As many of you can relate to, the last 6 months have literally been the hardest of my life, starting with my husband coming home from work one day and announcing he was leaving and transforming into a person who I can't recognize or understand, a person who has brought me more pain than I can, apparently, handle. The last 3 weeks have actually been some of the worst of that time. I've been in a MASSIVE tailspin of just out and out suffering.
I admitted that three weeks ago I kissed a close male friend while extremely drunk. What I didn't admit is that incident touched off another incident that was even worse. This may sound like a soap opera, which is sad, but it's the truth.
I felt like I had betrayed my husband with that incident, but I didn't admit that I also felt like I had betrayed another male friend who I had rekindled a close relationship with over the last 6 months. OM #1 and OM #2 are good friends with me and each other, and both have been attracted to me for as long as I've known them. In a massive lapse in judgment while feeling extreme vulnerability and guilt, I told OM #2 after I kissed OM #1 that I wished that it had been him that I had kissed instead, and that I knew how wrong and stupid it was because, yes...he has a wife and child. I realize what that makes me.
He then revealed to me that he is still in love with me, and doesn't love his wife. Things spun quickly out of control, as I became his confidante about his feelings for me and his unhappiness in his marriage, despite the fact that he loves his son very much.
I wanted to express love to someone, and I do love him. We have a strange relationship, in which it would always have been too costly for us to try our hand at dating (he's also close friends with my ex-boyfriend), so we always wondered, what if? For him, that what if became sort of obsessional, where he can't make a distinction now between love for me and his own dissatisfaction with his life, which he readily acknowledges. He's told me that he loved me twice before (before he was married, but was dating his wife), and both times I demurred because I was with my husband. I became the girl he could never have, which was intoxicating for us both since he is a talented musician and has written several incredible albums with songs about me.
Because of this indirect communication, I think I gravitated towards him because in some way, I trusted that this man loved me, albeit in some f-ed up way, that he wouldn't hurt me/reject me like my husband had so extremely and painfully.
Despite all that, he and I both said that we really couldn't be together now because he has a family. We counseled each other honestly and without as much selfishness as we could--I told him that I thought he could be happy with his wife if he decided to be and worked at it, told him happiness was personal and love was a choice, and he told me that I could be happier with someone else free of all this baggage, or maybe I could still work it out with H, and that's what he wanted for me.
However, we made the mistake of hanging out two weeks ago in person because he really wanted to see me, and he literally grabbed me & kissed me. It was as incredibly erotic as I suppose all affairs are. I stopped us short of sleeping together and we decided that it couldn't go any further. I told him that even if he decides to end it with his wife for his own reasons, it can't be about me and he can't leave his marriage and come to me, cause I wouldn't be there.
Afterwards, he spent a conflicted weekend trying to figure out what to do, consulted his parents about it, and then he then told his wife that he had kissed me and that he's had feelings for me since before they were married. True to the man that he is, he is trying to work it out with his wife for his son's sake and he has stopped communication with me. I haven't communicated with him, either. His wife has called me twice from his phone to try to trick me into calling back, and I didn't. (He sent a simple text letting me know that it was her and thanking me for not calling back, to which I didn't respond.) She also sent me an understandably scathing e-mail, to which I responded with a heartfelt apology e-mail. She thanked me and told me that she forgives me, but I haven't forgiven myself.
Immediately after he told his wife, the reality of what I had done hit home hard. I realized how messed up I was to have acted in a way so far out of my character. I had basically taken the same pain that my husband put on me, and put it on another person, despite the fact that I knew firsthand what the pain was like and wouldn't wish it on anyone. I had become the OW, even worse to a man who had a child, after I had witnessed the pain it had caused children on this site. I confided in my brothers and husband, and a couple girlfriends, but haven't been able to bring myself to tell anyone else, yet, until now.
This spun me into a massive tailspin--a black hole of pain & self-hatred, deep depression, crying, isolating myself from friends and from this board, considering checking myself into the hospital, or dropping out of my life entirely and moving back in with my parents. It took everything I had to go to work or talk to friends and pretend like everything was normal.
My birthday passed during all of this, too. I consider birthdays major milestones, so it's effect on the situation wasn't minor.
My husband completely ignored my birthday (just another painful thing to add to the pile), and as I said in the last thread, we started the divorce process a week ago.
We've had several long, painful conversations in the past week about all this stuff. He knows everything, and he "cares", but he's so enmeshed in his own pain and guilt that we are like the blind leading the blind. I've been suffering so much that I haven't even tried to DB or even put a filter on my thoughts--I've just been angry & hurt by turns with him. Yet he is still the one person I can confide my most painful secrets to, and I am the same person to him.
Basically, it's a complete trainwreck.
I don't expect sympathy or anything. What I did was wrong, and I know it. I hadn't realized how messed up I was until that happened, and now I know for sure that I need help out of this situation. I'm going to look into individual or group counseling. I'm going to stay away from male friends for a little while, lest I end up making out with all of them by turns. Good lord.
