That's a tough spot to be in. I know for a while in my marriage, I had a low drive due mostly to babies, breastfeeding, birth control, etc... I didn't know until my drive returned how damaging sexual rejection was to my husband. He would say things like, "If I can't have sex with you tell me who I can have sex with!" I HATED when he'd say that, but realized later that he was feeling hurt and the rejection was hard on him. So, I feel for you. I know it hurts. Now, what your wife is thinking? That I don't know. I DO think you've done a good job by going dark. She's curious and her attitide seems to be softening. Now the bad news, it's going to flip-flop. She'll get scared, and distance herself again and again. This is truly a LONG road. If you're in it for the long haul, prepare your heart and mind. We're here with you and for you.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
That's entirely up to you. There are some here that have been DBing for more than 2-3 yrs. Others do it for awhile, really get the GAL aspect and realize they don't want to work on it anymore. I've been here ALMOST 1 yr. DBing and ending it, being indecisive, etc... It's got to end at some time though. If both parties are never willing...they just are never going to be.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
Just got off the phone with W. I called to say goodnight to D6 and she was crying. I couldn't make out why from D and asked to speak to W.
She explained that it was about some marker that did not color or something vague and said D was tired. I spoke to D again and she was still crying and when asked what was wrong she said 'everything'.
Spoke to W again and asked for clarification and she began to be agitated with me because I said it was disturbing to hear D cry ( and a bit unusual. She rarely crys like this at home with me)
So I had to say goodbye and God I feel so far away and unable to comfort my D or communicate with my W.
Its as if they are on the other side of the world right now !
W was unsympathetic to my concern and kind of raised her voice at me before I said goodbye.
I just needed some reassurance from her.
I am very sick right now and my dog is going into surgery tomorrow (may have lymphatic cancer) and several other things piling up on my plate right now and W is not helping me to feel that she is handling things well with D.
I feel very isolated and unable to do anything. Its as if they were drowning but I am locked tight in a glass box and can't reach out to save them.
Tomorrow I meet with the pastor of the new church I have been attending, so at least I will speak to someone who I hope will be able to give me a little face to face spiritual encouragement in this whole thing.
I feel like I am suffocating....
Last edited by native; 10/07/0801:58 AM.
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
I have been dealing with serious sinus congestion, courting a sinus or lung infection for 3 weeks.
It just makes me so angry to think of the countless times I was there for my W in her many migranes or other health emergencies, and I, who am rarely sick, now must face my sickness alone, without any comfort or caring.
I have been to the doctor and am starting on antibiotics, etc.
I think what's killing me is that I have no one to share my concerns, fears, hopes etc with anymore.
Even if W would listen, it would not feel right, as she is obviously not committed to me or my welfare.
And in light of all I have given her of myself, hoping that one day she might return the favor, I get very angry.
I know I am in a vulnerable place right now, but I really wish I had a woman that I could share my ups and downs with, who cared for me as I cared for her. God I miss that in my life.
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
Right now, even basic communication is hard. W misinterprets my words and inputes motives and meanings that are her own.
This has been the case through most of our marriage. Words do not mean the same thing for her that they do for me. We have addressed this in counselling numerous times. She is not in counselling now, and seems to be dealing with me/life, etc. in her native tounge, which is negative emotions.
She is making a lot of assumptions based upon these misinterpretaions. I think that words don't work for us at this point.
Sometimes the words can be clear, but she reads my 'tone' and it adds a completely differnt meaning than I intended.
I don't know if I can even talk to her sometimes and be understood.
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
W is coming today to talk about $$$. She just signed a lease for a house in our neighborhood, so she could be close to our D.
If she could buy a house, she would, but since she can't, there is less to deal with if we do reconcile.
I have so much anger with her right now. I still feel so betrayed 7 mos after the bomb.
I believe she still has feelings for me, but she is scared. She is scared of being in a R in which she does not feel loved. I really never got on board with the gift thing, which I found out about a year ago is one of her major love languages. I have tried the physical affection, her other love language, but she responded only weakly. She was afraid to give me any encouragement bc it would lead to sex. Which she is afraid of.
She has focused on the negative for so long (clinically depressed) that I feel that nothing I can do will get past her barriers. I know she bears a good portion of the responsiblity for where we are at, but she doesn't know that.
It's weird how I can post on other people's threads and give them good DB advice, but sometimes I cant figure it out for myself.
I admit I need input from you wise Db'rs out there.
I should have some $$$ soon, enough to possibly guy some DB counselling time. I also want to get Mort Fertell's marriage fitness program. Anybody out there ever tried that ?
Last edited by native; 10/08/0803:38 PM.
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
Signed separation papers today and had to put my dog Buck, a compainion of 10 yrs to sleep last night. ( Wasn't recovering from a cancer surgery).
I can't beleive I am still able to function today, but felt strangely calmer than I expected about signing papers.
Talked about 45 min. w/Wife before and after signing about our R. ( If there was ever an appropriate time, it was then, I guess).
Her biggest reason for signing was to be able to free up some money from her paycheck by getting me off of health, dental ins. etc. or so she says. She signed a lease for a house in our neigborhood so she can be close to D (but not too close to me).
She also is dead set on divorce at this moment, but that is 10 1/2 mos. away from being possible.
She cited incidents that occured within the first 2 of our 7 yrs. of marriage as being intolerable, where she remembers me as cruel and mean. She is going to give me a book wherein she discovered I had been verbally abusive to her, at my request.
My feeling is that while there was friction back then, and even since then, I would not identify myself as having been either of those two things.
But W is extraordinarily sensitive, not just to emotional things but changes in weather, diet, noise, stress etc. I used to liken her reactions to life to the story of the princess and the pea. But I would give anything to make her feel like a princess now.
Then she moves on to the killer issue.
Even though all the other things she cites as issues continue to change, and she can acknowledge major changes in me, it always comes down to this: She isn't attracted to me romantically.
CAN ANYBODY HELP ME HERE ?
As of two weeks ago, she decided she did not want to date me, and that reconcilliation is off the table. The only thing I can figure is she said I was smothering her ( I do want things to get to good quickly, and need more patience), and that her meds. were being adjusted.
But how to become attractive in her eyes again ?
Her love languages are gifts and physical affection ( cuddling etc) and she won't touch me except to hug me last night as we made the decision to put the dog to sleep.
I need all you women, and any guys who have heard the same thing and gotten throught this, to help me if you have any insight regarding becoming attractive to your mates again after they have said this.
Last edited by native; 10/09/0806:25 PM.
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
It is a difficult day. The dog was my D's (6yo) 'best friend', and that hurts more than anything as she cried about losing him.
As you read my posts, you will see that I am struggling with major stuff w/my W. Sometimes we can be of help with others, but need someone elses perspective on our own sitch.
I appreciate your concern. We all need to hear a word of kindness sometimes.....
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
