Another one bites the dust

[No Longer BH]

I would like an opinion on a matter from everyone here. I sent an email to my STBXH concerning my son and he will not reply back. I want to know if it came off as threatening or hostile sence that was NOT my intent. If it did, I will apologise to him, if not the I am going to go on with my happy life. Here it is:

Hope the day is finding you well. I just want to firm up the dates for S. First, what time are you going to be here on Sunday? What time are you planning on bringing him back?

Also, I have made arrangments to be out of the house Oct 10-13 so that you can have that weekend with S. This was the weekend we had originally discussed so hope it still works for you.

Are you still planning on walking S to school on his birthday?

Let me know when you get a chance. Also, there is something I need to bring up. It is not coming from a place of judgement or anger, it is just something that I do not feel comfortable with. S mentioned that when you were here on Sunday that you left him while you went to the grocery store. There were no neighbors around and he was completely by himself. He told me that this is not the first time you have done that, it happens alot. I know we have a very smart kid, but he is still very young (8). If an emergency happend he does not have the ability to reason out what he should do. For instance, if you got into a car wreck and never came back, what would he do? He does not know how to call me. He does not know to go and check with a neighbor or even to make himself lunch. I asked him what would he do and he said he would sit and play on the computer until I finally showed up. I asked him what he would do if a stranger came to the door. He said he would look to see who it was then if he did not know them he would walk away. I asked "would you lock the door first?" He did not even think to do that. He is too young for that responsibility. Not to mention that is also against the law. Children are not to be left alone until the age of 11. I am not throwing that out there as a threat, I just wanted you to know that if S mentioned it to a teacher or his counselor there could be problems. They would be required to report it to CPS. I just dont want to see anything happen over a stupid mistake. All I am asking is that you do not leave him alone any longer. Thanks for understanding.

One last thing. I truly hope that you can see that the email I sent to you last night was not one from anger. It is a request so that I can completely heal my heart and move on with my life. I do wish you the best.


Thoughts????

[Gypsy]

Hey Sweetest Heart!

First things first.. congratulations on the positive news on the negative results. You're in my heart and prayers.

Second thing.. Your email expresses how you feel, but you're apologizing to him. As far as I can tell, men numb out if it's not simple declarative sentences.

I still will try and reassure him and I wonder why afterwards? His agenda is all about his new life and companion, it has NOTHING to do with me aside from making sure he has minimal financial stress. My reassurances or apologies keep me susceptible to working like a team in our former union (which he isn't doing) and subservient in a way.

You've got testicles too! Just spell it out simply.

"Don't leave our son alone in the house. It's not safe for him and against state law."

Write to him like Ready says... With no expectations or intention. There's no need to apologize for anger or judgment on your part. There's almost no need to tell him you're moving on. What is the message? You need your own space as you make a life for yourself. What if it upsets him? It's his issue, not yours.

As long as you or I continue to live our lives through our spouses perspective, we're stuck. It's not about them, it's about us. I work on not letting my mind wander to if he's getting remarried right after the divorce, how I'll manage without the security of a relationship.

But guess what?

The more you try, the more you create your own life. You'll find yourself doing things you never would have tried, like me and choir and finding that I have a wonderful singing voice.

Co-dependency builds an isolated world, something I've done. But those baby steps out help so much.

You go, Ms. Heart... you've got the strength, beauty and heart to make it all possible!

*hugs*

[Ready2Change]

Hi BH,

As a MAN, I would like to see each decision topic in its own email thread and to the point.

...I would like an opinion on a matter from everyone here.

I hope EVERYONE RESPONDS (all or nothing statement, just be aware...)

...I sent an email to my STBXH concerning my son and he will not reply back

I always make decisions. I end it with "If I do not hear back from you then XYZ". I will elaborate below.

...I want to know if it came off as threatening or hostile since that was NOT my intent

I read it as threatening. Then again, You are concerned about the safety of your child. If the child is in direct danger, you need to step into his parenting. If there is not a direct threat of danger, let him be the parent. A 8 year old child at home alone is in direct threat of danger. Address this issue.

