probably not. Have to meet with D judge this afternoon with STBXW and am planning to take some time for a long walk afterwards. I'll be okay, just know my mind will be spinning a bit.
Good luck with today! Make sure you do something for yourself.
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Part of me wants to write a letter, say I loved her and am sorry to lose her friendship. I know exactly what to say that will send her over the edge.
But that's manipulation. And what would I get in return? Another breakdown? Another promise followed by self-centered immature crap? She's selfish and doesn't have any empathy. That's the first thing I thought about her and that's what my friends warned me about before we married. She is an incredible woman - incredible! - but she has no empathy. It's all about her.
I think there will come a time soon when you will want to figure out what you want. Do you want to remain connected or let her go? The letter will maintain a connection and extend the drama. I think it is possible that she will try to maintain a connection with you - maybe even want to have an affair or a fling again someday! Or do you want to be able to exorcise her from your brain/heart and open it up to a new life?
But you know that - your next paragraph touches on the inner conflict between the "connection" and price one pays for that "connection...
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She is an incredible woman - incredible! - but she has no empathy. It's all about her.
The problem is, we really do have an incredible connection. I say that as someone who knows. When we're in the room together, the air crackles - she feels it as strongly as I do. I realize I can't deal with her, but d*mn it's hard not to forgive everything just to feed off that energy! When we let ourselves, we can become hungry for each other's company. She's in denial right now, but her actions speak louder - the sleeve-tugging is trying to maintain the connection. She thinks we'll be friends so she can pursue her own selfish ends but still have my emotional connection. WRONG!
The former BF and The X were both men that generated a similar type of energy. It was weird when The X and I worked on our settlement - we did it by exchanging emails - and that energy manifested itself to where when we were done - it was weird feeling - almost a let down. I was carpet bombed by The X - it was this type of energy that usually led to our reconcilliations... But after what ended up being the last one even though I felt the energy - I knew I didn't want that anymore... We had something - but that something was simply not conducive to an LTR.
And while there was that energy - the paradox was that the drama was necessary to keep that high alive.
I had gone to C shortly after former BF dumped me (the first time) at his mother's and before The X - and I was in transition myself. I generated a similar aura "exciting" aura - perhaps still do when I am completely relaxed...part of why I am afraid of attracting men that are interested in the restless side of my personality... BUT I now value men that are interesting - but reliable and have a calming effect on me. Men that have what it takes to enjoy the fun and are interesting- but also embrace the mundane and predictable. I want someone that I know will be there when I wake up in the morning when I am 125.
Your posts are triggering deep thoughts at my end and helping me define what I want...(and providing me with an excuse to procrastinate) Thanks!
In any case, perhaps you might ask yourself the question - you asked me to ask myself... What do you want in an LTR?
It's official. The judge signed the divorce decree. As of Oct. 22 it will be legal.
I had no clue this was going to happen. I thought we were going to a private meeting but we showed up and it was a courtroom. We were eventually taken back to talk to the judge. She asked a few questions and said she could grant the D right then if we both agreed. I looked at W, who started crying and slowly shook head yes.
We went back out to the courtroom. Did all the swearing in and stuff. Judge asked W if she was the petitioner and whether she thought M was irreconcilably broken. W started crying but said yes. Judge asked whether W thought she was sure there was nothing counseling could do to fix things. W really started crying and couldn't answer for awhile. Finally said yes. Then it was over.
We went outside and she started crying. I hugged her and we stayed like that for awhile. Then she said, "We're probably the only people who leave divorce court and hug." We sat down and talked awhile. I told her neither of us was making the other feel special. I thought that we could reconnect, but that'd intrude on her PhD plans. She flinched a bit at that, but said she didn't feel that way. Said she didn't understand herself, but couldn't deny her feelings. Said she was really happy right now being by herself. I said I didn't understand but I accepted her feelings. She said she knew I needed space so hadn't called, but that I should call her when I'm ready because she'd like to be friends. I said I didn't want to talk to her right now and I probably wouldn't call for a long time, possibly ever. More crying.
We left, stood outside. Looked at each other for awhile and then each said a single goodbye. She started crying again and put her hand on my chest. Then I turned and walked away.
Oh man, I am torn up for you. Lodo, I am so very sorry. So sorry. Not much else I can say but that. One more thing: you are a man's man. A true gentleman. After everything W has put you through, you consoled her today out of love and compassion. You are amazing. I am just sorry W cannot see that.
Or do you want to be able to exorcise her from your brain/heart and open it up to a new life?
