I seemed to have survived another weekend together . I still can't believe that this is finally happening. On Friday my H made crabs on the deck for us and then slept over. He made a big breakfast for me and then kids and then went golfing. Saturday was suppose to be "my" day with the kids but he met us at the pool and we went out to dinner together on our first "date" in one year. We had a perfect evening and he even got me roses from the rose lady. No I love you yet....
When we got back I didn't expect him to stay so I wouldn't overreact if he left. He watched some tv and when I went to kiss him goodnight the kiss kind of led to........ and then he slept over again.
On Sunday we spent the whole day together and then had his family over for a cookout . He did almost all of the clean up just like he used to when I was busy with the kids. When he was deep in his crisis he wouldn't lift a finger just to spite me....
Sunday night he left at 9 and said he had a nice weekend. I am used to being alone also so I am OK. I don't feel grabby. It feels safe soemtimes when he is gone because I know that I have space and we can't "mess" up.
Oh yeah one more thing at one point on Sunday when we were overwhelmed (baby is sick) we started to talk to each other a little snippy. So I asked him to walk the baby with me and I told him how I felt and he told me how he felt and then we dropped it and started back really good again.
I am so happy for you. Things seem to be looking up. The wedding was very strained. H barely spoke to me. When he left reception I just said I didn't even want to talk to him. He then left angry. His problem.
I just had c session and I realize I can not get angry because my family has R with H. I need to live with it.
Can you look at my sitch? I am on Newcomer's : Let Go & Let God My H and I are also S and I have seen babysteps and am so afraid of "screwing up." You are an inspiration and I am so glad that you and your H are reconciling. nik
Got your message. Sometimes things look bad but they aren't. Sometimes when you are standing up for yourself it will piss your H off and later he will respect that. It depends if you were coming from a loving place and just making a boundary or you were coming from your old "stuff". The stuff that drew you apart in the first place. As far as family is concerned you need to seperate them from you. Every person in my family and my H's gave different advce and opinions. When I was crushed but wanted to move on they made me fearfull about being divorced when he started to really try and come back into our lives they now bring up his past behavior and want me to still crucify him. Everyone else has their own problems and they can only advise you as per their own relationships and "stuff". If I had to pick one poster who was right on the money it was Hearts Blessings. I can still remember your story and I remember you had an operation on your right side right? How is Deanna by the way.
I read SOME of your sitch. As long as you feel like you are helping H with kids like you are doing him a favor you will still kind of resent it and feel like a BITCH if he doesn't notice. Only do what you really think you should. It could be everything and it could be nothing But if your H feels like you are just doing it to impress him he will feel like it is temporary and they can sniif out changes that aren't real. If you were overly demanding in the past of him it will take quite awhile for him to believe that you can change.
My H said things like "I don't really see any changes.
Then a month or so later he would say "I see some changes but I can't trust that they will stay like that.
Then 1 month later
"I really see changes in you and you needed to make them .
Then 1 month later
"You have really made changes.
It takes time lots of it and when you get that your not in a rush.
Even now everyone wants to know when he is moving home except me. All I wanted was to move in the direction of getting back together ... I wanted a chance so bad to practice the new me without him being an Jerk. But I practiced the new me for a really really long time and he was a TOTAL jerk meaner than I have ever seen him. Now If he never comes home I would be able to say that I wouldn't be happy with him in the long run and we could be really good friends after we split. Lynn
Thanks for your advice. I feel good when I give H some slack. For instance, he said he would cut the grass this past week and I said "ok, I will cut the backyard." (it's fenced in, so I can do it while watching our kids) He ended up cutting 1/2 of the front yard on Sunday (a week later) and had to stop so he could get ready to fly to Europe for 2 weeks on business. I didn't give him any attitude, I said, "That's fine, I can finish it up." That's just one example.
I am feeling jealous of H and sorry for myself at the moment. Check out my thread if you have any more advice. I hate to throw in the towel when I feel so close, but AAARRRRGGGHHHH! nik
Hi, The past two days have been still moving forward in a positive direction. I still have one "foot" in my old world but everything is the "same" or much better in my new world.
My H came over on Tuesday to be with all of us and he left around 9 after the kids went to bed. I was washing my face and putting on my pj's and I was a little surprised that he didn't want to be intimate but I was tired so I said goodbye and went to read. I heard him drive off and 5 minutes later he was in our room and said he just wanted to have a smoke. (New habit since his crisis) I said oh come lay down with me and then you can guess the rest. I fell asleep on him and when he left he tried to replace himself with a pillow... cute
Yesterday we were due to go to a golf outing for my work. This was a day I was a little nervous about because
1. I have never golfed before 2. I had PMS 3. I was golfing with 2 of his friends one I knew and one I didn't but both know about our sitch
Anyway I had a great, great day I golfed pretty darn good and I didn't henpeck or act like a wife in the golf cart at all. we made love again and he left saying that he had a great day with me.
Friday I am due to see Bruce Springsteen with an old friend (guy) I was unsure about going but I still need to declare my freedon and independence. It is why he was drawn back in the first place For such an independent person when I was with him I tended to not still seek my independence.
When we are together now it is weird because I still hear the negative voices in my head The ones that want to ruin my relationship. The ones that want to make it bad because it is good. The little girl who watched her mom ruin things when they were good with my dad. I still need to unlearn all of the old patterns that I witnessed as a child and eventually took them into my marriage. I need to practice these skills while we still have time apart. Why does everyone ask me when he is coming home? God know I am not fully ready yet. These negative voices are unhealthy to me now though , foreign to my system. Foreign to the person who seeks peace and not pain. Calmness and not tension. Love and not war. Building the other person up not tearing them down.
Please read The Traveler's Gift by Andy Andrews for a homeowrk assignment and write back and tell me how it makes you feel inside Hurry don't delay
and then he slept over again.