Six months later--the truth is out there

[hoosiermama]

Six months ago the bomb dropped and everything changed in one conversation. No, make that one monologue.

I'm still breathing. D12 is doing well, from all indications. Who knows what H is up to--I rarely speak with him. D says he's often on the phone with OW while she's there, so I assume that's still going on. The divorce marches on. Some days are good, other days are oppressively long and painful. New job; no longer a wife, mother, aunt and pastoral minister. But I am still me, child of God and mother of a wonderful daughter.

So there you have it. Another thread, over a thousand posts. Still trying to find my way. Waiting for a time when I'll appreciate my new freedom more than mourning my losses, and when I'll realize I'm thriving rather than just surviving. That does eventually happen, right?

[SirPrizeMe]

Waiting for a time when I'll appreciate my new freedom more than mourning my losses, and when I'll realize I'm thriving rather than just surviving. That does eventually happen, right?
That's the story I'm sticking with!

[NNP1965]

So there you have it. Another thread, over a thousand posts. Still trying to find my way. Waiting for a time when I'll appreciate my new freedom more than mourning my losses, and when I'll realize I'm thriving rather than just surviving. That does eventually happen, right?

Oh I sure hope so!

[hoosiermama]

Yeah, we're kinda all right there, aren't we? So glad I have you guys to walk with me.

One thing I forgot to mention above. I'm still also trying to figure out how I got here. What was my part in this whole disaster. Because if I don't learn from it, it's wasted suffering, and that's a real shame. I'm well past the point of blaming myself (that was a pretty brief thing for me anyway!) for H leaving, it's not that. Yeah, we all know he became alien spawn and had a need to change everything about his life--including his personality; wish he'd bought a red sports car instead of leaving us for wicca woman and all that. And who knows, that may well have happened no matter what--aspects of it are just too bizarre. But how did I contribute to my own misery in the marriage--that's what I need to come to terms with. I'm getting there.

At this moment, it's really frightening to think of starting over financially at the age of 52. I work with kids in a culture of poverty; I know mine is situational and not generational, but to see what it actually looks like not to be able to get out of this is scary. For the past 15 years or so my planning has always been about planning for retirement as a team, raising D as a team--which ultimately meant helping H get to a point in his career where he was doing well financially and I was keeping the home fires burning and not so much building my career. Well, guess what happened once he got to that place of financial success--yep, two months later he was gone and took it all with him. So I'm left with roughly the same amount in the retirement fund that I had 10 years ago (or probably less at this point due to the economy, but NPR says sometimes it's just better not to look when there's a downturn). I think this goes under the "hidden costs of divorce" column, and one of the reasons women have a rough time in their senior years (when working with seniors in the parish, it was very easy to tell which senior ladies were widows and which were divorced just by their lifestyles and resources). No, I'm not there yet, but I don't have a lot of time to make up any difference I need to. Especially living paycheck to paycheck as I am.

[naej]

I Hear you Hosier on the financials! It is not a good place to be. I read once the stats for over 50's divorced (from a financial aspect and they live on or just below the poverty line.
I am a prime example and I can tell you its far easier to struggle in your 20's than now when I am fast reaching 60yrs.
I was a SAHM for most of my 30 yr m life with a small part time job as pocket money!
I gave my career up so H could move when ever and wherever in pursuit of promotion. To be fair my job would never have reached the heights or financial rewards H's did. Even so pensions never ever crossed my mind.
Someone else now reaps the benefits of my sacrifices whilst I just manage to get by.
Sometimes I struggle to keep up appearances esp. with those who knew my lifestyle before--why??? I have no idea other than pride I guess.
Still many are worse off than me I know. You also have such a young child. I really hope H pays decent support for her.
I am also grateful that I come from the tale end of a society that did not regard everything as disposable and I can make good use of the thrift skills I learnt as a youngster.Make do and mend brigade.

You sound like the same sort of person in many ways and given that your work is in the caring sector you will not make your fortune.
I pray that you will have sufficient onto your needs and peace in your heart.
((())
I forgot to add and I am not sure if it is the same in the USA but woman in my age group seem to fall inbetween or outside of any "help" that may be given. As I have no children to support, no morgage and don't pay tax as I earn too little therefore I am ineligible on all fronts for any financial aid, so year on year I dip into my savings to make up the shortfall. I am also not very employable even when I look for more hours as I am near retirement and thus top scale in my job. They can get a person half my age much much cheaper.
It may sound good but I lost my marital home and bought a much much smaller place to be able to manage the level I live at now.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Hoozh,

I believe it will get better. I choose to believe that -- for you, for me, for everyone here.

