What you wrote is so true. Some people just seem to sell their soul to the devil. We can't control them and it is so painful to watch.
Sometimes instead of getting into a long and lengthy explanation about "what daddy does". I just say, "everyone makes their own choices and lately daddy has been making many wrong ones" My kids seem to appreciate the candidness of this response without bashing ex.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Millicent- Wow...obviously, this woman is no friend of yours...she has no class and no integrity...hmmm...sounds like she will get exactly what she deserves if she sticks with your H!
You are so right about the lack of decency and morals. What ever happened to honor and respect?
I like what Trusting told you. Just shake your head and tell your kids that their father is making some bad decisions right now. What choice to you have? Be honest without bashing...even though you might love to if given the chance...just kidding!
I hope it all goes as well as it can...that is if things can go well in these kinds of situation...grrr!
Trusting and Up - thanks so much for checking in. I'm sitting here now while the kids do their homework and then get ready to go. Once again, I find myself hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst.
It has been a rough day for me. A couple of times at work, I had to try and collect myself. While I don't feel as bad as the initial bomb - this is pretty close for me. This woman's husband cheated on her, walked out on her and her children, and married the OW. She stopped talking to people who continued to have a friendship with him because they were disloyal. How can she reconcile what she is doing with my H? She wasn't a casual friend, either. We traveled together and spent a great deal of time together. I am suffering the same disbelief that I did a year ago - just not believing that this is happening.
I also am struggling with my kids involvement. They love this woman - they think she is cool (they don't know about her involvement with H yet). I don't want them to accept her, but I also don't want them to have tension about her. I don't want them to love her - I actually want them to hate her, but if she is going to be a part of their lives, I want it to be a positive relationship because that is in their best interest.
But he just called me now. Told me that he wanted to "clue" the kids into something this weekend. He then told me that he had begun to date or see my friend and he is going to "run" it by them. He also told me that it was uncomfortable for him to discuss.
Why? BECAUSE IT IS WRONG?!?!?!?!
I'm really doing okay....but I still can't believe that I am in the middle of this soap opera. I simply can't comprehend his behavior....her behavior. How can they think that this is right?
Once again, I am trying to concentrate on what the kids' reaction will be, and how to handle them. It's going to be a long couple of days.....
If anyone has an extra prayer out there....we could use one.
(((millicent))) I know what you are going through has to be rough. When my first H cheated on me, it was with a woman I knew...though we weren't really friends...and are far from it now. I can actually relate to your situation more from your kids point of view because when I was a teenager, my mother cheated on my father with his friend and business partner. It was awful. I blamed my mother and the OM. It took some time but now my mother and I now have a wonderful relationship even though she and I barely spoke for 2 years after she and my father divorced (more my mother's choice). My mother has been married to the OM for nearly 30 years but many times she told me that she was sorry for what she did and that she still loves my father. I still don't like my mother's husband all that much but I have tolerated him for my mother's sake.
I don't know how your D's and your H will handle the situation. I doubt it will be easy and it may take some time but if your D's are anything like you, they will be fine. You have shown your D's how to be strong and live up to what ever challenges life has to offer.
When you talked to your H, did you tell him how you felt?...Silly me...I am sure it would be like talking to a wall. I doubt talking to this woman would do much good either but you might want to give it a try. Would that help you process any of this? Could you set any boundaries with her when it comes to your D's?
I wish I had something more to help you, but I think the hurt you are feeling is completely understandable and normal...and there isn't much you can do to fix that except give yourself time to process and heal.
Millicent, I'm sorry I don't really have any advice for you; I don't have kids, so I don't presume to tell other people what might be best for theirs, but this whole sitch really bites!! I'm so sorry to hear about it. I know what my H's OW looks like from seeing pictures of her on the internet, but have never met her (H wouldn't let me...said he was afraid I'd kill her...who, li'l ol' me? Half her size and a hundred times more fit?...well, apparently he knows me pretty well, 'cause the idea was very tempting for a while!!).
I have stopped talking to certain people unless I have to because they have taken my H's side or betrayed me in some way regarding this sitch, but I'm sure it would be so much more horrible if OW was your close friend before she became OW! What a backstabber! Oh dear, is that too mean? I'm afraid I'm not a very forgiving person, and most people only get one chance with me, although it takes a lot for me to feel that they've blown it. My H is on his third (and, I believe, final) chance now. If one of my friends became OW, that would definitely be their only chance with me!
All I can say is, BREATHE, and remember that sooner or later, this too shall pass.
Blessings and peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
Up - Did you ever just feel like a punching bag? It is punch and heal, punch and heal. And no, I never punched back. He told me this news and I said "okay". Really what can I say? And talking to this woman? If she can't figure out that this is wrong, what could I possibly say to her?
