Mixed Signals or Just My Imagination ?

[native]

This is a post to another thread, but it updates my sitch and how I feel.

It does take some time to detach. It has been about 7 mos. since W dropped the bomb, and I feel like I have just turned a corner.

For the first time since that day I feel strong. And I have come to realize that though I had my faults, I have acknowleged them and been willing to make amends when I saw them. However, W has them too, and she has not made any real steps to address her issues. In fact, she has been really awful lately and it just shows me that she has chosen not to learn any new ways to deal with stuff.

She chooses not to be vulnerable, to believe I am some awful person. It is like she is playing out a script from somewhere in her past, like a review of one of her M's many break-ups.

She ignored an important e-mail about finances ( I suspect she didnt read many of my e-mails in the past few months) and made some financial committments that were unwise.

Now she says she feels like she has been lied to. I had always told her that the info I had was incomplete, that I would have to sit down an make a full accounting of our monthly bills.

Anyway, she took out her anxiety re: being able to pay her bills on me, when she was the one who ignored the crucial e-mails.

As she began to get into her accusations and her voice began to rise, ( I was at her place), I said I wasn't going to sit there and be treated like this. So I got up and went to my car.

She came to the door and asked me calmly to come back inside.

It got dicy for a while, but I tried to be calm and listen. She worked herself into a lather then threw me out. I guess it made her feel better to be in control of the sitch.

Whatever.

Anyway, I am thinking how I don't even want to be around her miserable self anymore. I dread being in the same room with her. It is like she is under a dark cloud all the time.

But for me, it is like a whole world of possibilities has opened up.

I have time to think, dream and plan like I haven't for years.

I don't have to constantly be trying to pick her up off the ground emotionally. She has to take some responsibility for her life, choices and thoughts.

I know our sitch's are different, but you may come to a place where you can see that in many ways, you were doing too much, your spouse was doing too little, and they need to grow up.

I feel like I'm there now, and I'm ok with that.

As long as my D6 is ok, and she seems to be right now (except she doesn't like staying with M), I'm ok.

One day at a time. It will make sense one day.

Now I must burst out in song. First heard this song performed by Doc Watson. It is old timey, but very comforting to me. If you like this song, the whole alblum (On Praying Ground) is great:

Doc Watson's Farther Along

Farther Along

'Tempted and tried, we're oft made to wonder
Why it should be thus all the day long,
While there are others living about us,
Never molested, though in the wrong.

Refrain
Farther along we'll know all about it,
Farther along we'll understand why;
Cheer up my brother, live in the sunshine,
We'll understand it all by and by.
When death has come and taken our loved ones,
It leaves our home so lonely and drear,
Then do we wonder why others prosper
Living so wicked year after year.


Refrain
Farther along we'll know all about it,
Farther along we'll understand why;
Cheer up my brother, live in the sunshine,
We'll understand it all by and by.
Faithful til death, said our loving Master
A few more days to labor and wait,
Toils of the road will then seem as nothing
As we sweet through the beautiful gate.


Refrain
Farther along we'll know all about it,
Farther along we'll understand why;
Cheer up my brother, live in the sunshine,
We'll understand it all by and by.
When we see Jesus, coming in glory,
When He comes from His home in the sky,
Then we shall meet Him in that bright mansion,
We'll understand it all by and by.


Refrain
Farther along we'll know all about it,
Farther along we'll understand why;
Cheer up my brother, live in the sunshine,
We'll understand it all by and by.

[MsMelancoly]

Hi Native, I totally agree with how you feel about changing, being able to stand on your own. And being tired of trying to pick someone up emotionally, especially seeing that my H hasn't done anything to work on our M. I think it takes one to start the DB process ... but that only works for so long if two aren't involved. Are you finding a strange sort of peace?? That is where I'm at.

[native]

Are you finding a strange sort of peace?? That is where I'm at.

Hello MsMel, long time !

Yes...it is a strange feeling, but it is a bit of fresh air compaired to the pain I have been going through these last 7 mos.

But when I get these glimpses of her utter inability to treat me with respect, I see a person I don't like, someone who doesn't deserve all that I have tried to do for her.

