My threads seem to be locking up quicker and quicker these days..that's too bad...especially when it takes so long to be found again by those who have been helping me the most.
So, she is moving out on Saturday...and while it may be for the best...it still tears me apart at times. It's little things, like sitting with my baby and reading to him or playing with him - the kind of stuff I had expected to share with her...but the truth is...even before this started we hardly shared any moments like that as she would shut me out of their time together so completely that I often just felt unwelcome.
I'm going out to a dinner with some TV people tonight...should be nice to be in the company of others - people that know me in a positive light - who, dare I say, even like me...so that's refreshing.
I have a feeling next week is going to be very sad and painful. My S11 will be with me this weekend - though we're going to make sure we come back home on Saturday after she's completely out of the house. We should have a good time together, though, since we won't have her tension and anger to deal with at all - and we'll just be able to hang out like two boys...I will miss having the baby with us though - damn...it...just writing that is making me lose it a bit...okay...I have to hold myself together...going out soon and have to be positive and strong.
Hey somber, it's like losing a loved one. Feeling the grief is a stage that we have to go through to get better.
Make somber better and you'll be a better father for that 2 yr old S. I know you can do because your S11 has turned out awesome. You'll do the same for S2.
Hey somber... look, I know that her moving out is not the direction you want and that it hurts like hell. I am going to try and redirect you though ok.....
It does suck, you will miss your family unit even though it sucks right now. You will miss your child. YOU will have your days that will suck.
YOU will also have your space. You will have time to be you and not have a constant reminder in your face that this is happening to you. You will have time to work on yourself without fear of her being around.
You will find that the space will help you in the long run with your goals around here. You will in time come to understand that sometimes we need time away from one another to truly see that everything we thought was wrong and horrible, maybe wasn't so bad and can be fixed. Your wife may find that this move of hers is just what she needed to truly miss you. Your wife trying to deal with a child all alone without you anywhere near to be very difficult and she may just realize that you do add value to the family unit.
Bottom line somber, there are a lot of good things that can come of this. It is up to you how you approach the separation. You have an opportunity here to turn a negative in your mind to a positive situation.
My advice, take the next two days to start coming up with some ideas on how you can make this event work for you. Come up with some things that you would like to do around YOUR home to make you more comfortable. Try and make a list of what the positives are to this and keep them handy for those times that you will get down about it.
It's going to hurt somber, it is going to scare you and you will spend nights crying yourself to sleep. It is what happens to all of us. However, the level of affect that this has on you is in your own hands. You have 2 days to get yourself a good plan for dealing with the adverse affects of the situation.
So my question for you somber....
Will you allow this move to be your downfall or will you take the necessary steps to turn this into an opportunity? You have to decide......
Ian and MC - thanks for checking and sharing your thoughts with me so quickly... I know that it's up to me now...and, despite the pain and fear, I know that I have to step up and assert myself to and for myself above all else. I expect Saturday and next week to suck in a horrible way - and I know that I will go through an excruciating amount of pain - especially when I think of the hope and dreams that I was looking forward to - but I also know that I have got to be true to myself - and find the best in me in order to be the best father I can be to my children.
Btw... please feel free to call me Carlos.
Ian, you are so very right - there are positives to see in this situation - they are clouded positives - and they sometimes seem to be extracted from the molten remains of my life - but they are positives nonetheless - since I am being given the opportunity to rediscover myself - and to push myself to be the man I had always hoped to become. I fell short of becoming that man - I know that without a doubt - and not just because my marriage is failing - but because I have not taken full advantage of the gifts I have been given.
I will have a lot of time now to strengthen myself - and to find in me the healthy person that can be in a healthy relationship...one thing I know for certain is that one cannot build a healthy relationship on the impulse to rescue someone else - or the hope that the other will finally see the potential you see in them... Falling in love with potential is about was wise as falling in love with a waterfall - the beauty might be there while you see it and appreciate it's awesome presence - but when you step away it's just a fragile memory that can't sustain itself without your ample fantasy.
I will make that list of the of how this change/event might work for me...and I will look around the home t make things more comfortable for me and my kids.