I feel a sense of calmness right now. I'm down in my black hole still, but I've stopped panicking and now I'm looking around for ways to crawl out of it again.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
It took a lot of guts to post that. I hope it helped you to be so honest and accountable for your actions. I know you feel horrible, but these situations we find ourselves in can take the kindest, gentlest souls to depths we never imagined.
The counseling and staying out of those situations that can lead to the hurt should help, but meanwhile, hang in there... you'll be okay.
::reaching down with a hand to help you crawl out::
I agree w/ Deauxlie. And confession is good for the soul. I think the fact that you took responsibility and apologized to his W is a wonderful thing. Not many would accept responsibility, and you have. That is commendable. I do think it would be wise to break all contact, period. No texts, no emails. Not only is it painful for her, but you know what? It is painful for you too. And you have enough pain right now, you don't need the addition.
Brush yourself off, Hon. Tomorrow is a new day.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Thanks from the bottom of my heart for what you both wrote. It does feel like hands reaching down to help me up, right when I least expected it.
I feel better having gotten that off my chest, on this forum, where I had felt too ashamed to be at lately. Which has been hard, because this place and the people here have helped me so much over the past months. I still feel like I'm in a quiet time and that I don't really deserve to post & give advice right now, but I am wishing everyone here well and keeping up quietly.
Love, Iamlost
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
Thanks from the bottom of my heart for what you both wrote. It does feel like hands reaching down to help me up, right when I least expected it.
I feel better having gotten that off my chest, on this forum, where I had felt too ashamed to be at lately. Which has been hard, because this place and the people here have helped me so much over the past months. I still feel like I'm in a quiet time and that I don't really deserve to post & give advice right now, but I am wishing everyone here well and keeping up quietly.
Love, Iamlost
Yes, you do deserve to post and give advice. If I can say that to you, I guess I can also say that to me. I finally confessed about my OM to a close friend, and I said I guess you think I'm a terrible person now, and she said, no, you're just a person. As in, everyone makes mistakes, even bad ones. If anything I think she felt like, wow, so you really are human and don't have it all together (I give that impression to many people and so does H...leaving us isolated when things are f###ed up).
I think facing our weakness is the only thing that helps us recover. Beating the crap out of yourself doesn't. I see you gaining some good insight to yourself anyway, about how vulnerable you are, and what you should do to protect yourself (stay away from the guy friends for now).
Don't let "shame" make you even more vulnerable...
We're here to support you not judge you, please don't ever feel you can't advise or post (I missed you!). Our choices and actions make us wiser in the long run and make us able to be more empathic when relating to other people. 'Standing for our marriage' does not mean that we take the moral highground in my opinion, in fact it has has been a fairly humbling experience for me in many repects. It makes us look deep within ourselves.
We all make mistakes, it's how we deal with them that matters and I think that the fact you took responsibility and apologised is a credit to you. We are all in difficult situations at the moment and can't get comfort from our nearest and dearest and we are, after all, only human.
I have never posted to you before, I think. But I had to after reading your post. You are responsible for your actions, the "bad" ones but also for the "good" ones. You decided to end it, you respected your friends' family, you apologised.
My stbxH has/had an OW. Although I dont know her well, let me tell you, I bet she is nothing like you. You are just human.You made a mistake for which as we all know, 2 persons are needed. You dont need this guilt right now. Protect yourself. Sorry you had to lose a friend. I know that hurts. xxx K
You understand that many of us don't post because of the reaction from some people. I have hesitated to come here even when I have really needed my BB friends the most because I was afraid of the nasty response I would get.
You will not get that from me. I am glad you faced up to what you did and apologized. I advise completely cutting off all communication with the OM 1 and 2. You don't need them right now.
I am sending you hugs and caring.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Thank you. What each of you said means so much to me. I missed u too, J! I was doing so much better when I was posting here more often, both receiving & giving support from people who aren't freaked out by the pain, cause we all know it
Wifey, I read your thread and how you feel resonated with me. I feel broken, too. Nothing in my life prepared me to build up walls to protect myself from this kind of loss. And i still havent managed to build any real ones. If you met me in person you would think I had everything together, but inside I am a total wreck. And I still suck at DBing after all these months. I can't seem to let go of the raw, animal pain. It hurts as bad as it ever did. Even though at times i have felt detached from my husband and that I would be ok, the loss & pain were still there. The experiences with OMs were some of the only times I could feel some temporary relief, so I guess that makes me understand my h a little better. Sigh.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
Lost~ Please be nice to yourself...and i think maybe individual counseling would be great..i am in IC and it helps tremendously when my doubts and fears and vicious thoughts try to take over. i am seeing a CBT therapist..helps me stay out of my HEAD...maybe that would help you too?
try to see what you can learn from all this...i am sorry for your pain and your H's pain.
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