.... If it did, I will apologize to him

WHY?? His problem. You did not intend to threaten, so don't worry about it. (unless he complains, then you can worry about it then. REPLAY WITH GYPSYS WORDS ABOVE)

...if not the I am going to go on with my happy life..

Go on baby!!! Focus on things that make YOU happy....

...Hope the day is finding you well. I just want to firm up the dates for S.

Perfect!

...First, what time are you going to be here on Sunday? What time are you planning on bringing him back?

I would be more assertive. "You expressed a desire to spend time with S8 on Sunday. I need to know when to expect him gone. 9 to 5 work for me. Does this work for you? If I don't hear back from you by Tuesday, I will assume you DO NOT want to spend time with him and I will play with him.

...Also, I have made arrangements to be out of the house Oct 10-13 so that you can have that weekend with S. This was the weekend we had originally discussed so hope it still works for you.

I also put this into separate email so each decision is in its own email thread. More assertive here also "As we discussed, You will be responsible for S8 on the weekend of Oct 10-13. I will be leaving town at 9:00AM and not returning until 9:00 PM, so I need confirmation that these two exchange times work for you. If I don't get a response, I will make other arrangements for S8."

...Are you still planning on walking S to school on his birthday

"I think it is important for S8 to spend time with you. You stated interest in walking him to school on his birthday. I would also like to walk him to school on his birthday. If this is something you would prefer to do alone, I understand. Let me know if you NO NOT want me to walk to school with S8, otherwise I plan on walking him to school"

...Let me know when you get a chance...

NO MORE OF THESE Statements. ALWAYS MAKE A DECISION and put a deadline.

...Also, there is something I need to bring up. It is not coming from a place of judgement or anger, it is just something that I do not feel comfortable with. S mentioned that when you were here on Sunday that you left him while you went to the grocery store. There were no neighbors around and he was completely by himself. He told me that this is not the first time you have done that, it happens alot. I know we have a very smart kid, but he is still very young (8). If an emergency happend he does not have the ability to reason out what he should do. For instance, if you got into a car wreck and never came back, what would he do? He does not know how to call me. He does not know to go and check with a neighbor or even to make himself lunch. I asked him what would he do and he said he would sit and play on the computer until I finally showed up. I asked him what he would do if a stranger came to the door. He said he would look to see who it was then if he did not know them he would walk away. I asked "would you lock the door first?" He did not even think to do that. He is too young for that responsibility. Not to mention that is also against the law. Children are not to be left alone until the age of 11. I am not throwing that out there as a threat, I just wanted you to know that if S mentioned it to a teacher or his counselor there could be problems. They would be required to report it to CPS. I just dont want to see anything happen over a stupid mistake. All I am asking is that you do not leave him alone any longer.

This was addressed by Gypsy. She gave you very good advise.

...Thanks for understanding.

I end many emails with this. I think there are other similar statements that are also good.

...One last thing. I truly hope that you can see that the email I sent to you last night was not one from anger. It is a request so that I can completely heal my heart and move on with my life. I do wish you the best.

Again, try and keep each topic in its own email thread. Do not convolute the emails.


I hope this helps.

*HUGS*

[imLIN]

I would let my actions speak louder then words...in other words...I would show him that I am detaching...if he asked I would just say, "Since you are gone I am leading my own life. I need to find my OWN happiness, my OWN peace, and my OWN life...much like you are doing...for now my focus is on me and S...where it concerns S I will keep you informed, otherwise we both lead our own life."

As for leaving S alone...there were times that I had to leave S alone when he was 9, I taught him how to make phone calls to neighbors and relatives close by and asked him "what if" questions a lot...

I would have told H that S was concerned about being left alone and maybe until he was older and more sure of himself he shouldn't do that...not to mention the legal issues if S mentioned his concerns to someone else...like a school official...so for now it would be best to take him with you or see if a neighbor or friend could watch him for the little bit your out....

Just my opinion...

OH... and my H liked things bulleted...he hated long emails that were wordy, emotional, or repetitive...so I learned to do very short, bulleted, to the point emails for him...and it was much better received.