Ian...this Saturday will not ruin me...it will not be my downfall. I have the strength to grow past it - and I know that I have the love and support from friends and family to help me when I slide into darkness. I know it will not be easy - it will be horribly painful to have her gone on Saturday..but I also know that in that pain will be a true sense of calm relief.
...ugh...just cannot sleep. Woke very early this morning - around 4am - and just cannot get back to sleep. I went to bed (couch) feeling so positive, and have woken with a heavy sadness again...
Sometimes memory seems like such a villain - there to steal away happiness and leave sorrow in its place. It's so easy for me to catalog all the things my W had done to hurt me over the years - the affair, the excessive flirtation with other men, the rudeness to my S11, the violent anger...and yet I still remember her smile and her laugh and her warmth and all the qualities that made me love her so often...the qualities that made me look the other way, or make excuses for her...and I still look around this house - and the kitchen filling up with boxes for her move - and I see all the potential that was here - all the potential for a wonderful life - for harmony - for happiness - and I miss it terribly - I yearn for it...
Damn it...I'm so tired of crying...but I know I'll have more mornings and nights like this...how could I not...I am mourning the passing of a ten-year relationship - I am mourning the loss of someone that still looks to beautiful to me at times - even despite how much she has harmed me...and how much I have harmed her.
Am I shutting the door off completely to her when she moves out? No...I don't think so. Friends and family want me to just get rid of her, forget about her, move on completely without any hope for her...and I can understand why they would...but yet I still think to myself...don't close that door completely, Carlos...if what she is going through is psychological - if it is something that can be treated...then maybe a fog will lift...and yet I wonder...given what she has done to bring us here - given her contributions to the end of our marriage - could I actually want to be with her again? Right now I mourn the loss of a dream, a hope - I mourn the idealized memories I have of what could have been...so as I detach more, as I watch her continue to leave...do I say that's it? No more? It doesn't feel right to do so...but it also doesn't feel completely wrong either.
She asked me tonight if I would drop her off to get her rental truck on Saturday morning...what happened to all these friends she said would help her?
I will be okay...in the end...I am the one that asked her to move out...I have to remember that...she had threatened it, but did not act on it until I asked her when she would and gave her a list of stuff to transfer to her name once she did move out...she asked for the list...but I knew that she had to move out - she was getting worse and worse around my S11 - and she was starting to talk about making false abuse claims - so I knew that she had to be away from me...and now it's going to happen - and it feels like the death of me in some ways...but I can also see the positives that glimmer beyond this brooding gloom.
Weird...brooding gloom...surprised those words came to mind...they're from Heart of Darkness...a book that my W and I both really admired - one that we had talked about a lot...
Okay...no tears right now...just sadness...that's interesting. I suppose the tears will come later.
in the end...I am the one that asked her to move out...I have to remember that...she had threatened it, but did not act on it until I asked her when she would and gave her a list of stuff to transfer to her name once she did move out...she asked for the list...
Carlos,
It seems to me that you simply honored her request. You took her at her word...she asked you for the list and told you she was moving out. In the adult world people say what they mean and mean what they say. Sometimes adults even have to follow through on something they didn't really mean...because they said it. Sounds like its time for her to put on the big girl panties.
Nut, You are so very right - and thank you for reminding me of that. I did take her at her word - and did think that she would be doing what she had said. A month ago she told me she had found a place and that she was moving out - only to find that she couldn't afford the place she had wanted to move into - at that time she asked me to help her pay her rent...and I said I could not...and she stayed - and stopped looking for a place.
I asked her when she was going to move out because I knew it was necessary - and because we were in a state of utter limbo in terms of our M. She refused/refuses to work on it at all - and it was just getting worse and worse for the children (and for me) at home.
"In the adult world people say what they mean and mean what they say."
You nailed the situation pretty well there...it is time for her to grow up in many ways.
Carlos, Just checking in. Ian gave you great advice. You can handle it. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Hi Coach: Thanks for checking in...I copied Ian's post and emailed it to myself - so that I can read anytime on my smartphone. I need to pick myself up more...and get more done...I know that for certain.