Boundaries? I can't imagine the two of them understanding this concept. But I am going to take my daughters lead on this one - see their reaction, what they are comfortable with and go from there. I do know that H and I talked a couple of years ago about the way this friend treated her BF's children. She wasn't very kind to them - said she hated the kids, etc. I remember even H admitting that he was uncomfortable when she talked about the kids in such a negative way. This will not occur with my children - mark my words.
And, Up, you did help. You posted to me. Thank you.
Dawn - it is so funny what you wrote about not talking to people who have taken H's side. This woman stopped speaking to those who sided with her husband because what he did was so bad (having an affair). Yet, she doesn't appear to see the correlation between my situation and hers.
I just don't want to be involved in this. I worked so hard so that our separation/D were not the hot topic of conversation in our community. I didn't talk about H to others, I was cordial to him - I did whatever I could so once the news was out - it would die quickly. And now this. It is starting up again.
I know that I need time to heal from this latest bomb, but I just don't want to go through this again. I felt like I was doing so well but have now gone back to square one.
Did you ever just feel like a punching bag? It is punch and heal, punch and heal. And no, I never punched back. He told me this news and I said "okay".
Trust me, I know what it feels like to be the punching bag...I could seriously have been on the Jerry Springer show with all the drama in my life with my first H and OW. I still sometimes feel like my XH's (and OW's) punching bag...I think it is their guilt. I know how hard this is on you. It there anyway you can get some C? You don't seem to want to express your feelings to your H. I just think it would be good for you to find a healthy way to deal with all of your feelings. Of course, coming to this board to vent is a start. Have you tried writing a letter to your H and your ex-GF?...even if you don't send them?
Quote:
I do know that H and I talked a couple of years ago about the way this friend treated her BF's children. She wasn't very kind to them - said she hated the kids, etc. I remember even H admitting that he was uncomfortable when she talked about the kids in such a negative way. This will not occur with my children - mark my words.
Good luck with this one. I was the step-mother to a teenage girl. I always thought I would love her as one of my own...and I tried but it really doesn't work that way in many cases. My step-D had a lot of anger that ended up directed at me...and I couldn't win no matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried. I became frustrated and closed myself off from her. I wish I would have handled things better but unfortunately I did end up talking negatively about her and ended up putting my H in the middle. We all could have handled the situation better but instead we all avoided dealing with it. Not good.
Anyway, you know this woman's track record and you know how your H avoids dealing with things. Plus, I feel a step-mother/step-daughter relationship is by far the most difficult. IMO, this is a train wreck waiting to happen. Hopefully your ex-friend and your H's relationship will be the only casuality.
Your ex-friend wants a relationship with your H so she is choosing not to see any correlation between what her ex did to her and what your H has done to you...and what she is doing to you! I am sure she justifies it in her mind that your M is over so your H is fair game. The friendship...well, she isn't much of a friend because she put having a relationship with a man who cheated on his wife over a friendship.
Hang in there millicent...it may be a bumpy ride for awhile. Just know that we are here for you if you need us.
It just keeps getting worse and worse. I thought I was done with the drama.
The girls are supposed to go to H's tonight, but he has a "function". So he wanted them to stay with me and he would get them tomorrow and they could stay Sunday night instead. I agreed - I don't challenge him ever on the girls schedule. He will have them three weekends out of four in September due to his travel schedule and me accomodating his schedule. I didn't want to do this, but didn't say anything because of the girls.
After he called last night with his "bomb", I emailed him and asked if I could have the girls on Sunday night. My reason for doing this is because he will be telling them about his new relationship on Sunday and I don't know what their reaction will be. I wanted them to be able to come home and talk, if necessary. He agreed that they could come here Sunday night.
I told the girls this after school today. D14 didn't like it and told me that she wants to spend more time with H. She thinks it would be more fair to split the week instead of doing every other weekend. She says she never sees him.
I told her that I would call H and they could stay Sunday night. I also told her that I would work on a schedule which allows them to see him more.
What I didn't tell her is that he is the one that cancels on his time and that he is the one who came up with this schedule. I didn't tell her that he asked about a mid-week dinner night, but never followed up on it.
She said that she didn't want to make me upset. I told her that she wasn't (great liar, huh) and that she could talk to me about anything. I told both girls that I knew that they sometimes didn't talk to me because they were worried about me and that they shouldn't be afraid to talk to me.
So I will talk to H about them spending more time with him, and looking more at a 50/50 schedule instead of every other weekend.
And why shouldn't they want to spend more time with him. No rules, eat whatever you want when you want, TV and computers all of the time, dad buying you anything you want.
I always thought that, if I had my kids, I could make it through just about anything. And now he is taking them away too.
Despair doesn't even begin to cover how I feel right now.
I'm afraid I'm not a very forgiving person, and most people only get one chance with me, although it takes a lot for me to feel that they've blown it. My H is on his third (and, I believe, final) chance now. If one of my friends became OW, that would definitely be their only chance with me!