M, Do not be too sure that he has not experienced any consequences. Probalby he has more than you suspect. But that does not matter for YOU.
As far as the ILs, I told them I was not comfortable with them endorsing OW as that made it easy for H to dissolve marriage, and that I did not want to go to dinner with them. I said this kindly and that I was sorry they were in this position, but they could not support me and OW at the same time. Naturally, they chose the one their son told them to choose. This cannot be helped--what if it were your kid? But I do not see them in the same way, esp. my MIL whose baby boy can do no wrong.
With that said, after that conversation, I noticed that they were much more respectful towards me.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
Regarding the vibe about you I sense, here's what comes to mind:
Be strong. Stand tall. Ask youself how you deserve to be treated by your husband, in-laws and friends. It's OK for you to be a little bit outraged at how much sh*t you've taken in order to appease others and save the marriage. When you relate to others, state clearly how you deserve to be treated when you sense they are transgressing your boundries. It's OK to say, "Stop treating me this way." It's a healthy step in strengthening you self-esteem and your personal power.
Are you clear on what is right and wrong? Is you moral compass well calibrated? If so, then speak the truth and stand by it. Don't minimize or make excuses for anyone, including yourself. All our actions, when exposed to the clear light of day, either stand or fall. Don't be afraid of speaking the truth when called to.
You are not called upon to undermine your daughter's relationship with their father, but, at the same time, you are called upon to provide them an anchor, a moral reference point in the world.
If it's "OK" for daddy (who they love) and the OW (who they like and know) to destroy their family, then they are being told that marriage means nothing, vows and promises are empty and we can expect people we love to betray us and wreck our families. The damage they are experiencing now might carry over into their future marriages. If this is not processed well, it is possible that they will seek out men who are prone to cheat on them. Any "niceness" on your part, however well meaning, that is mis-interpreted by them as acceptance, victimization, or complacency will be understood as a tacit approval of your husband's behavior by you.
In addition, their adult community, which includes their grand-parents, and parent's friends, seem to be approving this affair. This creates a sense in your daughters that the world is random and cruel, or rather, meaningless.
There must be some way for you to tell your daughters, "I understand you love your Dad, and he loves you, but you need to know this is NOT how a man should treat his wife and daughters. It's unkind and selfish and plain wrong. I won't stand for it, and you need to learn not to stand for it in your marriages."
Are your daughter's supposed to "like" the woman who is betraying and dishonoring their mother? How are they supposed to act when grandma and grandpa embrace her?
They need to be surrounded by a larger community, who, rather than ignoring or condoning the affair, speaks clearly to them about how painful and unacceptable this is. This community can also show them compassion and help them see that they can love their dad and still understand that what he's done is not right.
There's little chance of you "shaming" your in-laws or husband's friends into providing this healthy community for your daughters.
Perhaps you might want to rebuild you community and surround your daughter with supportive role models. They need "uncles" who can demonstrate a more gallant and honorable manhood to them. They need "aunties" who can stand strong for them and model a strong womanhood. I'm sure you are doing that, but you are the mom in crisis. They need other female role models who honor you and point out how faithful, kind and strong you are for them.
C.S. Lewis once said, "We make men without chests and expect of them virtue and enterprise. We laugh at honor and are shocked to find traitors in our midst."
I think, what I'm saying, is that your kids need a community of men and women with real character and courage.
Any spiritual or church communities you might want to connect to?
