Here's some great news. D12 has to serve an in-school suspension tomorrow because she's been tardy too many times. As in, caught in rush-hour traffic coming from Dad's apt across town trying to get to school on time. Yes, the principal knows the sitch. I'm just pissed all the way around about this. First at H, for being a narcissistic jerk who's entitled to spend time with D whenever it's convenient for him, altho he lives closer to OW than to D. At the principal, for punishing D for something she has absolutely no control over--nor do I--altho he knows it's H's fault and not D's. I would think that disciplinary action would be aimed at behavior changes--what does he think D can change here? Are there any programs at school for children going thru divorce--and there are plenty? No! So let's just punish them for their parents' issues and add to their stress levels and sense of isolation. Yeah, that's a good plan. Did I know this was coming? Yes--because the principal called me up and yelled at me a few weeks back about this issue, and I explained the situation. Why not call dad and yell at HIM? Oh, yeah--he hasn't left any contact info at school. Oh, and yeah--he's not a former staff member who got axed for political reasons. Let's just keep up the culture there of kick 'em when they're down.
Does this make any sense whatsoever??!!
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Does this make any sense whatsoever??!! ok, I'm going to surprise you:
Yes. It makes sense.
Stinks for D12, but it is a growing opportunity. It is something she can address personally. She can now take more responsibility for herself.
It's not pleasant to be suspended, but D12 will learn from this. She'll learn to be responsible for this part of herself. I don't want to be an old meany, but I do not agree that this is punishing D for something she has absolutely no control over. The fact is that the school has rules and the principal cannot bend them. The principal has no control over the kid's father. A lesson you learned for yourself, I think. It's not as if it is prison for the kid. It is serious for a schoolkid, but come on, keep perspective. It's not the end of the world. It's not cruel and unusual. The kid has a chance to learn through this.
And YOU can coach her through it. YOU can be the one to help turn this negative into a teaching/learning opportunity. (High five!)
No need to be angry. No need to be indignant about H's behavior.
HM: How was suspension?
D12: Dumb. It was boring and I hated it.
HM: Being late means suspension.
D12: Yes, I know, and I hate it and blah blah blah.
HM: (Active listening) You don't like to be late. Suspension stinks. You'd rather be at home watching your show, hanging with friends, whatever.
D12: Yes, and Dad makes me so mad, etc etc etc.
HM: You don't like it when he brings you to school late. You feel like he should have gotten you to school on time.
D12: Yes, and blah blah blah (more of her perspective).
(this active listening part can go on longer than you might expect. And it may be longer than feels normal or healthy. But that's ok. Let her complain about it, and just reflect back what you are hearing. you must resist the urge to solve her problem, and absolutely resist the urge to get her to stop complaining. After enough expressing herself, she will understand that you understand her. Score! Major mom points there! ok, then there will be a pause... then....)
HM: What do you think you could do about it? What can you do to avoid being late in the future? (implicitly put responsibility on her)
D12: Well it's dad's fault and blah blah blah (if she is true to form she will duck the responsibility.)
HM: So you feel like your father could have avoided this.
D12: Yes and he was wasting time, just watching TV and (more complaining and putting it all on dad).
HM: I can see you are really unhappy about this. So what do you think YOU can do about it?
(D12, if she is a normal kid, will mull this over. Not sure what to make of it. She may try to avoid it again. Don't let her. She may want to complain some more. That's fine. Listen. When she tries to blame her father, push back)
HM: You really feel like your father should do this, but he just isn't doing it for you. What can you do? Did you tell him you needed to be on time?
D12: YES! I told him a million times!
HM: Ok, that didn't work. What else might work? Do you have any ideas?
At this point wait for her. Let her figure it out. Don't give her the answers. The key point is not to solve this immediate challenge (being on time). The key part is to teach her to solve her problems on her own, even when they are awkward situations, even when she wants someone to just save her. She needs to find her own path to power, even when she is disadvantaged or feels like she is not empowered. This is a really cool thing for a 12-yr old girl to start learning and practicing.
She may ask you for ideas. That's great! But don't give in too easily. You will be surprised at the cool solutions she can come up with.
