Carlos I can feel your pain. My W is completely check out. She is out there looking for "Mr Right" while I was in town visiting my son. I know it's just a matter of time for her to move out completely. You can do this. You will become the person that you want to be. Good luck
NW626
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
Carlos, sorry i havent been here more for you. just trying to deal with my sitch head on. Amazing how we started here together, and how similiar and how different our sitchs are and how we addressed them, and yet we're on the same schedule.
My STBX she was also supposed to move out this weekend, but i dont know whats happening. she doesnt say much and i just let her be her. she's happy, she has the OM, and apartment, she has her new 'grass is greener' life.
she had told my friend that maybe someday we can get to the place where we could work it out, but right now, I dont want that. hell, i dont even understand why she would say something like that. her stories are so extremely different depending on her audience. i'm not interested in being her back-up plan in case things with the OM dont pan out. the door is closed. not locked, i cant tell the future, but i closed it.
i feel so much of what you're feeling, the upcoming loss of time with my daughter. we can only do the best we can with them, give them all our love and attention when we have them.
I'm going to spend Thanksgiving with the STBX and daughter at my STBXs aunts house. that should be interesting, i have no idea what they know or what they've heard, but i'm sure it isnt good. my STBX and MIL are both big exagerators and love telling a big story - doesnt matter if its true or not - as long as they can be loud while telling it. but i'll take whatever is thrown at me so i can spend thanksgiving with my Zophia.
you have your older son, use this time to teach him about life, love and relationships. give him your love and give him wisdom. you have to be strong for him, but that doesnt mean he cant help you. dont be scared to let him see your pain. teach him that life is about getting back up after getting knocked down. ask him to help you, i'm sure he'll be proud of you and himself.
take care of yourself, and let her go. it gets better, i can vouch for that, each day i smile a little longer, feel a little less pain. the anger is still there, and the disappointment in my STBX for having the affair, but i'm getting better.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
Hi NW - The pain is just so intense sometimes...and I find that it really comes and goes. Sometimes it's just terrible - at other times - there's a sense of relief...it kind of depends a bit on what I'm doing...I just had to call my landlord and talk about why they got a call as a reference for my W's new place...It was tough...sad...even a bit embarrassing.
KenF: no need to apologize - believe me, I understand how all-consuming this can feel sometimes...as it does for me now...I feel like I can barely think straight today...
My W said something about doing Thanksgiving together with the kids - I just can't imagine that right now - and so I didn't accept the idea.
I'm trying to understand this pain - and let it go - let myself feel it - since it seems like feeling it is such a very necessary part of getting it out of me. Like you, I have closed the door on the M...though I cannot say with certainty if it is locked for good. I can't anticipate the future and so I'll let it be what it has to be.
I determined to be a proper example to my older son. If I've learned anything from all this - it's that there are ways to show/share love for another person that can go deeper. That's not to say that we wouldn't be where we are if I had done everything right - loving a person like my W has never been easy - it's often been a challenge of trying to look past and/or forgive the ways in which she never seemed to respect our relationship or our marriage. For all the times she's accused me of not respecting our vows, I have never once strayed from our marriage - and never once get into any kind of improper, flirtatious friendship. I may not have loved my W in the most healthy of ways - and may not have offered her what she needed to work a miracle in her life - but I don't know if anyone could - given the things she's saying and doing now...it's not about my love for her...and every time she insists that I've never loved her, I hear her telling me that she feels unlovable. I know that I've loved her, I know that even now, despite myself, I continue to love her...but I will let her go.
I will not call her parents or her sister and try to explain to them what is happening - I will not ask her to reconsider. I will accept the pain that I have to feel as part of growing and rediscovering myself - and I will accept what has been dealt me by the choices I have made in my life. I will be strong, and I will be fine. I will do everything I can to ensure that my boys have the best life they could possibly have. I will heal from this and be stronger.
YOU will also have your space. You will have time to be you and not have a constant reminder in your face that this is happening to you. You will have time to work on yourself without fear of her being around.
You will find that the space will help you in the long run with your goals around here. You will in time come to understand that sometimes we need time away from one another to truly see that everything we thought was wrong and horrible, maybe wasn't so bad and can be fixed. Your wife may find that this move of hers is just what she needed to truly miss you. Your wife trying to deal with a child all alone without you anywhere near to be very difficult and she may just realize that you do add value to the family unit.
Bottom line somber, there are a lot of good things that can come of this. It is up to you how you approach the separation. You have an opportunity here to turn a negative in your mind to a positive situation.
My advice, take the next two days to start coming up with some ideas on how you can make this event work for you. Come up with some things that you would like to do around YOUR home to make you more comfortable. Try and make a list of what the positives are to this and keep them handy for those times that you will get down about it.
So my question for you somber....
Will you allow this move to be your downfall or will you take the necessary steps to turn this into an opportunity? You have to decide......
Ian
So CArlos, what's on your list man?
What's going to be good about having time to yourself? There's plenty...I know it. Roll with the punches and look for the silver lining (heard Judy Garland singing that on the radio this morning).
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
NW - Thank you...I'm sure acceptance will bring peace - though I can see that it's going to be a tunnel of pain that I have to walk through before I reach the beacon that's waiting for me at the end of the tunnel...What will be there? A sane life - more stability in my environment - more opportunities to share happiness with my sons.
Today has been brutally, brutally painful - the most pain I have ever felt in my body (not inflicted by physical harm - or a dirty soccer player). I fluctuate between horrible agony - and calm reflection...but I am accepting the pain and tears as part of what must come out for me to be calmer soon.
So what's on my list... Going to ask my S11 if he wants to help me repaint one of the bathrooms and also my bedroom. I' also going to get a bed that I like - along with end tables that make me feel like I'm in more of a bedroom...since my W is taking the bed (which I never liked) - and I can now decorate the room in a way that feels more comfortable and balanced.
After the new fridge arrives on Sunday, I'm looking forward to filling it with foods that my boys and I like...
I will make myself get up and meditate in the quiet of every morning - rather than allowing myself to mourn and fall apart in the silence of the morning.
I will reach out to more friends - and make sure that I let people know that I need them - and not allow myself to get too dark - or so dark that I don't heal well.
I'll rearrange the living room. I will do more work around the yard in the back. I'll go bike riding with my S11. I'll read more...and get myself off the floor more.
There are more things...I'm just going to wait until I have more clarity to add them here.
I can remember the pain. I would have preferred physical pain like someone breaking my toes with a hammer over the emotional pain.
The pain does go away with time. And you start to actually enjoy time without the anger and nagging of the wife. Redecorating the house definitely boosts your PMA.
Hi KerryK- Thanks so much for coming by. I just read your Chivalry thread - and it was very calming.
I'm also thinking the house needs some new lamps...her moving out is sucking a lot of cash out of us...but I'll find a way to make this work...
Had to kick myself just now...after I ate dinner...I realized I had hardly eaten at all today...not eating is not good for the spirit.
Feel better after having eaten - though the best part of the day was certainly picking my baby boy up from school (which I did earlier than usual) and just hanging out with him - hugging him...laughing with him...listening to him use his new words.
