Puppy: Well, this is ONE "somebody here" that doesn't agree with this -- at all. There is no compassion here. Would it kill you to say a simple "thank you" to her? That's just a common courtesy, that we extend to each other as fellow human beings, much less to the mother of your children.. But to not say simple "thank-you"s or "goodbye"s or whatever, or to hug a fellow human being who is hurting . . . can you not separate the sin from the sinner?
Puppy, I think I'm the biggest hardhead on this site, I don't want to be her friend, I don't want to be her confidant, she has OM to complain to, she has OM shoulder to cry on. I don't like to see anyone cry but I don't think it's appropriate for me to have any contact with her physically or emotionally
How can you separate the sin from the sinner if the sinner keeps sinning, where do you draw the line.
If you think I should show her some compassion, I can still save the day I need to call her to confirm something for tomorrow, I could ask how she is doing and say I'm sorry that she is having such a hard time - it just doesn't feel right, I'm not her friend
M45 W41 M10.75 years D9, D6, D6, S5 OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08 W files for D 07/18/08 Amount of time WAM spent with kids so far this month = 0.58333 days
The Bible says we are to forgive "seven times seventy" times -- effectively, "infinity" times.
That being said, forgiveness is an intensely personal thing, and between you, your God and your own conscience. I wasn't even telling you to FORGIVE; I was trying to encourage you to just show some basic COMPASSION and COMMON COURTESY.
You have every right to not want to. But you can be "right" and still have it eat at your insides.
Puppy, I know the passage well Matthew 18: 21-22 Then Peter came to him and asked, "Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?" "No, not seven times," Jesus replied, "but seventy times seven"
I called W several minutes ago, told her I was calling to find out how she was doing, she said she was better, that she has so much to keep track of, work her dad, the kids and with everything going on someone last night made her feel bad (hurt her feelings), they said something to her that upset her and since then she has been a mess.
I said ok, I was just checking in on you to see how you were and I'll see you tomorrow morning (she has to take the kids for the day because I have to work at the concession stand at parish soccer fields) She thanked me again for checking in on her and we said goodbye.
I have a problem with forgiveness, I stated it may times before (when will I forgive W = never) I called because I need to be the bigger person, and I'm not so cold I do care that she feels bad. I just don't know how to act around W so I pull back
You kick a dog so many times the dog learns to avoid you
M45 W41 M10.75 years D9, D6, D6, S5 OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08 W files for D 07/18/08 Amount of time WAM spent with kids so far this month = 0.58333 days
Maybe you should think of her as an assistant of sorts. She comes and takes the kids to school and just talks to you because she doesn't know what else to do. You could always tell her that when she tells you about all the going ons in her life it bothers you and would like for her to keep it to just essential info.
But let's also think of her as the assistant that just started crying, perhaps you would hand her a tissue and say I am sorry you are upset today. Maybe even rub her shoulder, if you don't want to attach tooo much. Think of her as someone you know and that you have to "work" with because circumstances call for it, but you don't need to be overly friendly with.
Just a thought.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Yeah, that's the confusing thing figuring out how to deal with a WAS and all that stuff. I like Kat's idea too!!! Have to remember that myself if H gets all teary someday (that's a joke) but I think that's perfect, an assistant you work with, it's a great way to visualize that! Karen
I just don't know how to act around W so I pull back
How does it work when your in love with the assistant and after work the assistant goes home to her boy friend. How does it work when the person you love is not capable of loving you back. I pull completely away from her because being with her hurts so much. I pull away from her becuase I'm afraid of getting to close to her and having my heart broken all over again. I don't want to be her friend, I don't want to have anything to do with her. I want to forget her and just move on with my life.
You kick a dog so many times the dog learns to avoid you.
John Mayer Dreaming With A Broken Heart lyrics
When you're dreaming with a broken heart The waking up is the hardest part
You roll out of bed and down on your knees And for a moment you can hardly breathe Wondering was she really here Is she standing in my room?
No, she's not Cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.
When you're dreaming with a broken heart The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with her crying eyes Then all at once you have to say goodbye Wondering could you stay my love Will you wake up by my side?
No, she can't Cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.
M45 W41 M10.75 years D9, D6, D6, S5 OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08 W files for D 07/18/08 Amount of time WAM spent with kids so far this month = 0.58333 days
[quote=JeffSTL]Thanks everyone for checking in on me
I just don't know how to act around W so I pull back
Quote:
How does it work when your in love with the assistant and after work the assistant goes home to her boy friend. How does it work when the person you love is not capable of loving you back. I pull completely away from her because being with her hurts so much. I pull away from her becuase I'm afraid of getting to close to her and having my heart broken all over again. I don't want to be her friend, I don't want to have anything to do with her. I want to forget her and just move on with my life.
I relate to all that too. I think you have to detach and move on in that kind of sitch. This past week I didn't email or phone H once and said just a few words to him last time I saw him. Probably a dozen or so. Friendly, but detached. Not quite the same as being a friend. I think you have to detach for you. You could try to work on being a little friendly, but I don't think you should try to be her friend. I think she really needs more like the help of a C in my opinion. Does she see one or would she be willing to? Or if she is seeing one maybe she needs to switch to someone else? Maybe that's what you could suggest something like that next time she is clearly in pain? ((((Jeff)))) Karen
I just don't know how to act around W so I pull back
How does it work when your in love with the assistant and after work the assistant goes home to her boy friend. How does it work when the person you love is not capable of loving you back. I pull completely away from her because being with her hurts so much. I pull away from her becuase I'm afraid of getting to close to her and having my heart broken all over again. I don't want to be her friend, I don't want to have anything to do with her. I want to forget her and just move on with my life.
You kick a dog so many times the dog learns to avoid you.
John Mayer Dreaming With A Broken Heart lyrics
When you're dreaming with a broken heart The waking up is the hardest part
You roll out of bed and down on your knees And for a moment you can hardly breathe Wondering was she really here Is she standing in my room?
No, she's not Cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.
When you're dreaming with a broken heart The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with her crying eyes Then all at once you have to say goodbye Wondering could you stay my love Will you wake up by my side?
No, she can't Cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.
M45 W41 M10.75 years D9, D6, D6, S5 OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08 W files for D 07/18/08 Amount of time WAM spent with kids so far this month = 0.58333 days
Jeff, that's all very heartfelt, and I'm not disputing ANY of that obvious pain. You're overreacting to my point. All I suggested was for you to add some common "please" and "thank you" courtesies in your interactions with your wife, especially in front of your children. If you don't feel you can do the hug part, then don't do that, but saying "thank you" and "goodbye" and such shouldn't really be that difficult.
You've done -- and are doing -- MUCH harder things than those, and admirably so.
but I think that's perfect, an assistant you work with, it's a great way to visualize that!