She may ask you to do stuff. She may ask you to talk to her father on her behalf. Do it. Maybe invite her along. Focus on the lateness. No blaming. Resolve the conflict. Stick to business.
She may ask you to do other stuff. Do what you can if she asks for help.
---
It's ok. Part of growing up. You didn't want this. She didn't want it. But she'll be ok. In fact better than ok. You can make something really good out of this situation.
Honestly, I don't think she should be staying at her dad's during a school week. It's ridiculous having to disrupt her life like this. I'm not sure what you can do --- maybe come to some agreement with your H about having her every second weekend, and one visit during the week, but no sleepovers then. Maybe now is the time to put some boundaries into place, and let him see that this is hurting D12, and is unnecessary. Let him start feeling the consequences of his actions --- he should feel it, not D12. He can, of course, phone her whenever he feels like it, I'm sure. This, of course, plays right into your desire to not have 50/50 custody. He chose to live far away, so he made it difficult ... not you.
How DARE the principal shout at you. Most unprofessional. I hope you put him in his place very firmly. Next time he has the audacity to shout, just tell him you will not be spoken to in this fashion, and when he can do so calmly and professionally, then you will listen. Then put the phone down.
Time to put you foot down, maybe. I also think that SPM has something there.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Hi, Hooz, I've kinda stayed out of this because, being child-free myself, I don't feel qualified to offer parenting/custody advice. However, I just wanted to say that I was impressed with SirPrize's suggestions (as I usually am!), and regardless of what you do about this, I wanted to let you know that I'm reading along and thinking of you and praying for you. You have been through so very much (censored), I think you are stronger than you realize. Give yourself credit, and try to find things you can do to make YOU feel good!
Peace and blessings, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
I agree with everybody a bit. I do think if your H can't get your D to school on time, then he shouldn't keep her on the weeknights. To me that's a no-brainer anyway. Here in my state I've read a lot of custody is usually every other weekend, and dinner or an overnight with the kids once a week. Maybe your H could get her to school one morning a week?
Penalizing your D for that doesn't make much sense to me. Doesn't seem to teach your D a valuable lesson to me: dad screws up and I get punished? It's good for people to fight their own battles and deal with consequences, but not really fair I don't think for a child to have to deal with really the consequences of her dad's misbehavior. Hopefully, you can work out something with your H, I hope so anyway! Karen
Define "fair." Here in Florida, my wife can have an affair, lie to me, our children and her parents about it, and if I file for divorce, her adultery can not only NOT be used as grounds for the divorce, but -- because we were considered to be in a "long-term marriage" (22 years) -- I would then have to give HER a rather large percentage of my earnings PERMANENTLY -- as long as I continued to work.
That would be in addition to child support, which is a basic formula, and which I would have NO problem paying, and then some.
Permanent alimony, to someone who cheated on you. What a country.
And I could FORGET about custody -- the man almost always loses that one, unless you can prove abuse or drug addiction or something.
Hoozh, we must be living parallel lives or something today -- because my S12 also got the "too many tardies" thing today. For now, it's one day of after-school detention, but if he gets any more, it's going to be an "in-school suspension."
Except this one's on him and me. We live all of about 3 miles away from his school, but because we both dawdle in the morning, by the time we get there there's a long line of cars and he's frequently late getting inside. Today, we each got up 10 minutes earlier and got out the door and there was no traffic at all, and he was EARLY.
Define "fair." Here in Florida, my wife can have an affair, lie to me, our children and her parents about it, and if I file for divorce, her adultery can not only NOT be used as grounds for the divorce, but -- because we were considered to be in a "long-term marriage" (22 years) -- I would then have to give HER a rather large percentage of my earnings PERMANENTLY -- as long as I continued to work.
That would be in addition to child support, which is a basic formula, and which I would have NO problem paying, and then some.
Permanent alimony, to someone who cheated on you. What a country.
And I could FORGET about custody -- the man almost always loses that one, unless you can prove abuse or drug addiction or something.
Puppy
That is heartbreaking and just plain wrong!
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
