Unconditional Love 3 (mmf)

[missmyfriend]

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[missmyfriend]

I believe one of my biggest prayers is being answered. My biggest prayer is that my W will turn to the Lord and He will be first in her life and she will trust Him.

My next prayer is that she will want to be a mom again.

We have three great kids. I know I am biased but people who have, what I consider, great kids themselves, say my kids are phenomenal. If they are lying to me, I don't mind.

Even though they are great kids, they are having typical challenges that most kids do along with the heartache of their mom not being with us. They don't get goodnight hugs and kisses from their mom. When they are sick, she isn't there to tend to them and to wipe their noses or to be babied as we all want when we feel miserable.

My wife wasn't just an okay mom back when we were all together. She was a really, really good mom. Either she enjoyed our children and doing things with them or she was the finest actress that I have ever seen. While she did need some me time (who doesn't) she usually preferred scheduling time for all of us. The exceptions were where she and I could be a couple, hanging out and talking.

Since the divorce was final, I have made sure that I have informed her of activities for the kids. Previously, I picked and chose which things may be important to her because when I provided a list of everything, she seemed to withdraw.

The reason for my change in updating her has to do with several reasons. One, she should know. Two, the court documents expressly state she has shared legal custody. Third, the kids deserve to have their mom involved. And lastly, I felt that it was a possibility she distanced herself until the divorce was final so as to keep her resolve (only a theory).

This morning, I sent a text to her asking what she was doing for Halloween. I didn't want to make her feel like she had to get together with the kids so I thought I could leave it wide open.

She called me later while I was at work and said she received my text message. She said she was going to dress up and go trick or treating and if I would like to come along. I paused and she laughed so I joined her.

I said that our youngest was wanting to go as well as our oldest (D16 is going with her friends) while our middle child is going to be anti-social and hang out at home and hide from the trick or treaters.

During our lengthy conversation which was very pleasant, she asked me to go with the kids to a local amusement park (I had told her the park closes for the season after this weekend and they have passes), she will be meeting me up at the two boys school for parent teacher conferences next week and she will do Halloween with one or more of the kids.

She did bring up a challenging situation though. We have been talking about how our D16 has been depressed, not spending much time with her mom, her friends, schoolwork is not doing as well as it could, she watches too much TV, etc.

My W asked me how I would feel if our D16 would come to live with her (at least PT). She said that she knows that our D is lonely and needs a woman in her life, particularly her. She added that she doesn't want to divide up the family but the boys are doing well with me and they seem to be fine getting together with her every other weekend. D16 would still come home several nights per week as W works nights but other than that, they could hang out together, go to the gym together, act goofy together, etc.

I said that whatever our D needs is what should be done. I told my W that I would miss having her around, we would be fine. Plus, my Ws apartment is practically next door so it is a short walking distance from the apartment to our house.

My boys may not be too happy about the situation though. Additionally, my W wants to take the 2nd bedroom and tailor it to our D so she feels more at home. I said if we discuss it with the boys individually, they may understand as they already have commented that sis needs a female around since we are both concerned the boys will feel "left out".

I do have mixed emotions about this.

I am concerned that the structure that our D needs may not be there. I also don't like splitting up the family more than it has already.

On the other hand, this may be what my D needs. She misses her mom terribly. I could see her grades improving, her focus on personal health would improve and she would get more involved with activities.

Additionally, this could be great for my W as she is wanting to be involved more in our Ds life and is looking to help solve a problem that has gone on for two years now. Our D was aware of the problem before the boys were so she has been emotionally hurt for a long time.

This could lead to my W wanting to be involved in every aspect of the children's lives which would be fantastic for the kids. Their biggest hurt has been not feeling wanted by her and seeing her spend time with others over time with them.

One other concern that I have is if my W is doing this from a counseling perspective, that is, she is acting more as a therapist that believes she can fix someone as opposed to a mother being concerned about her D.

Then again, even if it is starting out this way, maybe she will move toward simply a caring and consoling parent.

And that would be the answer to one of my biggest prayers!

[Imageer]

I agree that this is a good thing but I might have a different inturpretation of her actions.

I wonder if she is looking to have your D come and live with her to relieve some of her guilt and depression. She might have felt that once she was D'ed she would feel better but she doesn't so now she is looking for the next fix to her problems. Ofcourse this won't help either. Nothing will until she looks at herself. My W has been doing this since day one. "It will all be better when...."

It is also possible that your D will reject her in one of 2 ways. She might refuse to live with her or she might go for a while and them want to come home. You have been the rock for your D since this happened, she might not give that up too easily. Also, as much as siblings fight with each other, it is my experience that they miss each other when separated.

whatever the reasons or the outcome, I still think this is a step in the right direction for you W.

