Discussing your daughter moving out of your house and into her mothers has got to be very difficult for you. Seems if it isn't one thing, it's another, eh?
Has your daughter mentioned to you that she would like to live with her mother? My concern is that if this move isn't a desire of hers at this point she will be put in an impossible situation if it is presented to her. The possibility that she will feel torn between the two of you is very great.
It breaks my heart to see the children so torn and having to make such impossible decisions.
Good luck and blessings as you continue to work through this new twist in your lives.
~ swl
Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear. {Henry Wadsworth Longfellow}
Expect that you and your son will be very close in the future.
That's what I pray for and what I believe in my heart will happen
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I can only pray that everything will work out for the good.
I truely hope it does and it does seem like your W may be having second thoughts already.
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please, do not take this response as to avoid giving me your advice in the future
I have been here a long time. Longer than I ever expected or wanted to be here and I have learnt that this is a place for healthy debate. I also know that those of us who post to each other on a relatively frequent basis know that sometimes we need to see and hear hard things in order to see our sitches in a different light without the cloudiness of emotion. I know that when we do that for each other it is done with kindness and love. Unless you specifically ask me to not to post I will still be here watching you progress (however that may be) as I hope you will be on my thread too.
Take care
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
MMF, I agree with Shew, it is a pretty delicate situation with your daughter. Could you raise the topic with her in some gentle way without immediately bringing the implied pressure to decide upon her? That way you can test her out to see if she wants to decide, and then if she does, you of course can just step back and let it happen.
but of course I also see the wisdom in delaying the who thing until later, for the sake of the boys.
and if she does elect to go to her mother's place to stay, you would probably want to talk with your daughter about your own feelings about it - telling her that you would like to still see her regularly, and maybe the two of you could make a regular date - like saturday afternoons or whatever.
At a certain age the responsibility to facilitate a relationship between the parent and child lies with the parent and child, not with the other parent. The other parent is going to do whatever... you cannot let that affect your relationship with your kid. you cannot depend on the other parent for your relationship with the kid.
I have thought about this considerably and reading your posts have cemented the overall concern I have for my daughter -- the pressure of having to choose between living with her mother or me could be terrible.
It also is a huge leap for my daughter to go from not wanting to stay at my Ws place for overnights (it is my Ds way of making a statement to her mother) to living with her mother. I think it would be possible to approach the subject of spending more time with her mother without making it appear as such as major step.
ACJ Thank you for your observation about my W and possible second thoughts she may be having.
With regards to how disagreements or matters of opinion can be handled, I will admit that I have, at times, taken the less than positive approach and reacted negatively. Overall, even if I haven't agreed completely with someone, I usually can glean something that I can use from what is shared as long as I don't let my pride get in the way.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
Something recently happened that shed some light on my Ds challenges with her grades.
My D is usually an A student.
This past Sunday, she didn't want to go to church, which is unusual for her. I ended up not going but spending several hours with her talking with her about faith, her life and those around her. She decided to share the past 3 1/2 years out of her diary with me. She left out certain things that were more private or didn't pertain but she was surprised herself when she read about being disappointed a couple of years ago when she missed out on all As because she ended up with a B. She stopped reading and looked up at me and said, "I was a good student".
I couldn't believe that she had forgotten. Her grades now don't even resemble what she used to get.
Yesterday, after reviewing her grades online (the school has a great program to access her current grades broken down by assignment, test, etc) I spoke with her because I was gravely concerned about her future. I admit that I shared another award her brother had received (he has straight As) but stated it as that I am not sharing this to make you competitive with your brother. I said that I am sharing this because, although he is smart and has the capacity (obviously) to do well, I always expected to see you receive award after award because of your intelligence and discipline.
She paused and then told me that what has been on her mind since she saw her diary entry about her former grades was the question of why? She said that she remembered an award that was given out for her to attend a conference on women's achievement that she had been selected from school (only her and one other girl had received this award), her mom had left the day before she was to attend. My D, "losing" her mother the day before, was in no mood to go.
My D feels that this had an impact on her and her discipline for school.
The good thing about this awareness is that my D appears to be more determined not to let this continue. Only time will tell.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
You are a good dad and approached this well with your D. It's hard on them...hard on us too. Because they get to make their own choices, and their own rise out of their situation. It will be ok.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
MMF, Oh my, what a wonderfully loving and caring daddy you are ! For a girl that age to be sharing ANY personal information from her Diary is very exceptional ! It just goes to show, how much she trusts and loves you.
I feel so sorry for what the children have to go through and how it all affects them, it just isn't fair !
I know that your D will get there, because YOU are by her side ! She will know that men can be loving, caring and respectful, because of you.
I agree you are a very good dad ! I hope she finds her way, and who knows, maybe her grades will start improving too !
Love xx
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
MMF, Your D should be very proud of you and you of her. My D13 has been seeking inappropriate male attention and I'm sure it is all because H and S16 hardly bother with her at all.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
I agree that this is a good thing but I might have a different inturpretation of her actions.
I wonder if she is looking to have your D come and live with her to relieve some of her guilt and depression. She might have felt that once she was D'ed she would feel better but she doesn't so now she is looking for the next fix to her problems. Ofcourse this won't help either. Nothing will until she looks at herself. My W has been doing this since day one. "It will all be better when...."
It is also possible that your D will reject her in one of 2 ways. She might refuse to live with her or she might go for a while and them want to come home. You have been the rock for your D since this happened, she might not give that up too easily. Also, as much as siblings fight with each other, it is my experience that they miss each other when separated.
whatever the reasons or the outcome, I still think this is a step in the right direction for you W.
Just catching up on friends MMF
Ima has what I believe to be an excellent point here.
From personal experience..........
My GF has a D 15.
D 15 was extremely upset when my GF left her H. D 15 grades began to tumble but came around again after 6 months or so. To this day her grades ride an up and down wave.
Now on to the nuts and bolts..............
My GF misses her D as though she has died, her D is still very aloof to her mother and will visit infrequently rarely staying overnight. My GF has told me many, many times that she needs her D and would give anything to have her come and live with her. I see how bright my GF is shortly after a visit from her D.......and how low she gets hours after.
My GF thinks that this will all be better when.........
Just like IMA says.
My XW has shown a ton of interest in the kids in the last few months, I know the kids need it and I believe my XW needs it too. I do not believe the increased contact with the kids will do much in the way of her looking into herself so I take it for what it's worth......
