"You're more likely to divorce if there are differences in your backgrounds, your likes and dislikes, and interests".
false is my answer - I think hubby would answer the same
Thoughts on this illusion? differences can many times compliment each other, where one person is very alert to small details another may be able to see the big picture but not know how to get there we can learn from each other & help each other
What are some of the differences between the two of you that you thought were "cute" when you first got together, but you now think are rather "annoying"?! I use to think that it was ok for hubby to be shy & rather naive to the mean world but now his naivety as to the fact that there are people who will pretend to be your friend just to get what they want out of you (users & losers) is not only turning into something very annoying but is creating a huge problem in our marriage as he's turning off his shyness with the excessive drinking & his "new friends" are encouraging it so that he'll spend way too much on beer & drinks & junk food for thier beer parties while the bills go unpaid
What do you think that their answer to this question might be? I think that Byron use to like the fact that I would speak my mind & that I was independant & that I knew alot more about life than he did, now he resents that I do know more about alot of things & we've had a few discussions about the fact that I try not to do the I told you so but just before he left we were arguing because I knew what was happening & I wanted it stopped before we lost everything due to the partying... prediction? at this point thats just whats happening now credit is screwed after working so hard to get it cleared hubby has tried to kill my independence by forcing me to quit every job that I held that was a regular job so I started working only thru the temp services - he wasn't able to just tell me that he wanted me to stay home with the kids, but after his actting up one time I asked him about it & he didn't give me a straight answer but from his reaction & what the kids told me one time about he wanted to make sure that they had a better childhood than he did I figured out that he resented his mom working so much & leaving him to fend for himself with 3 step brothers against him & his brother & it wasn't the nicest thing growing up for him
In what ways are you different from your partner? I'm first born in my family & older than my husband & have lived a crazy life before meeting my husband, the things which he's now getting into I did back when I was in my 20's & thats why I saw quickly the type of people that he started dealing with were a bad influence & user losers - I'm willing to try new things & learn by research & asking questions when I want to get information on a subject - I'm observant & a bit detailed orientated - I'm out going & enjoy going out I'm aslo able to wait for something that I feel is worth while until a time when we can better afford it I like to talk about things & how they can be changed for the better I look for options & compromises when ever possible
What things might you be able to add to their lives? If hubby would allow me to handle the budget we'd actucally have more than what we have gotten over the past 12 years of marriage, I decided during the 2nd yr of our marriage that since the budget was always a problem that I'd not look at the bills & simply give him the bills to be paid the way he wanted to pay them, sometimes it worked & sometimes we had shutoffs or evictions but at least we weren't arguing every payday about the fact that bills needed to be paid, we've lost more in our 12 yrs of marriage than we've gained If hubby would allow me to get back into the real estate business without argueing with me about what I need for the computer or the time that I spend on the internet to build my webpages then we'd have more money to be better able to afford the things in life that we want If hubby would follow some of my advice instead of listening to his mother about what we should be doing for living arrangements then we'd have our own place long ago & an investment property instead of so many bills & collectors calling If hubby would take the time to enjoy the fun of the game instead of focusing so much on what I'm doing wrong when I was learning how to play golf, pool, darts, bowling, etc going out to the dive bars might be more attractive to me
In what ways is your partner different from you? hubby is the baby of the family & his mother is still treating him like a little boy with her "poor hubby" routine all these years hubby runs away from his problems rather than facing them & looking for ways to solve them - he's running away to his mom's & he's running away thru the drinking hubby keeps his feelings locked up inside & doesn't actually deal with them hubby is quiet & shy pre-MLC days - now he's still quiet when he's sober but he's turning to drinking & has turned into Mr Social Butterfly until his wallett is empty
What things might they be able to add to YOUR life? hubby use to add some quiet fun into my life & introduced me to golf & bowling hubby use to be my friend & confidant hubby use to enjoy being silly
What are your strengths and your weaknesses? +I manage money well +I know alot about healthcare & what I don't know I'll research -I have a tendancy to get emotionally explosive when I've come to the end of my rope -+I can be impulsive sometimes this is bad & sometimes good +I'm a planner & see the bigger picture as well as the knowing to plan the details to make a project happen -I will sometimes be doing too many things at once & things will fall thru the cracks which I meant to take care of -+I have a tendancy to focus on an important project & will basically become 1 minded until the project is completed (hubby has mistaken this for neglect in the past & still doesn't understand that if I don't focus like that then I run the risk of not completing the project or it's completed below expectations - if he were to express to me when he's feeling neglected instead of hoding it in then I could take the time to reassure him that all is well & just give me the time to get the project copleted so that I can get back to regular life) -I have the need to discuss things which are a problem until some sort of resolution compromise can be made
What are their strengths and weaknesses? +hubby is easy going about things, this sometimes can be bad as he'll neglect things until the last minute & it has cost us both in lost opportunities & money +hubby knows alot about computers +hubby basically sees only good in people -hubby has no sense of budgeting -hubby has a childish & selfish attitude at this point in time -hubby has a tendancy to let things just boil inside rather than discuss somethng thats bothering him & then at some point out of the blue blurts out something which should be discussed but refuses to discuss it
How might the two of you be able to combine your strengths, and come together to make a great relationship, to be a great "team"? My knowledge of health could in fact help him to be healthier His knowledge of building computers could help with the business ideas & plans that I have & if instead of argueing with me saying that I don't need something & take the time to understand why I need or want something on the computer he'd see that I'm trying to save us money in the short run & will produce an income in the long run
My knowledge of budgeting, real estate & business could provide us with an income to enable us to live a better life where we could afford to do some of the many things which we use to talk about doing & going
If we discuss things more openly & fully before doing things & updating on a regular basis then we'd be on the same page & could get more things accomplished, we'd also have less misunderstandings as the noncommunicating hs affected everything from our finances to our sex life
What actions could you take if you were to look back at what you were doing in the past, and learn how to appreciate those differences again? Right now when I look back in the past I have now started to be verbally appreciatve of things which hubby is / has done for me like bragging so that he hears it ex:he bought me a fake fur vest so I made sure to tell his mom & the kids & my friend about it & have everyone including him touch it to see how nice it feels
I've tried to be reassuring that hubby is ok in the sex department & have been actively intiating more, even thou I'm still as unhappy as I've been in the past with the sex that we've been having, althou I didn't complain about it I never gave him praises for what he did do, now at least I'm giving him praises so that he feels reassured that despite his ED which I knew was due to the drinking, & diabetes & never commented on, at least he sees me as "excited" about having sex with him I have learned here that althou I need to talk until resolution, he's not ready to talk about things so I've made more of an effort to shut up I'm trying to have more patience with hubby as I now know that he's in MLC & he's got his childhood issuses to deal with & resolve
How would they know if you were thinking that your differences could help to draw you closer together, instead of driving you apart? I don't know right now what I could use are some suggestions & advice on how to better deal with this MLC that he's in right now - I'm trying to figure out ideas & understand how to detach yet due to his abandonment issuses from childhood let him know that I've not abandoned him & then what could help us be closer right now he only sees negatives & can't even remember how some on his job have commented on the fact that we were such a happy couple & they admired how we had successfully raised the children (most didn't know that my children were not his own) this being said only 2 months before he dropped the bomb & left home to go to mommy's
Again, feel free to take your time with comments and questions!
How would they know if you were thinking that your differences could help to draw you closer together, instead of driving you apart? Right now I am unsure of how to make hubby see that our differences can & do compliment each other & that those which are counter productive can be discussed & worked out if the 2 of us work together to make this the great marriage that it should be