[missmyfriend]

I can see what you are saying I think there is a good chance her motivation is exactly that: dealing with her own depression and guilt.

I do think nothing will salve her conscious until she deals with her issues.

Thanks for your insight, Imageer!

[sgctxok]

Believe in your baby steps and that your prayers are being answered!

Adding my prayers ...

[SirPrizeMe]

I think your daughter should decide. She's 16, she should have enough power at this point to make her own decisions. As long as it's safe, why not let her decide where to go?

Forget about whether it will salve the woulds of your ex for a moment. What would it do for your daughter, for her to have at least a little control in this crazy situation? It might be really healthy for her. The only balance point with be your boys - will they feel even more loss if your daughter follows your wife out the door?

Now getting back to the ex- if she wants a daughter around to help her with depression and guilt - what is so wrong about that? I don't think her interests top the list - I think it's the kids. But if you decide that for the good of the kids your daughter should go, and then your ex gets some benefit out of it, what's wrong with that? That's a mutually supportive relationship. That sounds delicious to me.

[missmyfriend]

SG, thanks. I will take all the prayers I can get. I trust baby steps more than huge changes.

SPM, I appreciate your perspective. The decision will definitely belong to our D. I would never force her to go to her mothers. My first concern is with my Ds well being. The only time I have put my Ws needs (notice I didnt say wants ) first is if the results don't negatively impact my children. Overall, I think it is safe because my D would make a beeline back home if the circumstances go against her beliefs.

Your point about my sons is the same concern I have had. I am really torn about the possible consequences it would have on how they would feel about this. They could, very possibly, feel rejected by their sister and it could move them to a non-trusting state where women are concerned. This will have to be handled very carefully.

To answer your question regarding to the possible benefit to ease my Ws depression/guilt, I would be happy about that. IMO, she would then relate a positive to taking on responsibility and facing, at least some, of the challenges that have been caused by her leaving. Previously, my W has "fled" relationships with the only consequence as missing an old friendship. Since this is a relationship she has fled that is immediate family that loves her, it has much more of an impact on her emotionally.

SPM, there is virtually nothing I wouldn't do for my family as long as it doesn't violate any moral or ethical rules. I can be as selfish as the next person but when it comes to family, my conscience can't live with that.

Again, thank you for helping me consider these possibilities!

mmf

[ACJ]

MMF,
I am where you may soon be in terms of your family split even more than they are already. It is not nice and personally I wouldn't recommend it to anyone.

My H promised me faithfully when S16 went to live with him that he would encourage him to still see me. That has never happened. In fact he now actively encourage S16 NOT to see me. In the last month I have seen my son for a total of about 20mins. I cannot go to see him and he chooses not to see me as his friends/girlfriends have a greater priority in his life. To be fair he is not spending an awful lot of time with H either. I'm sure that suits H as it means he has not had to alter his lifestyle with OW.

I'm not telling you this to 'poison' your mind to the idea just to warn you that sometimes the wolf might be in sheep's clothing.

Take care.

[missmyfriend]

ACJ, first, let me say that I am really sorry this is happening to you and your son. I cannot even come to any understanding that someone would ever want to force their children to take sides. This is the utmost in selfishness. And, this may provide minimal consoling but your son will realize some day what happened and will resent his father for keeping the two of you apart. Expect that you and your son will be very close in the future.

In my situation, what you described could very well happen. The challenge I face is that I may not be able to control my Ds choice. Knowing her, I believe we will remain close. If my D learns of some of my Ws current hidden choices, she will more than likely head home (my house).

I have never heard my W speak ill of me to her family or to others we know, although negative statements could have been made to her friends she has made post-decision. I am aware, from my W, that she didn't like how negative her attorney spoke about how I could be taking advantage of her good nature.

ACJ, I won't say it won't happen because it very well could. I can only pray that everything will work out for the good.

And, please, do not take this response as to avoid giving me your advice in the future. You have given Cinders and others great advice and I don't want to miss out on that.

[missmyfriend]

Spoke to my W again today. We were discussing S12 challenges at school. He is doing well overall but he has challenges with getting his homework done on time and he gets frustrated at times at school. It isnt that the schoolwork is hard but that he sometimes is done for the day when their is still work to be done.

W and I discussed that we have to be very careful that the boys are not put off or feel left out if D stays with W. She thought the boys would prefer it. Something she added is that maybe she should wait until later, possibly the spring before recommending that D stay with her.

Then we talked about politics and other things but it was all pleasant.