I can relate. My W came back a little while ago and really threw my head in a spin. She is seeing a L friday so I imagine she will file soon. I am still fighting for her, but some days I am not even sure she is what I want anymore. I am also sure she will carry this through and we will be D soon.
Sometimes it is hard to pick your self up and let the past go. Just make that choice and do it. Stay busy and enjoy life as much as you can. I chose yesterday to enjoy the day and did, that was after her telling me in the morning that she had an appointment with a lawyer and needed to get this over with.
Jeff, just read what you wrote on my thread. I need to hear that every now and again and here you were at a low point and still found that in yourself to shine a light on someone else. You are remarkable! I am going to meet you someday and just give you the biggest bear hug that I know how. You are very special and it seems that I am not the only one who notices it.
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I'm not surprised the "I love you" speech messed with your head. You still love her. It is her that is confused, and that is a helpless feeling. You are doing the right thing, focusing on the kids, doing your projects, etc. It is what is keeping your mind off of what your W is doing. It is allowing you to still love her, too, had she come out of the fog. I still think she may, and you are smart to behave the way you are. Keep swimming straight like you have been. Her speech was like a little current you got caught in for a bit and will get out of. The only way you stay is if she continues and decides to work at getting you back. She knows you love her.
Just checking up on you. The funeral sounded nice. I am glad to hear that the OM wasn't there. That would have been so inappropriate for everyone. At least she had enough class not to bring him to such a big family oriented gathering. Besides I am sure her mother would not have wanted her daughter's lover at her funeral.
I understand being in a tailspin after hearing her tell you that she loves you. If you remember correctly, my xh told me that all of the time, told me that he didn't want to divoce, and even recently he told me that he will always love me and doesn't know if he will ever get over losing me! If only he understood that he didn't have to lose me. He chose to go down the other path. I was standing there with my arms open to him for so long, wanting to work on the marriage. It makes you just feel all messed up inside when they say those things. But everyone kept reminding me that the words dont' mean a lot. Actions are what really count. Your W doesn't act like a loving person to you. That is what makes me really sad for you. She sees what a wonderful husband, father and man you are and still choses to turn away. I am so sorry.
Hugs
Sara
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
Thanks Kat for the kind words, I feel bad that I don't post to others as much as I should and you are a great person I'm glad you latched onto my post and continue to look in on me, same goes for H4H, whatdidido, Karen, Puppy, Cat, Germ and Starshyne just to name a few.
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whatdidido, It is what is keeping your mind off of what your W is doing. It is allowing you to still love her, Her speech was like a little current you got caught in for a bit and will get out of.
its hard keeping my mind off of her, everytime I come here, I'm thinking of her, I know she wants to move on, she always says, I deserve better than her, I always told her I deserve to be with the one I love.
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Starshyne (Sara) But everyone kept reminding me that the words dont' mean a lot. Actions are what really count.
I needed to hear this, and I need to keep remembering this, her actions say goodbye.
Questions for everyone, she is pushing into my life, called me two times today, I'm taking the kids to our parish picnic Saturday and she said she would meet me up their for a couple of hours, she wants to be friends This is hard for me to consider, What would happen in her mind if I was open to her friendship, right now I don't even acknowledge she is in the same room with me, it would be wierd to be out with her having fun and bam !!! she heads off for OM. Do I gain more from staying dark or opening up and being fun and outgoing with her. Do I become a door mat ?
I posted this once before "the battle may be lost but not the war" - and I don't even know why I'm thinking this way right now, like I said the I Love You speech really messed with my head.
just keep swimming, just keep swimming
W41 M10.75 years D9, D6, D6, S5 OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08 W files for D 07/18/08 Date I'll forgive W for A = never
I don't think that is the best idea. It would just bring more pain into your life at this time. If someday in the future, they could feel remorse, maybe but right now, it isn't happening. They show emotion as if to say "Look I am crying I feel this too". But in reality it is just for show.
Honestly, let it go for now. Maybe when she is the person you fell in love with again, but not right now. I am saving you from you not her by the way.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
If you let her be your "friend" she will justify all that she has done. She will think, "See, he understands. It was for the best.", "See, we all are fine, and better than we would be if I had stayed.", "See, everyone, how I am a good parent, and how Jeff still respects me? It was the right choice."
It's like what I tell h4h, if she is choosing to leave you, you should NOT be all "buddy buddy" with her. It helps her think that what she did was ok. It also gives her everything. She gets your friendship (knowing you love her, too) and she gets this other life as well. Let her feel what she has done. She has broken a family. She has no right to pretend she still has it with two hours here and there and little appearances.
It disgusts me a bit how she is intruding on things YOU have planned. She just pops in, gets her "feel good moments", and then leaves....all the time thinking she is SUCH a good mother.
To her question of friendship, I would respond, "I married you and so I will never be "just friends" with you. YOu chose to break the family and break our marriage. I will be polite and respectful, but don't ask me to be your FRIEND. That's insulting. Every moment I spend with our children is precious. Since you have decided we will not be a family anymore, we will have to respect each other's time separately. I don't want a "part time wife" nor a "wife turned friend"."
I would do this AT LEAST until the divorce is final. Later, you can always be friends sometime in the future.
whatdidido: If you let her be your "friend" she will justify all that she has done. She will think, "See, he understands. It was for the best.", "See, we all are fine, and better than we would be if I had stayed.", "See, everyone, how I am a good parent, and how Jeff still respects me? It was the right choice."
I understand. I will be wearing the shorts she likes me to wear, and a tight shirt, at 45 I'm still trim and fit. I will let her see me but will not engage her, There will be plenty to do to keep myself occupied and distant.
She will only be up there for a couple of hours, and in the evening I'm going to take kids home (have a babysitter) and I'll head back up there to meet some friends. The picnic is a block away so we walk up there.
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Whatdidido: It disgusts me a bit how she is intruding on things YOU have planned. She just pops in, gets her "feel good moments", and then leaves....all the time thinking she is SUCH a good mother.
I hear about everything she does, I did this for the kids, I did that, I paid for this and that, I hear her complain about the kids what they did (dirty shoes in the car was the last one) - I don't say anything, nothing about any problems even if I had a hard day, I don't discuss what we did or didn't do.
Thanks for keeping me on the right path, I did think being her friend would make me feel like a door mat. Have to go now, family movie night, going to fold laundry while I watch movie with the kids.
just keep swimming, just keep swimming
W41 M10.75 years D9, D6, D6, S5 OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08 W files for D 07/18/08 Date I'll forgive W for A = never
Thanks for keeping me on the right path, I did think being her friend would make me feel like a door mat. Have to go now, family movie night, going to fold laundry while I watch movie with the kids.
I agree too. Of course my sitch is different, but I do try to be friendly and polite always. I think that is best for the kids, but to be real actual friends is impossible, and I think it also smart for you to give you time to drop the rope and all that stuff. Karen