I realize how utterly selfish and lacking in empathy she is at times, that though she always accuses me that its 'all about me', in fact, it is all about her.

The person I fell in love with is gone. I don't think I will ever see her again. She is as gone as if she died.

To be fair, perhaps W is in the process of metamorphosis and she will emerge a beautiful butterfly, but it is messy and ugly right now.

I know she is trying to 'find her voice'. This is my assesment of her. She has been quiet all her life and now that she is speaking up, it is an all or nothing proposition. The baby has to be thrown out with the bathwater. One day she will find the balance and understand that to grow, she doesn't need to throw out everything. But it will be too late for us.

I am finding more peace. I could wish she would be rational, fair, patient, forgiving, but I would be foolish to expect to find these as constant qualities of her character.

The only thing that nags at me is the thought that if I had the magic words that maybe something would click and she would love me again, treat me with the respect that I long for, and let me learn how to love and honor her.

Perhaps those words exist, but I don't know them. I don't really understand what she is looking for.

We had a heated discussion tonight re:custody. At first she really showed her a** and was generally condescending. I confronted her attitude and she visibly altered her way of interacting for the better. We got through the discussion, but we ended badly. She left admitting she was unable to stop thinking the worst of me. It was unpleasant, and there is sadness in all of this, but I was relieved to have her go. If her father hadn't been here with us, I think it would have been a complete blow out.

So, yeah...if she is going to be evil and hateful, I would rather not have her around.

In fact, I think she would treat any man in her life like this eventually. Perhaps I am wrong, but I know I gave our marriage all I had and it didn't work out. I think she is destined for drama and breakups. I wish it were different but I can't fix what's broken with her. I will pray for her as I would pray for an enemy. God forgive her because she doesn't know what she is doing.

[MsMelancoly]

Try not to bit the bullet or as they say here take the bait.

It is much easier to let go of someone if you act like you hate them & make their life a living hell. I look at my own past relationships (that had gotten really serious) & I'm not friends with any of them. Much easier to detach with anger.

I do still love my H. I've decided to take a different path & not get angry with him. I think I'll go put on my tie die & frolic through a field of daises now <lol>

[native]

I try to be cheerful around her, and in fact, am an upbeat person by choice. I feel anger when I am not around her though, when I think what she is doing to the child, but I am not the miserable person, she is.

Thanks for the reply. I am going to have a good day today !

[native]

Had a really nice evening with W and D6 at her new house (she is renting). W had called to ask if I had an outfit for school tomorrow and I came over w/ clothes.

W offered me mac and cheese, a recipe from a collegue at work. You know, she almost never cooked during our 7 yrs. of marriage. It was, well, it was ok. But I told her it was good.

She was showing me the knife set and glasses she got at Tuesday morning and the Iphone she got as an early Christmas present from her M. For some reason, she wants to share with me these simple things. I said nice things about all her purchases.

She looked really nice and I complimented her.

I was just waiting for the bottom to fall out but it never did.

There was only one dicey moment when she complained that D6 acted up when I was there, as if she could get away with things she couldn't when with W by herself.

I didn't respond defensively, but instead made sure D6 knew that just because I was there did not mean she could ignore mommy's words.

This had been an issue in the past. W tends to be very irritable and get upset with D easily. Most interaction w/ M seems to be being scolded. It has more to do w/W's irritability than D's disobedience most of the time.

But this issue was smoothed over and the hour I spent there was almost delightful. W smiled at me a few times. We even played a favorite game of tug of war using D as the rope on the couch. Like old times......

So out of character.......!!!

I don't know if this has anything to do with the fact that I will be paying most of this month's rent for her.

Should I help her out financially? I don't know, but as there was a misunderstanding (one that she could have avoided), I do want to help her. But I can't do this indefinitely.

Anyway, it was nice. Doubt it will last.....

[native]

Tonight we got together at a friends house before going around our block with the neighbors and kids for Halloween. We were invited to eat a little soup and salad and other parents were there that we know from our street.

W was not aloof, but seemed to be enjoying the time.

After about an hour we took pics of the kids, and headed out to trick or treat as a group.

W had been invited to a halloween party with friends from work and went into a little detail about who would be at the party. It seemed she was making sure that I didn't assume she was going out on a date.

