I took the kids to pick pumpkins and apples today. We shopped for mums and decorations for the fall, Halloween, D's costume. We bought salmon and a lobster for dinner. It was a great way to wrap up the long weekend...I am so lucky to have these kids in my life. They are really great people.
Some semblence of order seems to have come to the house, although I still have laundry to do, and the floor needs to be vacuumed. All in all, I am pretty content with myself. What a strange thing....I can't really describe the feeling.
OK, the nerd just came out in me.....ever seen the Matrix? Neo realizes that he is the One when he can look and see the code behind the facade--he not only knows the truth, but can use that for his own purpose, like stopping bullets that are about to rip into him. He looks at his own hand in amazement, while fighting with the other.
THAT's the feeling I have right now.
Ugh, I am SUCH a nerd. Cause more than once, I have seen the resemblence of x to Anikan/Darth Vader....I was hoping to be the one to "see" the good in him, help him remember, but maybe it will take his son. Maybe he will never see it.
OK, I should shut up, or I will never get a date!
Sometimes, songs will randomly pop up into my head. I don't know if I have ever consciously thought about the lyrics, but I am finding that when I do look them up, they seem to say things that are under the surface, somewhere...
This just came "in:"
Metallica - Nothing Else Matters
So close no matter how far Couldn't be much more from the heart Forever trusting who we are And nothing else matters
Never opened myself this way Life is ours, we live it our way All these words I don't just say And nothing else matters
Trust I seek and I find in you Everyday for us something new Open mind for a different view And nothing else matters
Never cared for what they do Never cared for what they know But I know
So close no matter how far Couldn't be much more from the heart Forever trusting who we are And nothing else matters
Never cared for what they do Never cared for what they know But I know
(Bridge)
Never opened myself this way Life is ours, we live it our way All these words I don't just say And nothing else matters
Trust I seek and I find in you Everyday for us something new Open mind for a different view And nothing else matters
Never cared for what they say Never cared for games they play Never cared for what they do Never cared for what they know And I know, yeah, yeah!
(Solo)
So close no matter how far Couldn't be much more from the heart Forever trusting who we are No, nothing else matters
I just want to journal it for now. I should keep track of these things......
LOL..I think you are far from Nerd. A nerd who has Metallica songs popping in their head..is Cool..
That letter is so heartfelt and says so much. You did say that only your C was going to see it, right? You know your H would never read more than one sentence, right? He's not willing to hear you or face what he has become. He is living in the bubble of his own creation. Reality will hit him with a vengeance at some point and he'll have to suffer for what he has done.
You are an amazing spirit sweetie! You have so much to offer the world and so many more beautiful things to create.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I have some song lyrics for you. I know you said you have reconnected with your faith in God. You have probably already heard this song but I have printed the words and hung them on my mirror so I can remember where my hope lies.
"In Better Hands" by Natalie Grant
It's hard to stand on shifting sand It's hard to shine in the shadows of the night You can't be free if you don't reach for help You cant love if you dont love yourself
There is hope when my faith runs out Cause I'm in better hands now
It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down It's like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground So take this heart of mine there's no doubt I'm in better hands now
I am strong all because of you I stand in awe of every mountain that you move Oh I am changed, yesterday is gone I am safe from this moment on
[ Natalie Grant Lyrics are found on http://www.songlyrics.com ] There's no fear when the night comes 'round I'm in better hands now
It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down It's like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground So take this heart of mine there's no doubt I'm in better hands now
It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down It's like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground Its like the world is silent though I know it isnt true Its like the breath of Jesus is right here in this room
So take this heart of mine there's no doubt I'm in better hands now I'm in better hands now
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Mish, Mike....thanks. I think I am just the kind of person who really had to understand as much as I could about the sitch before I could put it behind me and move on. Its sad, but in the end, it doesn't really matter if he ever gets it. I thought we would always work together towards that, but it is more than obvious that he doesn't want to understand, just plow forward. Divergent paths.
Gyp--I want to get together - I was hoping I could kidnap you and bring you into the city! Call me...
Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. Look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. Think only of the best, work only for the best, and expect only the best. Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. Give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. Live in the faith that the whole world is on your side as long as you are true to the best that is in you!
Hey, friends! THANK YOU for reading through that monster!
It did have a lot of things in it, didn't it?
I spoke with the IC today...the letter won't go anywhere else. I had been thinking about it, hoping to leave it with either her or the kids' IC, asking him to read it with them. She reminded me - He. Won't. Hear. It. Someday he may seek out counseling on his own, but I will never be privy to it. Given the past circumstances, she thinks he would just use anything in it against me. "Poor Donna, still not over me, still desperate. I must be SO amazingly special to have her still pining for me."
When he "softened" and ask for the 07 taxes last week, I saw an opening to manipulate him to hear me. Same pattern, different motivation (the kids). Nothing consciously, but probably what it was. And he has shown over and over that he will not hear it, even from his own parents, friends, family...he certainly won't hear ANYthing from me, no matter what the motivation.
We talked about what I can do to help my kids. I can be there for them. I can make sure that I don't put them in the middle. I can let them love him, and just be an ear if they want to talk to me. I can not fix this for them, as much as I have wanted to. He is free to choose to live with as many floozies as he wants, changing them up every week if that's his thing - as long as there is no abuse, I can't do anything to influence the situation over there.
We also talked about what I am going to do about the hatred I hold for that woman. We haven't talked about it much, and she said we can definitely work on that.
Looking back at the marriage, I made concessions that I chose to live with, things that affected me. I am having a much harder time accepting concessions that affect my kids...
It is hard to know that his decisions, which affect the kids, are none of my business. But its the truth.
It is hard to turn off the caring button, but it would only be seen as meddling, controlling. So, at least I was able to take another step - I "felt the (non-existent) opening," reacted with a reach-out attempt, BUT, I was able to keep it to myself and share it only in safe places (here, IC), instead of trying with him or through other people to get to him (well, my IC wouldn't participate, so that helped!). No phone call, no sending the letter, no showing up, trying to get him to talk to me. A small step forward...
Donna, I am where you are. I just found out that STBXH is living w OW part time. I kinda figured that was the case, but he has been too much of a coward to admit it. The odd thing is that when he finally admitted it, I did not feel upset or uneasy. All I thought about was my S. I did not want him to have to live through the drama of his father's world. There are still time when I want to tell STBXH what a piece of sh!t he is, but know HE WILL NOT HEAR IT. I mean, he left me when I was sick and could die and he still feels justified in his actions. This to me me tells me that HE is the one so broken. Like your H, they just dont know how to truly love, Donna. We do. We know how to work and work and work to try and make things right, They only know how to run away. Please, dont ever feel like you are the lesser one. You are not. I have read your threads and feel like I know you. You are beautiful and loving and compasionate. Like me, you sacrifice so much for others. Well, this is YOUR time now. Forget him, he has already forgot you. Know, though, that YOU will end with the real love while he keeps running and throwing people away. As hard as this is, we have been given a gift. We have learned who we truly are and will take that knowledge with us where ever we go. I know my STBXH has not learned this and neither has yours. Feel greatful for what you have, because it is bountiful, and know that his life is empty.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
