dont agree w/ the CS.
It doesnt take in account his MANDATED overtime or his end of the year bonuses which increase every year and last year it was @ least $6000!!

So I got the bad end of the deal for having three kids ,now I need to get a second job if only I had the time and someoen to watch the kids.

[hoosiermama]

But see, that's just it--he's not like you! He doesn't want her on weekends, because that's when he's "getting a life" with his band and the OW. (Last weekend he called D from an anniversary party--it was his 6 month anniversary with OW! Yeah, that calls for a party for sure.) He chose to leave us for OW, and he chose to live closer to her than to D--and across town from her school. I have no problems with her spending as much time as she wants with H--but he only wants her when it's convenient for him. Having said that, no, I don't want shared custody. Because I don't think that's best for D, not because I want to punish H. He's made choices that demonstrate his daughter is not his highest priority. Honey, if he was a father like you we wouldn't be here!!

[hoosiermama]

Sir, this is great stuff. Truly great stuff. You can't tell me you're not in some kind of helping profession, because you know all the techniques!!

I will try this line of conversation. Unfortunately, I probably won't see her until tomorrow after school because she's going to dad's tonite.

I think it's a great idea to help her be solution-focused. Because I imagine she probably feels pretty powerless in this entire situation.

I have just a couple of wrinkles, tho. I have no idea what their morning routine is like. But I think it's more likely that they get stuck in traffic than H is watching TV or whatever. He doesn't have an alarm clock, he uses the alarm on his cell phone and goes back to sleep after turning it off--she tells me that all the time. So she may have some influence there. The other thing is, she's not angry with her father. She's angry with the principal. Not angry enough to confront him and say--well, why don't you talk to my dad because I'm not the one driving. I wish she would, maybe then she'd feel less victimized.

[hoosiermama]

Honestly, I don't think she should be staying at her dad's during a school week. It's ridiculous having to disrupt her life like this. I'm not sure what you can do --- maybe come to some agreement with your H about having her every second weekend, and one visit during the week, but no sleepovers then. Maybe now is the time to put some boundaries into place, and let him see that this is hurting D12, and is unnecessary. Let him start feeling the consequences of his actions --- he should feel it, not D12. He can, of course, phone her whenever he feels like it, I'm sure. This, of course, plays right into your desire to not have 50/50 custody. He chose to live far away, so he made it difficult ... not you.

How DARE the principal shout at you. Most unprofessional. I hope you put him in his place very firmly. Next time he has the audacity to shout, just tell him you will not be spoken to in this fashion, and when he can do so calmly and professionally, then you will listen. Then put the phone down.

Time to put you foot down, maybe. I also think that SPM has something there.

I'm sorry, I wasn't being literal about the principal "yelling" at me. I was using kidspeak circa "Leave it to Beaver" era. So he didn't raise his voice, altho he did speak to me like a troublesome child. It would have been courtesy to ask me if this was a good time to talk (he knows my current job). It would have been kind to acknowledge that some of this may be out of my control. I really feel that some little part of this goes back to my underdog role as a staff person there--not entirely, but certainly his way of relating to me.

I have pushed for every other weekend and one evening per week, but he's refusing. He is pushing for 50/50 custody. We have a hearing December 15 for the court to make a decision because we don't agree on this. I don't think he'll win, since his choice of residence doesn't really reflect that being convenient for his daughter is a priority. Initially he was adamant about staying on our side of town. Or maybe that was all for show, I don't know. I was quite surprised at his choice of location.

[hoosiermama]

Dawn, Karen, NNP--thanks for your support and encouragement. I don't feel very strong. Just putting one foot in front of the other, but continually encountering potholes in the road.

[hoosiermama]

Puppy--

It does seem weird that states are all so different. Indiana is also a no-fault state, and adultery is irrelevant. In fact, we aren't even allowed to mention OW's name in court. There is no "spousal support" automatic rules, however. Which means I could be left hanging by a thread in spite of being the primary breadwinner in the early days of the marriage, when H was getting the education he needed to earn the salary he now earns. Child support is essentially a formula based upon discrepancy in salaries and number of overnight visits by the child.

D has been late some with me driving her. However, it's not so much because we dawdle. She gets there in time. But I think she's disorganized and still adjusting to moving between classrooms with different sets of books and materials, and takes more time than the average kid to get herself organized in the morning. I can't help with that part, except maybe by discussing how she organizes herself at her locker each morning. But if it's such a problem--why not assign her a mentor?

How can they mark him late if he can't get out of his car and you're stuck in a long line of cars? So everyone gets there at about the same time--seems it ought to be like the drive-up line at the bank. If you're in line at the critical moment, you're still able to perform your transaction!!

You know, I get us up earlier and earlier. I usually don't wear makeup so I can get out the door, and my hair is about as short as it can get to be low-maintenance. I lay everything out the night before, we check for keys, phone, homework, signed papers the night before. I'm wide open to other suggestions; neither of us wakes up completely until at least 9 am!

[hoosiermama]

bump

[NNP1965]

I am not really sure how it works here in W V. It is all so onfusing. I will find out at the L on Friday. I think if I were to want to file that I could use adultry as grounds, but all that will get me is a speedier D. If it is a "no-fault" D, then you must be seperated for a year first.

All things I never ever wanted to know about, so I think my brain refuses to accept the info.

[hoosiermama]

It's so different in each state, which I find strange. Indiana is completely no-fault, and there's only a 60 day period from beginning to end (uncontested, of course; many things can delay it). There is no requirement for time separated.

Yes, I had a tremendous amount of resistance at first. After my first visit to the L, I vomited. But once D and I began trying to get by on $80 a month for groceries because H is playing money games, I got over it pretty quickly. It's amazing how much strength you can summon to survive.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Hoozh,

How is Mr. Warlock coming thru on the support $$$ these days? Still making you hoop-jump, or has he been holding up his end?

Puppy