I believe that He came that we might have life, and have it more abundantly.

I believe in life, liberty and the pursuit of happines. The happiness is not guaranteed to us, but the PURSUIT of it is, and I further believe that good people learn how to achieve it -- over time -- in their pursuit.

I believe that you are one of those good people, and that your daughter is blessed to have you as her mother.

Puppy

[hoosiermama]

Thank you both for the encouragement. I really appreciate it. And I really need it. I was just looking back at my first post on this thread--I meant, today is the six month mark.

[BeingMe]

Gosh! It seems fairer here in Canada. The longer you are married, the more you get and you get CS, and SS (one gets a percentage of H's salary depending on how much you earn or if you've been a SAHM). There's a whole lot more involved in the calculations, but I think the govt is trying to even the playing field for women. Still, divorced women are worse off than men on the whole, especially SAHM's because men still have the potential earnability (is that a word? in the future while the SAHM's do not, unless they go into training, or something.

I guess this is a lesson for the generation to come --- never rely on one's H's career or earnings. Have your own career --- make sure you are able to take care of yourself, and make sure you don't end up taking care of your H either. I have tried to teach my kids this, but still my D28 is a SAHM with two children (she was an honour student). D21 did not go to college either, but is a receptionist with a baby, and mostly takes care of her common law H (or, as I call him, idiot boyfriend) who is always losing jobs. I hope my S21 and D16 will learn better. I guess I set the example, so I only have myself to blame. I do have a certificate that I could use in a pinch, and I am back at university. So, I hope to change the example from SAHM reliant on dad, to student/degree with the possibility of taking care of myself in the same fashion as I am used to, if I have to.

Oops, sorry for the hijack, but I thought the subject needed the personal vent, Hmama! It seems so unfair that we who have put in years of married life, having the children, sacrificing our own careers, emotionally supporting our H's, should lose so much to someone else. Laws need to be changed, I think. For one, if you leave the M and go off with someone else, then that should be regarded as emotional abuse, and the OP should be sued for taking away someone who is key to your family. I think there's a term for that.

Yeesh! I think I've found my soapbox issue. I will now stop.

Take care.

[naej]

Hey Being Me, I am paranoid about pensions NOW! too late for me but I hope my daughter has learnt from my mistakes. She did go back to work after her child was born just part time so hopefully she is keeping up her pension fund and her stamps (they go towards state pension), which may or maynot be in existance when she is my age.

It seems to be in the UK if you are unemployed or get any sort of benefit they throw money at you but if not, nothing! Savings seem to be a bad thing at times. OK moan over. I survive.

[hoosiermama]

Seems I struck a nerve!! Yes, BeingMe, one lesson I have learned from this is NEVER be financially dependent upon someone else, no matter what, ever. This is the only time in my entire working life when I have been, because I thought we were in this together. When H was in grad school for 2 years, then in a year-long residency I was the primary bread-winner. And I was pregnant twice during that time. From the time D was ~6 months old until mid-kindergarten I worked some version of a part-time schedule, for the first time in my life. Yep, even when I was pregnant and 39 1/2 years old, I worked 12-hour nights until the day before I delivered. Midway through kindergarten, I got my ministry position in the same church where D went to school; it was full time, but the benefits and salary were--well, it was ministry, there you have it. So for the past eleven years, I haven't had much going into my retirement--but he has. Fortunately I worked for a long long time before I married him, so there's something there. Just not as much as there would be if I had put my focus on career rather than family.

Also--yes, I will get some child support, the amount is being negotiated. In his initial proposal, he wanted 50-50 custody and to pay no support, and my split of the joint expenses would leave me something under $200 a month to feed myself and D, buy gas, buy medication, and all other expenses. He wants me to live in poverty and be a part-time mother, apparently. Currently, he is paying the joint consumer credit debt, D's tuition, and we each cover our own expenses and I cover D's--and I'm not making it at all. Fortunately I am earning a pension/retirement again.

Okay, this line of discussion is making me very angry. H makes easily twice my salary. He is 7 years younger than I, so will earn pension on his large salary longer than I will on my smaller one. I'm a nurse--with a lot of experience--but I can't work clinical hours (evenings, nights) because I'm a single mom. He's the one who left, without warning. At least he doesn't want the house, and is willing to just let me have it and work out some way to get his name off the mortgage (hopefully I can do that without refinancing, because my credit is shot).

Okay, vent over. Just wish I'd known before what I know now. I'd have planned differently.