I had plans to take D to meet her two best friends to trick or treat in a nearby neigborhood.

As she got ready to go, she lingered by her car, and in her silent language, I knew she wanted to be hugged.

Without asking, I came and embraced her, kissed her on the forehead, and after a moment, let her go.

It was perhaps the warmest, most genuine moment we have had in almost a year.

I have been going dark for about three weeks now. I only respond when she asks me to. There has been no pursueing, but I have helped her financially when she needed and when I was able.
I have dropped the rope, acknowleged that I don't think we can work this out.

Now she seems to be softening. I want to believe that something is happening.

It's hard to know what to believe right now, but I am encouraged after the the last two times we have been together.

[native]

W kept D6 for two hrs today, while I tied up some loose ends w/work. When I got there, D was crying on couch. W explained that she would not communicate to her about what she wanted. It appeared they were not making headway and D looked pleadingly to me and sobbed 'Daddy...daddy....'

I said it looked like we ought to give her a little time to calm down and picked up D and hugged her.

W accused me of 'not backing her up'. I was in no mood to be accused when it looked like another episode of W being impatient.

I took D and we headed off to go hiking. Stopped on the way and got the story from her perspective.

It looked like W had gotten angry at D's frustrated outburst when W turned off video. D had wanted to watch some of it over but did not actually verbalize what it was she wanted, only expressed her unhappiness with a strident 'No !!!'

W tried to get D to explain why she was unhappy, but in the process succeeded in shutting D down even further. W had showed no patience, but had gotten angrier and angrier.

I had been through the same situation in the past year a number of times and had finally figured out that D needed to be hugged in order to regain the composure to actually express her thoughts clearly.

All day long in the back of my mind I wondered how I would approach W and have a positive outcome, one that would help their relationship and would not make ours worse.

I was tempted to draw correlations to how her M used to treat my W as a child. When W was about our D's age, and was pouting and angry ( much like our child), M would try to get her to talk but would end up exasperated and physically 'punch' or 'pounce' the bed and walk out in a huff.

By contrast, her F would come and tickle her out of her bad mood and eventually get her to talk.

After getting home, making supper and getting settled in, I called a DB'ing friend (who is divorced) and ran the whole thing by him. With his help I could see what I needed to do.

Called W and kept it all very positive.

I told her how I really wanted her R with D to be a success and that if what she was doing was not getting her the results she wanted with D, she might try an approach similar to her Dad's. ( Of course, I avoided drawing comparisons of her behavior with her Moms).

W actually said she really realized I was right and acknowledged she had been struggling with patience (this is what my D refers to when she says 'mommy is mean').

No resistance, no accusations from her, or from me to her.

It was a thing of wonder. Wow. How I wish I could have figured this out years ago.

[native]

I was looking over the anniversary and birthday cards my W gave me up until the bomb. Yes, I saved most of them, they meant a lot to me.

It is killing me to read them now. I can see, in retrospect, what she was crying out for. The closeness, the cuddling, the romance. And I let her down on all accounts, so in a sense, I deserve this.

We did spend Sat. morn. as a family with D6 at the farmer's market. Didn't spend every moment together, but for a while it was just like we used to do.

I initiated a call tonight (Sun), to see how she was doing. Mostly I listened to her, which I was glad to do. She asked to say goodnight to D. and then hung up.

I can look at all her behaviour, pre and post bomb and tell myself rationally that she just can't sustain or maintain a marriage relationship, wasn't an equal partner, etc.

But I can't shake the regret that I many times ignored her deep needs. As she wrote on Valentines Day 2005:

'I love you very much! From your loving wife,___! I hope all our years together hold lots of hugs and kisses and special moments.

That's what I'm looking forward to !! I LOVE YOU!
Love, ____

There is a special place of torment, that only broken-hearted lovers know.....

[native]

W invited me to her Father/Step-Mom's 20th anniversery dinner.

I have been working nights but came to visit for an hour and one half.

W later told me that she was glad I came.

Okay.............whatever.

Of course I want to think that this is some indication that she misses me, but my more suspicious interpretation is that she is glad that I wasn't morose or a downer.

I guess I'm ok in small doses....